The Hated Male Concubine

#158

“Your Highness, I’ll probably never know what happened to you that day. But now, I don’t care about it anymore. I’m no longer trying to figure out how you changed like this.”

“…”

“It doesn’t matter now. I no longer care if you really just lost your memory or not, or if something I didn’t know had happened to you. One thing that doesn’t change is that you’re the one who saved my life.”

Like she had said, Ahjin had stopped thinking about Hwawoon’s identity at some point. It didn’t matter to her anymore. If finding out the truth wouldn’t change anything, why bother digging into something that her master was reluctant to reveal.

“You of now have saved me, whose days were like hell, Your Highness. You made me laugh again, you made me know what happiness is. Now I wake up smiling in the morning and fall asleep without tears at night because of you. My savior is the current you, so Your Highness…”

Even in the darkness, Hwawoon could see Ahjin smiling. Hwawoon felt a small but strong warmth burning in the corner of his heart that had been cold all along. Ahjin continued.

“Don’t feel sorry to me, don’t worry about anything, and don’t even think about sending me away. I will always be… by your side to serve you, Your Highness.”

“Ahjin… I-I….”

“I’ve taken up too much of your time. Please go to sleep.”

Before Hwawoon could say anything else, Ahjin finished what she had to say and stormed out of the room. Left alone, Hwawoon released the breath he’d been holding and covered his face with the blanket. Hwawoon had always faced the hard days by defending himself that he at least must have given Ahjin something good.

But at the same time, he had been weighed down with guilt because he wasn’t sure if Ahjin would consider it a good thing when she found out everything. But now, Ahjin was telling Hwawoon when he was in the deepest despair more than any other time. That his lies, his deceit, were nevertheless good for her.

The blanket that covered his face was hot and wet. Hwawoon could not stop his cry until the night was over.

***

“Your Majesty, I’m afraid you will fall sick at this rate.”

Eunuch Oh talked in a desperate voice as he saw that Yihan had only gulped down the liquor without taking the food. Yihan rarely drank too much, since drinking too much would only fog his mind and wouldn’t help him at all when he worked on national affairs the next day. That emperor had skipped dinner tonight and was drinking only alcohol, so Eunuch Oh was very worried that he might be getting sick. Nevertheless, Yihan continued to drink, barely paying heed to Eunuch Oh’s words.

“Jinsung.”

“Yes, Your Majesty….”

“I have always pitied my mother’s suffering, but I have never been able to sympathize with it to the end.”

“…”

“No matter how much she loved father, how could she be in so much pain when she had the empress position, how could she still be stuck in the past, unable to break free of that pain… I could never understand that.”

If his father’s love was an emotion that wrecked the nation, his mother’s love was an emotion that wrecked him. Yihan couldn’t imagine how great the pain was because the person she loved didn’t feel the same way about her.

“But Jinsung… This….”

“Your Majesty…”

“This really hurts so much… I never thought it would hurt this much…”

Letting go of the cup, Yihan’s hand clutched at his chest. If he could, he wanted to cut open his flesh, pull out his heart, and throw it away. If he had to live with this kind of misery, hopelessness, and indescribable pain forever, he didn’t think he would have a way for it.

“Was all of it really a lie…”

The moment the word “lie” escaped his lips, the pain intensified in slicing his heart. No, now it wasn’t just his heart, it felt like a sharp knife was slicing through him from head to toe.

“Those hearts… all those hearts that Yeon Hwawoon had shown me…!”

If Yeon Hwawoon really wasn’t Yeon Hwawoon, but rather, as he had claimed, “Hawoon,” that alone would pose a problem. However, that wasn’t what concerned Yihan at the moment. As hard as it was for him to believe, there was something more important to him than the fact that he had hidden his identity.

Even though he knew that the fact someone else’s soul was in the body of the son of the Emperor’s most powerful weapon, his right-hand man and his loyal servant, was of greater significance to the nation, none of that mattered to Yihan now. There was only one thing Yihan wanted to know.

About how sincere that individual was, the person he couldn’t determine to be Hwawoon or Hawoon. That very person who was the owner of his love and his only lover. Whether or not he was faking his treatment to him just to survive in this Imperial Palace. Only that mattered to Yihan now.

“Your Majesty…”

Eunuch Oh, who had been silently listening to the emperor’s sorrowful utterance, spoke up with a voice full of regret.

“Although not to the extent you’ve witnessed, I, too, have encountered His Highness Yeonbin… With all due respect, I don’t think he ever seemed to treat you falsely… Could you please share with this humble servant what has distressed you so much…”

Eunuch Oh had no knowledge of what had transpired or what had been said in that room. As far as he was aware, his lord was not one to hastily punish someone for offending him. There must be a reason behind his lord’s sudden punishment of someone he held dear. However, no matter how much he contemplated it, it only left him perplexed, as Yeonbin did not seem like the kind of person to engage in such actions.

The Emperor simply shook his head in response to Eunuch Oh’s request and took another sip of his drink. Despite Eunuch Oh being his closest confidant, the one who often witnessed and heard everything alongside him, given the graveness of the matter, Yihan couldn’t bring himself to speak until he had determined how to handle it.

“How can one possibly know everything about a person simply by looking at them…”

Instead, Yihan bitterly countered Eunuch Oh’s words. The Emperor was the one who knew better than anyone that Yeon Hwawoon wasn’t the kind of person to do that. He had experienced and seen him the most. Sung Yihan was the one who wanted to believe him more than anyone else at this moment.

But just in case it was a lie. If Hwawoon had an ulterior motive, if he had made it all up in front of him to win the Emperor’s heart. Then it was not just the Emperor who was in danger. Yihan wasn’t merely a man in love with someone, he was the emperor of a nation. Every step he took could shape the destiny of the nation, and every person he trusted could influence its future. Such was the gravity and complexity of matters concerning the Emperor’s love.

“In his wildest dreams, would my father have ever imagined that his beloved concubine would become a woman who would plot the murder of the crown prince and seize the throne?…”

When the name of the sinner was suddenly uttered, Eunuch Oh couldn’t take it anymore and bent his back. Meanwhile, Yihan closed his eyes, gripping the cup in his hand so hard he might break it.

The Emperor’s tears flowed silently down his cheeks, tears that no one would recognize when the sun rose. What was truly unbearable, even at this moment. What made Yihan suffer more than anything else. It was his enduring love, it was his desperate longing for him even at this moment.

It was his desire to ignore all his suspicions, even though he knew he shouldn’t, if only Hwawoon had told him right then and there that his love for him was sincere. This was Yihan’s greatest agony.

***

Eunuch Oh, who had entered the great hall to announce that the Empress had requested a meeting, came out again. The Empress smiled gently at him, already aware of the answer based on his somber countenance. As he drew near, Eunuch Oh bowed respectfully and conveyed the response to her request.

“My apologies, Your Majesty. His Majesty is currently attending to urgent matters, and he said he would visit the Empress Palace at a later time.”

In the Empress’s eyes, Eunuch Oh’s evident unease in facing her and the Emperor’s message implied that she should not find him until he visited her. It was rare for the Emperor to see the Empress away without seeing her face like this, so Seon, who was standing next to her, looked at Eunuch Oh with wide-open eyes. Nonetheless, the Empress nodded and maintained her composure as she inquired further.

“How is His Majesty doing?”

Evidently vexed, Eunuch Oh released a sigh-like breath and responded with a downcast expression.

“Yesterday, he skipped meals and drank excessively… He seemed to be deeply heartbroken.”

“Do you have any knowledge of what transpired between him and Yeonbin?”

“No, Empress. His Majesty has not shared anything with me, choosing instead to keep his thoughts to himself. I fear that his health may suffer if this continues.”