Heartbeat of Innocence

TW: mentions of suicide

During the break between classes the next day, Shen Dongyu and his deskmate Lin You went to the water room1a separate room for students to refill their water bottles to fetch water, while Chen Jingchuan and Li Muxu also lined up behind them.

“Was the light fixed?” Chen Jingchuan first noticed Shen Dongyu, then cut through the crowd to stand by his side.

“Not yet.” Shen Dongyu looked back at Chen Jingchuan and softly answered.

When Shen Dongyu regained clarity, he found that the two of them really had nothing to talk about, and there wasn’t any need for him to ask why Chen Jingchuan didn’t return yesterday. Just as he planned to keep silent, out of the corner of his eyes, he saw that the bottle in Chen Jingchuan’s hand was covered in stickers and even had some brown sugar inside.

Shen Dongyu blinked twice to conceal his emotions, then gave up his spot, saying to Chen Jingchuan, “You can go first.”

“Got it.”

The tea and water room was next to the cafeteria, with a gray cement wall along the road. A few wildflowers sprouted along the road through the cracks that had spread throughout the years.

Lin You used the hot water to fill her thermos with instant coffee. Its smell was a strong assault on the nose, but the girl drank it happily, even asking Shen Dongyu if he wanted to make some too.

The nine o’clock sunlight spread through the entire campus, accompanying Shen Dongyu and Lin You as they chatted, heading towards their classroom.

At this moment, Chen Jingchuan and Li Muxu also finished filling their water bottles and came out. Shen Dongyu raised a hand to cover the glare of the scorching sun, and quietly turned back to look at Chen Jingchuan, but Chen Jingchuan’s gaze just stayed on Shen Dongyu’s silhouette.

They didn’t say anything else.

Zhiyuan building2志 – zhì , “aspiration” 远, – yuǎn, “far” Basically “Faraway Aspirations Building” was a new building specially approved and constructed this year, in order to provide the experimental senior class with a good study environment for the upcoming Gaokao3College entrance examination. A comprehensive exam that lasts for about a total of 9 hours over 2-3 days. In China, a student’s whole future depends on how they perform on this test.. The entire building only had a single classroom and two offices on the fifth floor, with the rest still under construction.

So every time the senior students returned to the fifth floor classroom, the stairs would smell of paint and metal.

Self-study started at 6:30 at night. His class president4Each class has its own class officers who help the teachers watch over the rest of the students had already discussed with Shen Shuran to let him return home after attending two self-study sessions everyday, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to listen to or follow up with the material, which could easily impede his learning process.

Shen Dongyu didn’t think there was a problem with this, so jiejie also agreed.

During the self study that night, the teacher grabbed the wrong materials. So Lin You, the class deputy, went to retrieve the actual materials along with Shen Dongyu’s help. The two of them entered Zhiyuan building one after another.

The lights in Zhiyuan building hadn’t been installed yet, within the pitch black building there was only the green light from the emergency exit sign.

“Are you afraid of the dark?” Lin You noticed that Shen Dongyu only stood at the entrance, not going in.

“En.” Shen Dongyu didn’t deny it, staring blankly at the person who had already gone into the darkness.

“The office on the second floor also doesn’t have lights.” Lin You said, “You can just wait for me right here.”

“Are you okay by yourself?”

“It’s not a problem.”

Saying this, Lin You turned and ran up the stairs, leaving Shen Dongyu standing there blankly by himself on the first floor.

He took out a pack of Marlboro from his uniform’s pocket, hid outside a classroom deep in the corridor, and lit the cigarette between his fingers.

Marlboro wasn’t easy to smoke. The moment it left the nostrils, its spiciness made people want to vomit. Shen Dongyu had the same reaction the first time he smoked.

The street light was hidden between the leaves of the magnolia tree, faint and peaceful, spilling out hues of pleasure.

When Shen Dongyu came to again, he saw Chen Jingchuan enter this classroom with Yuan Yao. The color of the night covered their movements, and likewise, they couldn’t see Shen Dongyu.

The half cigarette that he didn’t finish smoking was thrown onto the hallway that had some stains of white paint. He stamped it out with his foot, and the tobacco came out with it, bringing about a sense of agitation.

Lin You still hadn’t returned, so he lit a new cigarette, holding it between his fingers, and looked towards the moonlit classroom where Chen Jingchuan and Yuan Yao stood near a corner of the blackboard, their kiss falling upon each other. Shen Dongyu leaned against the wall again, lowering his head to glance at the oblique shadows on the corridor floor, and left after smoking his last cigarette.

The classroom had a cigarette smell outside that Chen Jingchuan was unfamiliar with, and throbs of desire that Yuan Yao couldn’t settle.

It was damp and dark, without security cameras or lights, and Chen Jingchuan didn’t see anyone.

Shen Dongyu returned to class with a heavy heart. He was absent minded, no matter if it was paying attention during class or taking mock exams. Because he had insomnia at night, he missed the morning self-study the next day, so he leisurely made his way to school for the first class in the afternoon.

The sunny days in spring were filled with hues of lively green, blue skies, and white clouds. The yellow, withering fall leaves have now returned to verdancy, casting shades of shadow in front of desks that block the sunlight.

“Shen Dongyu.” When the physical education teacher got to Shen Dongyu’s name, he had just unhurriedly arrived.

With a soft voice, on the sports field that wasn’t particularly noisy, he replied to the teacher. “Here.”

“You still have your backpack, what were you doing?” The teacher asked.

“I’m sick, I’ve already asked for leave.” Shen Dongyu casually dealt with the question.

“Then, go back to your team.”

Shen Dongyu laid his backpack on the ping-pong table. Without raising his head, he went back to his team, running and doing warmups with classmates whom he didn’t know.

He wasn’t used to making friends, but if anyone approached him first to chat, he never refused. Shen Dongyu would wear a fake smile, looking very happy.

After warmups, the PE teacher allowed them to do whatever they wanted. Shen Dongyu sat alone next to the backpack on the ping-pong table, casually watching the classmates who played happily and carefreely on the field.

His uniform jacket was all taken off. Supporting his body with a hand on the table, there were still drops of sweat that weren’t absorbed by the fabric of his thin T-shirt.

The sky appeared golden as, in the late afternoon, Chen Jingchuan entered school after Shen Dongyu. He was talking to Li Muxu about which class was having physical education now as they walked downstairs.

It wasn’t until he saw Shen Dongyu, alone and away from the crowd, that he remembered which class it was.

Overlooking from a distance away, just those few seconds of seeing him in his white T-shirt, with the colorful clouds around the skyline and the flying birds casting shadows on his thin body, and when there was a breeze, the green, falling leaves on the street sides dancing in the air, all formed a dedicatedly portrayed image.

They went to the field, greeting Shen Dongyu and asking him why he wasn’t playing basketball with his classmates. Shen Dongyu was shrouded in the sun’s golden light, making even his pale lips look colorful.

Chen Jingchuan watched his somewhat glossy mouth curve upwards, and smiled along with him. He looked good when he smiled, really cute, Chen Jingchuan thought.

Chen Jingchuan remembered that Li Muxu had come up with an unnecessary question at that time, which Li Muxu also ended up asking him before coming to the verdict that Shen Dongyu was strange.

He knew that Li Muxu was only curious and didn’t mean any harm. He didn’t prevent Li Muxu from bringing up this scar because he also wanted to know. For Shen Dongyu to stand on that bridge for so long, what was his purpose?

“Me?” Shen Dongyu opened his eyes wide, looking as if he were pondering something. Under Li Muxu’s mocking gaze, he bluntly said, “I wanted to jump in the river to commit suicide.”

“Are you for real?” Li Muxu immediately believed him, joking, “Relationship troubles?”

Shen Dongyu softly chuckled a few times, then Li Muxu started joking around again. But Chen Jingchuan gazed at Shen Dongyu as he stood aside, not knowing what he should say, though it seemed like Li Muxu’s curiosity was satisfied.

However, Chen Jingchuan knew that Li Muxu would still classify that first encounter with Shen Dongyu as unpleasant, and even remember it for a long time.

“Don’t talk nonsense.” Chen Jingchuan finally opened his mouth, using an arm to lightly shove Li Muxu, “You’re going overboard.”

Chen Jingchuan, at this moment, only wanted to know why Shen Dongyu was always alone, always saying strange things.

When he analyzed his question, he realized that Shen Dongyu had never appeared in his school life or personal life. Their encounters were all very brief, not having nearly enough time to get to know the other person.

During the evening, when school would soon end, the entire grade was let out of class early to go back to their dorms and pack their suitcases.

Lin You had asked Shen Dongyu to wait for her downstairs, happily telling Shen Dongyu that they should go eat the delicious shou zhua bing5crispy scallion pancakes right outside the school, then get a cup of milk tea afterwards.

It was during this time that they ran into Li Muxu and Chen Jingchuan’s girlfriend, Yuan Yao.

Li Muxu wanted to greet them, but he didn’t actually make any moves. He wanted to know whether or not Shen Dongyu would take the initiative, especially since he didn’t have a high opinion of Shen Dongyu after what happened in the morning.

The old sink was made of blue and white tile, with some stains that couldn’t be washed off on the edge. Shen Dongyu, not minding its dirtiness, leaned his body on the edge, spacing out.

It was only when Li Muxu stopped him for a greeting, that he responded in astonishment, “Hello.”

“I’m,” Li Muxu saw Shen Dongyu’s blank gaze, felt that he was really stupid, so he helplessly pointed to himself and said, “Li Muxu.” Yuan Yao’s name was mentioned afterwards.

He had seen Yuan Yao twice before, each time from a distance. This is the first time that he has seen her face clearly. He didn’t think she was particularly pretty, but her smile had the ability to brighten up people’s moods.

Shen Dongyu quickly scanned her, his sight lingering on her lipsticked lips.

“Shen Dongyu.”

“Are you going home with Jingchuan today?” Li Muxu initiated small talk.

“Not today, I’m with my classmate.” Shen Dongyu didn’t know why Li Muxu brought up such a broad and pointless question. They obviously don’t meet often.

“Oh.” Li Muxu said, “Then we’ll get going first.”

“Okay.”

After they left, Lin You brought her suitcase down the stairs with difficulty, and the two of them walked out of school.

Lin You loved to talk, she appeared very cute while chatting away. Shen Dongyu patiently listened, occasionally giving a response every once in a while.

Chen Jingchuan and his group were very lively as they followed behind. He didn’t bring too much, mostly helping to carry Yuan Yao’s luggage. The two lagged behind as they conversed all the way to the street, then waited for the traffic light.

The boy who stood ten meters away was comforting the Lin You who was about to leave with her dad.

After Lin You left, he stood by the streetside, waiting for a taxi. It was too noisy around him, so Shen Dongyu put on his earbuds, and randomly played a song that was plain.

In front of Shen Dongyu, there was only a shadow of a building. The gentle afterglow all fell on one side, forming a clear borderline with one another.

When Chen Jingchuan was  joyously talking with his classmate, in the corner of his eye, he met the sight of Shen Dongyu, who was also turning back to look at him.

Shen Dongyu stood on the otherwise lonely street. Through the crowd, he smiled at Chen Jingchuan.

Chen Jingchuan took a quick glimpse, and then looked at Yuan Yao, hearing her say, “Jingchuan, can you come over to my house tonight?”

“What happened?” There was passion and gentleness in Chen Jingchuan’s eyes, like a lake of water, meticulously reflecting Yuan Yao’s appearance. If such an affectionate glance still had a chance of waiting for her, Yuan Yao would do anything for him.

Yuan Yao stood silent for half a minute, starting to feel awkward from his gaze. The way her mouth was shut tightly made it obvious that she wasn’t sure how to talk about the topic. Chen Jingchuan couldn’t guess what it was, only responding with, “I’ll come over tonight, you can think about it for now.”

The green light came on, but Chen Jingchuan didn’t move. He let his friends and the preoccupied Yuan Yao go first.

When Chen Jingchuan moved to cross, he discovered that the location had a draft blowing through. Shen Dongyu felt cold and tightly wrapped his down jacket around himself, then smiled, “You’re still not going?”

“I’m going now.” Chen Jingchuan said.

Half of his face was in the light, forcing Shen Dongyu to place his hand in front of his forehead to block some light before being able to see him clearly. He joked cheerfully, “You’re too dazzling.”

“Stand over here.” Chen Jingchuan pulled him away from the location of the wind, then stood a little closer. “Still dazzling from your perspective?”

The sun was still glaring. Shen Dongyu smiled and shook his head, “Not anymore.”

Perhaps, starting from that day, Chen Jingchuan didn’t want to see him standing by himself, didn’t want to see him in his down jacket waiting for a taxi in the wind, lowering his head in silence, isolated from the surroundings, letting others think he was very weird.

It was also that day that he saw Shen Dongyu’s actual characters on the name tag, and changed the tagged name in his contacts to the right one. 6He originally had Shen Dongyu’s name as 沈东予 instead of 沈冬予, changing the character “winter” to “east”. They sound the same

The wind at the corner of the street was very strong. Chen Jingchuan asked Shen Dongyu, who was holding his bag of clothes, to go home together.

 

TL: I had a bad feeling when I first saw the bridge part in the previous chapters. It’s a really good thing that Chen Jingchuan was there for Shen Dongyu. I’ve mentioned this before, but please be careful with the novel’s topics while reading. There are more angsty chapters ahead.

1a separate room for students to refill their water bottles2志 – zhì , “aspiration” 远, – yuǎn, “far” Basically “Faraway Aspirations Building”3College entrance examination. A comprehensive exam that lasts for about a total of 9 hours over 2-3 days. In China, a student’s whole future depends on how they perform on this test.4Each class has its own class officers who help the teachers watch over the rest of the students5crispy scallion pancakes6He originally had Shen Dongyu’s name as 沈东予 instead of 沈冬予, changing the character “winter” to “east”. They sound the same