The Hated Male Concubine

#148

There was some concern in the Imperial Palace that this great affection the emperor was showing for the first time would cause another turmoil in the internal court, but the rumor quickly died down as the Empress and the other concubines sent gifts and wished for a speedy recovery to Seojeong Palace every day. There was even a very strange rumor that Jeongbin was being restless every day because she couldn’t visit Seojeong Palace, and that she was constantly asking about when the Emperor would return to Jungcheon Hall.

After the luncheon, Yihan walked through the courtyard of Seojeong Palace for a while. The next thing he did was sit down familiarly on Hwawoon’s bed and looked at Hwawoon, who still appeared pale. His expression was so sad and pitiful that it was hard to think of him as the reigning emperor of a nation. Since yesterday, Hwawoon had shown marked improvement, occasionally waking up to speak, eat, wash, and move around a bit. However, the sight of him lying in bed for most of the day still broke Yihan’s heart.

In those moments, Yihan felt the anger he had been holding back well up inside. He had let the case go momentarily because Hwawoon said that he fell into the pond by his own mistake, but Yihan couldn’t believe it. He had a hunch that someone must have made a big mistake or acted with great malice. Given Yeon Hwawoon’s tendency to treat everyone who worked for him as his people, it wasn’t surprising that he would cover for the culprit.

“Your Majesty…?”

Perhaps due to Yihan’s desperate, loving touch, Hwawoon, who appeared as if he would never wake up, opened his eyes at that moment. Yihan bent down to meet his gaze and replied.

“Yes. It’s me. I’m here.”

For the past few days, Yihan had always been by Hwawoon’s side every time he woke up, just like now. He would lock eyes with him, stroke his cheek, and consistently respond to Hwawoon’s voice. Yihan was assuring Hwawoon that he was there to protect him and that he would never leave him alone in pain again.

“Your Majesty… I’ve done wrong…”

However, as though Yihan’s desperate heart hadn’t been  conveyed, Hwawoon, who had barely regained his senses, burst into tears and said that before Yihan could bask in his joy, causing Yihan’s heart to sink.

What is it that made him feel so guilty like this? His guilt was too excessive to attribute solely to his past misdeeds. He’d already done everything he could to make amends. Yihan also had told Hwawoon many times that he wouldn’t blame him for what happened, that he didn’t see him as the same person he was then. Despite this, Hwawoon was still tormented by his own guilt even in moments of daze, leaving Yihan confused. Yihan whispered soothingly to him.

“What on earth are you so sorry for… You gave me the world. You allowed me to find ‘me’ for the first time, and you made me feel happiness I’ve never known before. So why did you say that? Tell me.”

Yihan withdrew his hand that had been wiping away Hwawoon’s tears, and this time he slowly lowered his lips to the corner of Hwawoon’s eyes. Like warmth on cold skin, Yihan’s hot lips lingered on the damp corner of Hwawoon’s eyes before gently brushing across his cheek.

“I shouldn’t have been so greedy…”

“You’re my concubine, my only… my only one. So it’s okay to be a little more greedy. I, the Emperor, am telling you that it’s okay…”

“I don’t know my place, and to you, Your Majesty… This lowly person has dared to…”

“…”

“This lowly person shouldn’t have dared to deceive and mock you, Your Majesty…”

“… What are you…?”

Yihan abruptly ceased all movement. The unexpected words—deceive and mock–lodged in his shattered heart like a sharp knife.

“Your Majesty, please don’t forgive this person.”

With those words, Hwawoon lost consciousness again. But Yihan remained still. He wondered what Hwawoon meant by deceive and mock. Why did Yeon Hwawoon use these words? One might dismiss them as the ramblings of a sick man in his dazed state, but to Yihan, the weight of these words was not so light.

As Yihan gazed into Yeon Hwawoon’s tear-stained cheeks, everything he had gone through with him began to intertwine like threads. Hwawoon’s fall into the pond, his awakening with no memory, and all the miraculous events that had unfolded since then. The anguish and pain of countless nights when Yihan couldn’t believe and doubted him, all while his heart continued to turn more and more towards him. The guilt, along with all those overwhelming feelings like a relentless tidal wave he couldn’t resist.

“Yeon Hwawoon…”

Yihan’s voice trembled as he called out Hwawoon’s name. At which point during all those days could Yeon Hwawoon have deceived him?

There was no reason for him to utter such a thing unless all the transformations he believed in were mere falsehoods.

Yihan abruptly halted his wandering thoughts and stood up. For now, Hwawoon’s recovery was of paramount importance, and whatever else was going on, they could talk about it later.

Yihan’s mind raced with fear and anxiety, yet he still believed in the Yeon Hwawoon he had witnessed—his gaze, every uttered word, and every action. He clung to that singular belief throughout the night, repeatedly restraining himself.

***

“Good morning, Your Majesty.”

Yihan, who had only managed to sleep at dawn, pushed his heavy eyelids open and sprang to sit at the sudden voice. Turning his head, he saw Hwawoon, who appeared to have been awake for a while, already dressed neatly, sitting by his bedside and looking at him.

“How come you’re awake already? Are you feeling okay now?”

That was the first thing Yihan asked before anything else. No, it was more like he couldn’t think of anything else at all. He had stayed up late due to his racing thoughts, but the most important thing to him right now was Hwawoon’s physical condition. Hwawoon gently bowed his head and answered.

“Yes, Your Majesty, thanks to your care… I am completely well now.”

“Still, it would be best if you don’t overexert yourself… You should remain lying down for a while longer.”

“Your Majesty.”

Yihan was about to guide Hwawoon back onto the bed, concerned that Hwawoon might worsen his condition by overexerting himself, even if he was feeling a little better. However, Hwawoon shook his head slightly and softly called out to the emperor. His composed voice carried a compelling authority that Yihan couldn’t resist. When Yihan ceased his motion and turned his gaze back to Hwawoon, Hwawoon spoke with a faint smile on his lips.

“I… want to help you dress up.”

It was nothing special as it was only natural that a concubine of the palace where the Emperor spent the night would assist the Emperor in preparing for his morning inquiry. Yet, there was something about those words that caused Yihan’s heart to crumble, something he couldn’t quite describe. There was a subtle, indescribable grimness in those words. The atmosphere around Hwawoon was elusive and hard to pinpoint.

Yihan stared at Hwawoon, wanting to discern the source of that odd feeling, and slowly stood up. Suddenly, Hwawoon, who was right in front of him, felt distant. Love is an emotion that fosters an intense familiarity with everything about the other person, but today, Hwawoon seemed strangely distant, as if they were separated by a very large river.

Hwawoon moved in silence. The way he tended to the Emperor’s hair and attire showed no trace of the commotion of a few days ago.

There were many things Yihan wanted to ask. What had truly transpired during his drowning incident? Did he indeed fall by his own mistake? How did he intend to address those involved? Yihan yearned to ask all of this. No, in reality, those weren’t the most pressing queries. Yihan desired to inquire about the previous night. He wanted to understand the significance behind Yeon Hwawoon’s earlier words. He longed to comprehend the reason for his profound apology. Why had Hwawoon mentioned deceiving and mocking him? Yihan wanted to grab his shoulders and ask him.

Ultimately, he wanted to know if, along the path they had traced together, there had truly been a moment when Hwawoon had deceived him.

At the same time, Yihan didn’t want to ask anything. He wished to feign ignorance, to dismiss it as something said in a moment of confusion during a nightmare due to sickness. Yihan desired to avert his gaze and pretend it hadn’t occurred, as Hwawoon acted as if nothing had happened.

Yihan was afraid. He was scared of Hwawoon’s response. Yihan feared that the heart he cherished so dearly, believing in its sincerity, might be a fabrication. He was apprehensive that Yeon Hwawoon might disclose that his heart meant nothing. That on this day, Yihan would be left solitary, as if his heart had been discarded. Yihan couldn’t utter a word until Hwawoon’s hands lifted the crown and placed it upon his head.