Heartbeat of Innocence

TW: panic attack and depictions of self harm

On the way back, Chen Jingchuan continued to talk to Yuan Yao through a call. Shen Dongyu leaned to the side, watching the city pass by while the evening news was broadcasted through the taxi’s radio. 

Chen Jingchuan’s voice was low, making him sound patient and reliable. 

Shen Dongyu felt somewhat uncomfortable, and wanted to ask the driver to stop so he could go buy a bottle of water. He wanted to talk to Chen Jingchuan and ask for his opinion, but his call was still ongoing, and Shen Dongyu didn’t want to interrupt. 

After getting out of the car, Chen Jingchuan paid for the taxi fare. When he went to grab his luggage, he saw that Shen Dongyu’s expression didn’t look too good, and asked, “Are you feeling uncomfortable?”

“It’s nothing, just a little carsick.” Shen Dongyu replied vaguely. 

“Eat some sour food after you get back, that should help you feel a little better.” The aftertaste of Chen Jingchuan’s phone call to Yuan Yao still lingered. A smile was shown to Shen Dongyu, but not for Shen Dongyu. 

He obediently nodded and agreed. 

Shen Dongyu walked behind Chen Jingchuan, inexplicably glancing at his hand hanging outside, then thought of the scene on this street that day when Chen Jingchuan had fixed Yuan Yao’s clothes before reaching out to touch her face. His palm must’ve been very warm, otherwise Yuan Yao wouldn’t have nuzzled against it.

Back at home, Shen Shuran hasn’t yet returned. As if it were natural, Jiang Yuan let him eat dinner with them together, along with Xiao Ju. 

Xiao Ju always pestered Shen Dongyu to help him bring Chen Jingchuan over for games. Chen Jingchuan was really good, especially in shooting games, which Shen Dongyu couldn’t even hope to match.

Xiao Ju didn’t know how to play, but enjoyed being part of the fun. Being in Chen Jingchuan’s room had gotten him too carried away with playing. Yet Chen Jingchuan would also take Shen Dongyu into consideration, letting him join in, and even occasionally joking around to tease the other party.

Xiao Ju’s mom made him bring a bagful of White Rabbit candy1Soft and chewy milk based candy. The wrappers are also edible, made of rice for all of them to enjoy. Anyone entering the room at this time could see Shen Dongyu resting his chin on the sofa, looking down at Chen Jingchuan playing games.

Too caught up in the fun, Xiao Ju soon forgot mom’s instructions to share the candy with the geges. When he pounced over, Chen Jingchuan had just finished a round, so the phone that Xiao Ju struggled for was almost broken in half.

“Hey, be careful. I almost stabbed you.” Chen Jingchuan teased Xiao Ju, who refused to get up from his lap.

“I wanna play too.” Xiao Ju turned his head and pitifully looked at him while taking the opportunity to hide the phone in his arms, afraid that Chen Jingchuan would snatch it back and not let him play.

“Then peel a candy for gege to eat.” Chen Jingchuan copied Xiao Ju’s usual arrogance and raised his chin, looking completely different from his aloof appearance at school.

Shen Dongyu lied there, subconsciously smiling as he watched.

Xiao Ju obediently peeled off the candy wrapper, then delivered it to Chen Jingchuan’s mouth. In order to play games to his heart’s content, Xiao Ju cleverly gave the entire bag of candy in his pocket to Chen Jingchuan, then happily nestled in the sofa corner with the phone to browse the game site that he couldn’t yet understand.

Chen Jingchuan smiled as he peeled candy for Xiao Ju. Shen Dongyu supported his chin and saw this scene. Not knowing where to look, only restraining his thoughts and hoping not to be misunderstood.

Chen Jingchuan sat on a sofa corner. He wore trousers at home, stretching out his legs and lowering his head as he peeled off the candies’ outer covering. Shen Dongyu watched his movements as it gradually overlapped with the thoughts in his heart.

“Come here.” Chen Jingchuan’s voice was sweet as he held the candy.

Shen Dongyu’s arm rubbed against the sofa as he slowly inched closer, smelling the sweet scent of milk in the air. It came from Chen Jingchuan.

Chen Jingchuan personally reached out and fed it to Shen Dongyu. When he slightly opened his mouth, he caught Chen Jingchuan’s warm fingertips, covering them with the heat of his lips for a few seconds.

“Thank you.” Shen Dongyu said subconsciously.

Chen Jingchuan slowed his movements, then looked up to see Shen Dongyu with a face red from the heater, not understanding this sudden politeness.

Shen Dongyu was particularly sensitive to other people’s moods, so he immediately realized that he shouldn’t have said thank you. As he awkwardly tried to think of something to say, Chen Jingchuan said that it wasn’t a problem in the next moment.

“You want more?” Chen Jingchuan grabbed a handful of candies and handed them to Shen Dongyu, “I still have a lot.”

Shen Dongyu didn’t like sweets, including sugared hawthorn. But he still accepted them, responding with an okay.

That night, Chen Jingchuan went out. Shen Dongyu laid down to sleep, bored. Games had also lost their flavor.

The therapy sessions in Beijing didn’t have any particularly useful effects. Shen Dongyu felt agitation in his heart. Especially at night before going to sleep, some forbidden thoughts would always end up revealing themselves.

He put away his phone and got up to go on the balcony, gazing towards the city covered in wutong trees as he wondered when Chen Jingchuan would return.

After silently waiting until ten o’clock, Shen Dongyu still didn’t want to sleep. He put on his clothes, planning to take a stroll outside.

Shen Dongyu wasn’t familiar with the roads, the city and the people in front of him all blurred together. He also didn’t dare to go too far, so he slowly walked around the small park before finally circling back to the convenience store across from home and sitting down.

He bought a can of cold beer. The moment he popped open the lid, he remembered the medicine that he brought back from the hospital on the doctor’s order and that he wasn’t allowed to touch alcohol.

But Shen Dongyu didn’t listen. He was very rebellious, and drank half a bottle in one go.

Large amounts of alcohol can quickly paralyze the brain’s nerves, allowing the pain that he silently endured to be revealed, without any need to put up a fake smile, or be okay with others’ ridicule.

In front of the convenience store’s floor-to-ceiling window was a large banyan tree in the middle of flowering. The store’s pale and cold light spread its influence outside, as Shen Dongyu lay on the long wooden table, silently looking at the street’s nighttime scenery.

Tap tap.

The glass outside the store was knocked on two or three times before the confused Shen Dongyu’s attention was finally diverted. But he didn’t look outside the window, thinking it was an employee who disturbed him.

While he looked left and right, Chen Jingchuan knocked on the glass again.

The person inside looked at him with fascinated eyes, smiling as if it were their first meeting, and sat obediently on the high stool, waving to say hello. Even though he gave off a polite and familiar appearance, Chen Jingchuan felt that Shen Dongyu wanted him to quickly leave, which was why he smiled so sweetly.

Shen Dongyu was obviously waiting for him, but he also didn’t want Chen Jingchuan to see himself so muddled and intoxicated.

“Come home with me.” Chen Jingchuan walked into the shop, took away the bottle, then pulled at Shen Dongyu’s arm, bringing him into his embrace.

“Okay.”

Shen Dongyu lowered his head, following Chen Jingchuan’s steady steps home.

“Where did you go?” Shen Dongyu couldn’t help asking while in his arms.

“What did you drink for?” Chen Jingchuan answered back with a question, “Getting so drunk in the middle of the night, did you break up?”

“No.” Shen Dongyu shook his head, knowing that Chen Jingchuan didn’t want to answer, but didn’t want to retreat as he usually would. “I asked you, so tell me.”

“I don’t want to say it.” Chen Jingchuan refused.

The hand on his shoulder loosened its grip a little, so Shen Dongyu didn’t dare to ask anymore.

For the three days of break, Chen Jingchuan was seldomly home, suddenly with many things on his mind. Jiang Yuan kept asking, but he didn’t want to talk or think about it.

When he went to find Yuan Yao that night, she told Chen Jingchuan that she would be going abroad after graduation. She broke the news too late, and because Yuan Yao kept it to herself, they missed the best time to communicate.

The conversation was fruitless, and the two engaged in a cold war.

Making plans with Li Muxu to play basketball in the afternoon, all his pent-up emotions fueled his moves in the game. But the effect of profuse sweating was very good, so he played with Li Muxu until eight o’clock before going home.

The stairwell was narrow, and the lights were limited to only the first-floor landing. Under this gloomy glow sat Shen Dongyu, who blocked Chen Jingchuan’s path.

He sat on the second floor landing, appearing drowsy. His trembling eyelids wouldn’t close, as he struggled to keep this narrow space within his sight. Suddenly, there was a warm and cool touch on his forehead. He looked up to look for the source, but the lights in the corridor suddenly turned on, blinding his eyes.

Shen Dongyu was like a ghost without any essence, falling backwards without any strength after Chen Jingchuan lightly tapped him. But luckily, Chen Jingchuan reached out to grab his arm and clothes, stopping him from falling.

“Shen Dongyu?” Chen Jingchuan called out to him patiently.

Shanghai’s early summer jumped between cold and hot. Just as a coat can’t handle the sudden drop in temperature, Chen Jingchuan, who felt the coldness of the draft, brought his clothes closer to himself.

Shen Dongyu was leaning against the wall, then opened his eyes and looked at Chen Jingchuan in a daze, carelessly asking, “Why haven’t you been back lately…”

Chen Jingchuan remained silent, only feeling cold, and wanted to tell him to get up and go home. However, Shen Dongyu reached out a hand and tugged on the corner of Chen Jingchuan’s clothes, saying, “It hurts.”

Moths rustled against the lukewarm light, and the draft in the corridor blew away the pinkness of Shen Dongyu’s cheeks from drinking. Chen Jingchuan asked him in confusion, “What hurts?”

Shen Dongyu fell forward into Chen Jingchuan’s arms, passing out.

Seeing this, Chen Jingchuan hugged Shen Dongyu home. Turning off the living room and bedroom lights, he placed Shen Dongyu on his own bed amidst the darkness.

The two of them lay on the same bed. Shen Dongyu didn’t sleep well, as tears kept streaming down onto the pillow and Chen Jingchuan’s clothes, and he let out almost inaudible muffled groans with eyes tightly shut. Chen Jingchuan was in a light sleep, and could intermittently make out that he was still saying it hurts.

“Dongyu, where does it hurt?” Chen Jingchuan flipped around to turn on the night light. Using his thumb to wipe away the wet tears and then parting the stray hairs in front of his forehead to the sides, he clearly saw Shen Dongyu’s painful and haggard appearance.

“I don’t know…” Shen Dongyu’s voice was dry and hoarse and somewhat cracked as he spoke the words with difficulty. His chest heaved rapidly. Gasping for breath, he clutched at his clothes and tore at them roughly. Chen Jingchuan saw that something was off with him, and immediately grasped his wrists. “Okay okay. Dongyu, don’t be so fierce with yourself.”

As if he couldn’t hear, Shen Dongyu kept pulling at his collar. As if he couldn’t bear the pain that emanated from a certain spot, he whimpered and cried. With the light provided by the night light, his actions allowed Chen Jingchuan to clearly see that, on the fair skin, near the heart, were all kinds of mottled scars— 

Chen Jingchuan’s breathing hitched. Feeling like his heart was submerged underwater, he was momentarily stunned. He bent down to hug Shen Dongyu’s still-struggling body, softly patting his back. “Don’t be hurt, Dongyu, alright?”

With a gentle tone, he comforted Shen Dongyu bit by bit until he fell into a deep sleep. Only then did Chen Jingchuan turn off the night light, deliberately avoiding recalling the scene that had just occurred. 

The morning sun rested among the pine needles, following the current of the wind to be blown onto the brick-red balcony, onto the clothes that were drying outside. 

Jiang Yuan shook the water off her hands, then walked into the living room with a water bucket, telling Chen Jingchuan, “Remember to bring some breakfast to A’Yu, we’re heading out first.”

After cleaning up the house and leaving with Chen Lu2Chen Jingchuan’s father, she was still worrying about utilities when she closed the door. 

The door rang out abruptly as it closed. Chen Jingchuan’s gaze landed back on the teacup. Sleeping in the living room last night caused a whole night of discomfort, and he had already drunk two cups to energize himself. To not sleep well was really to suffer.

Just as he was frowning while sipping that last bit of tea, Shen Dongyu came out muddle-headed from Chen Jingchuan’s bedroom.

“Awake?”

“En.” Shen Dongyu couldn’t remember the events of last night, only knowing that he had passed out at the stairwell, and apologized. “Sorry to trouble you.”

“Do you have a headache?” Chen Jingchuan overlooked this early morning apology, only caring about him with a smile, not mentioning anything else.

“Not anymore.” Shen Dongyu smoothly lied.

Chen Dongyu felt that being close to Shen Dongyu must be tiring. Shen Dongyu always carefully felt out other people’s moods, afraid that saying one wrong word would make the other party unhappy. Yet others must also monitor Shen Dongyu’s mood to hide their own feelings, so as not to make him feel wronged.

Yet he also always rejected other people’s kindness, distancing himself more and more.

Whether or not he had a headache was something that only Shen Dongyu himself knew. Chen Jingchuan didn’t probe further and stopped speaking.

Going about his own business and rinsing his mouth with water, ignoring the person at the table who made speculations about him.

Actually, with Chen Jingchuan’s patience and upbringing, he wouldn’t have cared about such an unfriendly person. But he couldn’t see through this person who didn’t speak clearly and always said the opposite of what he felt, making him want to tease Shen Dongyu, to make him embarrassed, to make him vulnerable.

But Chen Jingchuan didn’t expect Shen Dongyu to be a little turtle, retreating back into his shell once he encountered something he couldn’t resolve, before finally leaving aggrievedly, all while remaining shut inside.

Shen Dongyu still wore the unwashed clothes from last night as he prepared to leave. Chen Jingchuan, who stood by the sink, immediately gave up, stopping him as he called out, “Let’s go to school together. I’ll take you there.”

It might be better to just not tease someone who really couldn’t handle being teased, Chen Jingchuan thought.

“No need, I can take the bus.”

“We should go together, it’s faster that way.”

“It’s okay.”

“Let’s go together, don’t always refuse me.”

“I didn’t.”

“Then let’s go.”

It was rare for Chen Jingchuan to treat someone so childishly. Afraid that Shen Dongyu would turn tail and run, he brought his backpack downstairs to the parking shed before returning it to him.

“Put on the helmet.”

Chen Jingchuan threw it to him from the motorcycle’s compartment. Standing on the road, Shen Dongyu caught it quickly and firmly, then fastened it to his head.

It was the first time for Shen Dongyu to ride on Chen Jingchuan’s motorcycle. He experienced Shanghai’s early morning, the wutong trees that flaunted their green leaves, and the cafes that are now in business. Every scene was worthy of being captured on film.

 

TL: With Shen Dongyu’s drinking and smoking, I’m lowkey worried about his health… and questioning how he managed to even buy it. Novel logic I guess.

Also, it’s a small detail but I changed the “candied hawthorn” from previous chapters to “sugared hawthorn”. They’re different things, but candied hawthorns are a lot more common so I used that at first. Now that the author keeps bringing it up though, I thought I should make the distinction clear. Sorry about the confusion ^^

The Hawthorns

Candied hawthorn – tanghulu

Powdered sugar hawthorn
1Soft and chewy milk based candy. The wrappers are also edible, made of rice2Chen Jingchuan’s father