The Hated Male Concubine

#157

Hwawoon had fainted, but the emperor’s orders prevented Seojeong Palace from calling in for a doctor. Since it didn’t appear to be an emergency, they left him to rest in bed. However, Ahjin, worried that her master might fall ill later, crept quietly into the dark bedroom and was startled to find Hwawoon sitting up in his bed.

Ahjin quickly lit a few more candles and approached the bed, only to find her master in a dazed stupor, which broke her heart. In all her years, she had never seen her master look so despondent.

“Your Highness…”

His appearance looked as if the wind would blow him away, thus Ahjin called out to him very carefully. She felt like she was about to burst into tears, but she shouldn’t be the first to break down in front of her master in this situation. Hwawoon’s gaze, which had been vacant, slowly turned to Ahjin upon hearing her voice. When their gazes met, Ahjin felt her heart sink, and she had to bite her lip. To see her master’s eyes, which had always been so gentle and warm, now filled with such profound sadness, was almost unbearable.

“Ahjin.”

Still, Hwawoon didn’t cry and opened his mouth. The voice that flowed out calmly only showed more of his sadness.

“Your Highness… Do you feel any discomfort…?”

“Ahjin. Now that I think about it, I handled this so wrong. I should have been more prepared…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ahjin, I should have done it after sending you to… a better place…”

“Your Highness…? What do you mean by that? Where… where are you sending me? What have I done wrong?”

Ahjin turned blue at the words that came out unexpectedly. She wondered what she had done wrong, had she unintentionally made a grave mistake that made her master want to send her away? Hwawoon had certainly mentioned the idea of sending her to a better place, but Ahjin had not heard that part, only the notion of being sent elsewhere. Hwawoon shook his head.

“It’s not like that… Ahjin, I just feel so sorry to you…”

Despite his efforts to maintain a calm demeanor as he had made up his mind to confess the truth to the Emperor, Hwawoon’s mind was in turmoil. He was consumed by fear and had been unable to plan more meticulously. It was evident that Ahjin would face greater hardships if she continued to serve him. He should have arranged for Ahjin to be placed in another palace earlier, given the suffering she had already endured. If only he had requested Ahjin’s reassignment when he had visited Her Highness Sukbi earlier or discussed it with Jeongbin. It was too late for regrets now.

“From the beginning until now… I’ve always felt sorry to you, Ahjin. And now, because of me, you’re going to have to suffer in a palace His Majesty won’t visit…”

“Your Highness, how can you say such things? Everything will be okay. Even though this person doesn’t know what’s going on, your misunderstanding with His Majesty will eventually be resolved, so don’t worry. Okay?”

“…”

“And even if it doesn’t, where would I go? Do you see me as the kind of person who would abandon her master in trouble and live comfortably on her own?”

Finally, the tears Ahjin had been trying so hard to hold back formed in the corners of her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She couldn’t hold back her tears any longer because of Hwawoon’s concern for her position even in this kind of situation. He should be the one most frustrated and saddened, yet he was still concerned about his humble servant.

Hwawoon gently wiped the tears from Ahjin’s cheeks with his hand. Ahjin spoke with desperation in her voice.

“Your Highness, can’t you tell me what’s going on? Even though I’m just a powerless servant, I’ve always listened to your pain. Can’t you please at least confide in me?”

At that moment, Hwawoon felt a slight urge to tell Ahjin everything. It wasn’t that he wanted to be comforted. Rather, it was the opposite. Hwawoon thought that Ahjin deserved to know the truth about the shamelessness of her master who had deceived her for so long.

Hwawoon bit his lip and heaved out a deep sigh. He felt frustrated and sorry for Ahjin because, regardless, he couldn’t tell her everything.

If this were solely about him, he would have disclosed everything. If it were a situation where he would be blamed alone, he would have shared the truth with Ahjin. However, this matter involved the Emperor’s reputation and Yeon Hwawoon’s family. Additionally, he couldn’t risk putting Ahjin in further danger by confiding in her when he didn’t yet know the extent of his punishment.

Hwawoon, as he always did, calmed his selfish desire to hear Ahjin’s warm comfort and slowly opened his mouth.

“Truthfully, I’d love to tell you everything. I want to do that, but… I can’t right now. I hope you can understand me. Still, one thing I want to tell you is that…”

“…”

“I’m not as good a person as you think I am, Ahjin. I’m… I’m not a truthful person, and if you find out all the truth later, you’ll be very disappointed in me…”

If Ahjin realized that the man she had served respectfully was actually a lowly, insignificant commoner, and that she had been revering him with Your Highness, without doubt, she would feel betrayed and angry and never want to see him again. Trying to ignore the sadness in Ahjin’s eyes, Hwawoon vowed that if he ever had the chance to speak to the Emperor, he would beg for Ahjin to be sent somewhere else.

“So, Ahjin… you don’t have to be so sad because of me.”

He believed that when she eventually learned the complete truth, the sadness she felt now would pale in comparison.

As he continued his thought, the pain in Hwawoon’s heart grew heavier, but it was something he had to bear for deceiving everyone.

Ahjin carefully studied Hwawoon’s face, which still appeared as if he might collapse at any moment, before wiping her eyes discreetly with the back of her hand.

“… Your Highness, it’s late, so please get some rest for now. Sleep soundly, and when you wake up, I’ll prepare your meal… I’ll also brew your medicine since there’s still some left in Seojeong Palace.”

“Yes. I’ll do so. Thank you, Ahjin.”

Hwawoon smiled, feeling deeply grateful to Ahjin for willing to accept his words and pretending to be okay, even though she must have been frustrated because he didn’t explain anything. With the same gentle touch as before, Ahjin eased Hwawoon back into a reclining position, tucked the blanket around him, and then extinguished all but one of the room’s candles before slowly departing.

Hwawoon watched Ahjin’s back as she walked out of the bedroom, and just as she reached the door, she stopped in her tracks. There was a determined expression on Ahjin’s face when she turned back to face Hwawoon. Ahjin then spoke.

“Your Highness. Let me share something with you. Ever since you lost your memory, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened that day. I wondered what happened to you. Did you really lose your memory, or were you just making it up?”

It was inevitable. For Ahjin, figuring out His Highness Yeonbin was a matter of life and death. She had to establish her stance. If her master had truly changed, that would be great, but if he hadn’t, her attitude now could be a way to strangle her in the future. There were nights when Ahjin made so many assumptions in the darkness on the days Hwawoon said unbelievable things and did unimaginable things.

“You can’t possibly know how frightened I was initially. I was so scared that maybe all of this was just you testing me. It made me wonder if I should stay to treat you kindly, or should I show any sign of longing for your old self… Everything was so difficult.”

“Ahjin…”

“And then, one day, a thought crossed my mind. As someone who’s been serving you since you were a child, when I watched you do things that I knew you wouldn’t do… when I watched your change that was hard to believe as simply the result of your memory loss… I…”

The tension that suddenly filled the space made Hwawoon clutch the blanket tightly with both hands. In the room, which was dimly lit only by a single candle, Ahjin was letting out a sincerity she had never expressed before.

“I questioned whether you were truly a different person… whether you hadn’t just changed, but rather, you had become someone I didn’t know for some reason…”

Of course, Ahjin didn’t know if such a phenomenon was genuinely possible. It was rather natural to think of such a thing as impossible. Her assumption suggested a change in one’s very soul, but how could that happen? Regardless, Ahjin thought. If miracles did exist in the world, if souls bore karmic imprints, if demons and harbingers of death existed, then perhaps, once in a thousand years, such a transformation might occur.

Hwawoon was shivering now. He had pulled his blanket up to his nose to hide his body. He had never expected that Ahjin would have such thoughts. He only thought she was just believing him due to her inherent innocence and kindness. Ahjin continued, her voice subdued a little, like the darkness itself.