The Hated Male Concubine

#164

“Are you awake now?”

Yihan spoke in a composed voice, a stark contrast to the tumultuous emotions he had experienced recently. Meanwhile, Hwawoon, realizing that the person before him was not an illusion, tried to sit up in astonishment, and Yihan gently supported him. Hwawoon’s shoulders flinched under Yihan’s touch. Crouching down, Hwawoon opened his mouth.

“Your Majesty, why… why are you here…”

Hwawoon had mentally prepared himself for the possibility that he would never see the Emperor again by the time he revealed the truth. He was convinced it would be that way.  No one, not only the Emperor, would ever want to see someone who had deceived them like this again. However, what Hwawoon saw before him was no illusion—it was the Emperor himself. Hwawoon looked at Yihan, forgetting that he was supposed to get up and offer a greeting. The face he had longed for as he read and reread the Emperor’s letters each day was now right in front of him, and it brought him to the brink of tears.

Although he had steeled himself for the possibility of being left behind, Hwawoon hadn’t anticipated the sheer difficulty of missing the Emperor. He had believed he could adjust quickly, as he had always missed the Emperor in the past. However, reality proved to be entirely different.

Even a single day was arduous to endure. It was no longer a matter of thinking ‘he won’t come today,’ but ‘he will never come again.’ Each night felt like an eternity. While Hwawoon had always pretended to be fine in front of the children of Seojeong Palace, the truth was that he trembled with overwhelming fear as each day passed. What if this pain doesn’t end until the day I die? What if I have to live the rest of my life enduring this unbearable longing? For the first time, Hwawoon was truly afraid of those things.

“I… I’m not dreaming, am I…”

But there, the Emperor was in front of him. Hwawoon could barely breathe for fear that this was a dream. If it were a dream, he wished never to wake up.

Without responding, Yihan released a deep breath. His mind remained muddled with the unbelievable turn of events, but with Yeon Hwawoon right in front of him, everything seemed to fall into place, and he almost wanted to laugh at himself. It hadn’t been long since he’d locked Hwawoon in this palace, and he couldn’t believe himself for thinking that he hadn’t looked for him for a long time.

After a lengthy pause, Yihan began to speak.

“I… To be honest, I still don’t know.”

“…”

“I don’t know if you’ve really gone mad, or if you’re really not Yeon Hwawoon, but Hawoon…”

When that name came out of the Emperor’s mouth, Hwawoon unconsciously held his breath and clenched his fists. When the Emperor had referred to him as “Woon-ah,” it had provided comfort, as he believed the Emperor was calling his name, but this was the first time the Emperor had actually said the name. Hwawoon’s heart raced so fiercely that his own pulse seemed deafening. While Hwawoon struggled to keep from gasping for air, Yihan continued.

“…  If you are indeed a guard named Hawoon. Honestly, I still don’t know what to believe.”

It was only natural. Even Hwawoon would have a hard time accepting it if it weren’t for his personal experience. In truth, if “Yeon Hwawoon” hadn’t been a member of the Yeon family, he might have been banished from the palace as being insane long ago. Hwawoon listened to Yihan in silence, unsure whether to be happy that the Emperor had come to visit again or to view it as a final act of compassion.

“But the more I think about it, the more I realize that isn’t the most important thing to me.”

“…”

“There was something else that tormented my nights more than whether what you said is true.”

Yihan recollected the nights he didn’t want to go back to. The questions that had tormented him the most during those terrible hours filled his mind even at this moment. Yihan locked eyes with Hwawoon, gazing deeply into his pallid face. He wished for Hwawoon to comprehend the sincerity and desperation that consumed him, so he firmly grasped Hwawoon’s hands, which were clutching the blanket. Startled, Hwawoon attempted to pull away, but Yihan refused to release him. Yihan was determined to shake Hwawoon with everything he had.

“I’m going to ask you one last time.”

Yihan’s voice quivered with vulnerability. In his mind, there was no doubt about whom he genuinely loved. Yihan was unequivocally certain about the moment he had fallen in love with the person before him. He couldn’t pinpoint the day or the hour, but it was unmistakably after he’d drowned and become someone else. If Yeon Hwawoon was crazy, then Yihan was in love with a crazy man, and if he was “Hawoon,” then he was definitely in love with “Hawoon.” Yihan put aside what he did not doubt and asked the one thing he was not sure of.

“Woon-ah.”

It was the same endearing name as before, yet its significance felt distinct.

“Were you… Were you truly not sincere to me?”

“…”

“Was it only me who was in love?”

Yihan pondered whether Hwawoon’s earnest requests for him to acknowledge the person within him and the pleas made while unconscious to not forsake him in his dreams were mere pretenses devoid of meaning.

Yihan squeezed the small hands and closed the distance between them. Strangely, he wished Hwawoon would pity him. He didn’t mind appearing so miserable and pathetic. Nothing could be more miserable than losing Hwawoon. The emperor was a celestial being who looked down upon all things with the majesty of the sun, but here, Sung Yihan was a mere man who was terrified of losing a single person.

Yihan was resolute that this man, the first person he had ever loved, would remain his sole lover until his final days. If he were to lose Yeon Hwawoon in any manner, he believed that the remainder of his life would mirror his mother’s sorrow. He would not give up his position as the emperor, but his life as a human being was over. Sung Yihan would live forever clinging to the happy days with Yeon Hwawoon, reliving them over and over again.

Hence, Yihan clung to Hwawoon, wearing every sorrowful and pitiable expression at his disposal.

“If you truly acknowledge me as your emperor.”

“Your Majesty…”

“If you know the sincerity of my feelings for you.”

Hwawoon yearned to plead, hoping the Emperor would cease this emotional assault. Nevertheless, Yihan persisted, closing the distance between them.

“… Tell me how you really feel just once.”

***

Sometimes, in the face of a million reasons against it, a single reason compels you to take action. For Hwawoon, or rather, for Hawoon, that was when he was entering the palace. A commoner who had never taken a risk in his life, a man who had never been greedy, a man who had never dreamed of a future, threw himself into an uncertain future for the sole reason that he wanted to be closer to one person. Hawoon thought it was probably the only choice he would ever make in his life.

And now, the man who had become Yeon Hwawoon thought. 

He was a lowly person, a sinner, and a traitor who had shamelessly deceived that one person.

The Emperor was a very benevolent person, a tender-hearted and kind person.

And, he had the inkling that the Emperor would be willing to forgive him if he provided the response he desired.

Hence, Hwawoon shouldn’t pour out his heart sincerely in this place. He shouldn’t be the worst person to the end. Hwawoon understood that, if he retained any integrity, he should give the Emperor his precious heart back.

“Don’t think about anything else.”

But Yihan, the man in front of him, continued to tell him.

“Put aside all considerations, whether it be the concealed identity or any of your actions.” 

He told him that those things didn’t matter at all, that he wasn’t asking the courteous answer. 

“… Woon-ah, do you love me?”

Yihan simply asked about Hwawoon’s heart.

“…”

I don’t love you, Your Majesty. I only serve you out of necessity to survive, so please punish this sinner.

Hwawoon took a measured breath. It would have been so simple to close his eyes and utter those words. He could maintain the sincerity of his emotions as a secret, known only to him. Even if someone suspected it, he could evade scrutiny by denying it. Hwawoon had already confessed everything to the Emperor and to the deceased Yeon Hwawoon. Thus, he was restricted to the words he could speak to remain a transgressor awaiting his punishment.

“Your Majesty, I’m…”

Hwawoon carefully withdrew his hands from Yihan’s grasp. Yihan’s expression instantly crumbled, but Hwawoon only lowered his head to avoid his gaze.

“I’m… Your Majesty, I’m…”

The more he called out to the Emperor, the more he couldn’t think of anything else. The day when he first saw the Emperor, when the Emperor was as bright as the sun, and the day when he saw him again in a new body, flashed before his eyes.

Hwawoon clutched at the hem of his clothes and bit his lip strongly. The soul, which had never before held another’s complete heart in its past life, found its voice.

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty.”

“…”

“This lowly man dared…”

In front of a road full of countless reasons he shouldn’t go.

“I dared… I dared to love you…”

With only one heart in his hands, the soul took a step forward.

“Please punish this sinner who doesn’t know his place…”

From beginning to end, Sung Yihan was his one desire and all he wanted.