Heartbeat of Innocence

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Shen Dongyu slept next to Chen Jingchuan’s arm but faced him on his back. At first, Chen Jingchuan thought that he was just not used to it, but when it was just starting to turn bright outside, Chen Jingchuan was woken up by the sob that Shen Dongyu tried to suppress.

Chen Jingchuan lay on one side, staring at the ceiling, his mind going blank. It wasn’t until Shen Dongyu’s breath calmed down that he blinked with his sore socket.

Chen Jingchuan turned to his side, reaching his warm arm to Shen Dongyu’s waist, slowly trying to hold him by his chest. With Shen Dongyu’s reaction, he slowly touched his thin back.

“I’m here with you.” Chen Jingchuan’s lip was close to Shen Dongyu’s ears. The familiar smell made Shen Dongyu, who was in his arms, pull himself closer.

Seeing Shen Dongyu in silence, Chen Jingchuan turned Shen Dongyu facing him, but Shen Dongyu was unwilling to raise his head, burying his face in his neck. Chen Jingchuan’s chin was leaning on Shen Dongyu’s hair that got messy from him rubbing against his head, and then he asked, “Why are you crying again?”

Maybe it was too sudden; the response that Shen Dongyu had never thought of came like a dream. He was scared of waking up and not seeing Chen Jingchuan, so he kept his eyes closed.

Chen Jingchuan understood the sense of security Shen Dongyu had lost since his childhood. If he didn’t offer an affirming response and behavior, he would be in anxiety and doubt, so he had been comforting him. At the end, seeing he was actually taking Chen Jingchuan’s words, he used his warm palm to wipe away the tears: “Okay, do you want to get some food with me in a bit?”

Shen Dongyu felt comforted by Chen Jingchuan; his mood was starting to calm down, and he asked, his eyes half open, “What are you going to do?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” Chen Jingchuan leaned the upper half of his body on his arm and smiled, looking downward at Shen Dongyu. “I was getting up to do some work.”

“So I woke you up.” Shen Dongyu said in an apologizing manner.

“No,” Chen Jingchuan shook his head, explaining, “I’ve been resting a lot these few days, so it wasn’t as tiring.”

“I want to go with you.” Shen Dongyu said while Chen Jingchuan got up.

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He left the bathroom within the bedroom for Shen Dongyu and went to the bathroom on the first floor. After changing into a clean T-shirt and long pants, he sat in the bar to get some coffee, taking out the files he still hadn’t processed from yesterday while waiting for Shen Dongyu to get down.

That day, Chen Jingchuan forgot about his plan with Li Muxu. He only remembered and realized it when the doorbell rang.

Li Muxu was in sportswear, holding the breakfast he just got down around the building. Chen Jingchuan let him in like usual, but never mentioned that Shen Dongyu was there too.

Li Muxu excitedly drank the Americano made by Chen Jingchuan. Leaning his chin on his hand, he passionately talked about the project tasks they need to work on next. “I had already done everything else, it all should work out as long as you meet the requirements on your side.”

Chen Jingchuan lowered his head, attempting to make a heart with the creamer in the new Americano he made, but still failed even after a few attempts. He didn’t give up on that. While he kept trying, he also replied to Li Muxu, “You’ve already set my salary.”

“What’s your problem?” Li Muxu had always been a very serious person. He got frustrated by Chen Jingchuan’s joking words: “I’m not there to let you be the employee.”

Chen Jingchuan didn’t mind Li Muxu. He switched topics suddenly: “Shen Dongyu is upstairs.”

Li Muxu was still drinking the coffee. After hearing his words, he immediately looked at Chen Jingchuan, raising his eyebrows. Without finishing the coffee, he asked, “What’s he here for?”

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His tone sounded unfriendly, carrying an attitude of dislike that even Chen Jingchuan could tell.

“You really don’t like him.”

Chen Jingchuan said it straightforwardly, but Li Muxu also chose not to hide.

He put down the coffee cup, shrugging. It looked like he was ready to complain to Chen Jingchuan about all the things Shen Dongyu did, what he heard from him, and what he disliked about him: “He smoked in my car, he is very negative, and…”

Li Muxu was straightforward and harsh about it, but unusually, he stopped.

“What else?” Li Muxu was washing the cups, inattentively asking him for the other part of the sentence he wanted to say after stopping.

“Nothing.” Li Muxu wanted to change the topic, and his way of changing the topic was also very simple, just like the person himself. “Let’s eat dinner with Yan Xin tonight.”

“You’re really bad at making small talk.” Chen Jingchuan said, “And what? Don’t stop halfway.”

“It’s not something you need to know anyway.” Li Muxu saw that he was holding on to this matter and refused to let it go, so he had to say it seriously, hoping to use this tone to make Chen Jingchuan give up questioning.

“I know.” Chen Jingchuan put the cup back in the cabinet, turned around, put his hands on the bar table, looked straight at Li Muxu, and said in a gentle voice, “He likes me.”

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Li Muxu’s pupils dilated little by little in Chen Jingchuan’s sight, and then he quickly reacted, frowning in confusion as he asked, “You actually knew about it? Then why would you still keep him by your side if you knew?” Li Muxu felt that Shen Dongyu was like a hot potato, and hoped to throw him as far away as possible. “You’re just looking for trouble!”

“He had always kept a distance from me.” Chen Jingchuan’s mood had always been calm. He wasn’t surprised like Li Muxu, only describing the one thing that he thought could be solved. “It’s my own problem.”

Li Muxu didn’t believe him. “What problems could you have? Don’t tell me you’re going to say you like men?”

“I do.” Chen Jingchuan looked directly at Li Muxu, extremely sure.

Li Muxu stared sharply and directly into Chen Jingchuan’s eyes, trying to find the last trace of a joke, but unfortunately, he couldn’t find it.

The chat that day ended quickly, without any unpleasantness or stiffness. Chen Jingchuan just chose to continue the unfinished latte art with his back to Li Muxu.

Li Muxu stared at his back, hearing his heart beat like a drum for a long time, and finally retreated to the chair at the bar. His emotions no longer fluctuated so much, and he chose to have a serious conversation: “I thought you couldn’t tell.”

“How would that be possible?” Chen Jingchuan said with a smile in his tone. “It’s so obvious, even a fool could tell.”

“What are you going to do? Do your parents know?” Li Muxu asked.

This time, Chen Jingchuan finally gave up on the cup of coffee that he couldn’t get right and poured it into the sink.

But before Chen Jingchuan spoke, Li Muxu asked him if he really liked Shen Dongyu, or if he was too familiar with this person and had the illusion.

The proposition he asked was clear and clear. There was no need for much nonsense. It was just a choice between likes and dislikes.

Chen Jingchuan doesn’t like men, but he has liked women one after another over the years. Some were interrupted by work during their ambiguous relationship, some tried to have a drunken one-night stand in a bar, and some even made him want to get married, etc.

The word “like” was pale and boring. But it was also a proposition.

Chen Jingchuan peeled back everything and answered this seemingly simple question: “Muxu, I am almost thirty years old. I have passed that tender and heart-pounding age. I can clearly tell who I love or don’t love.”

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“So are you serious?” Li Muxu still refused to understand and accept and asked, “Why did you discover it at this time? Why not at other times? Isn’t it really just a whim? Chen Jingchuan, you know that people sometimes do irrational things because of their temporary interests and emotions.”

“I don’t want to try to convince you.” Chen Jingchuan said.

Chen Jingchuan told Li Muxu. It was probably a year ago in Shanghai. That day, he was driving Shen Dongyu home after drinking with Lin You. The man in the passenger seat acted like a drunkard and insisted on him getting out of the car to buy sugared hawthorn. The car was already driving at that time. When they arrived at Nanjing Road, Chen Jingchuan didn’t know whether Shen Dongyu did it on purpose, but he went anyway.

He didn’t know what happened after he left. He saw Shen Dongyu standing by the river, smoking a cigarette, and shedding tears irritably and uneasily. The expression with which he looked back at Chen Jingchuan was fatal, containing the unabashed sadness and deep love that could be seen by anyone who had experience, and it indeed made him escape for a long time.

A long, long time ago, he had already noticed Shen Dongyu’s excessive dependence on him and his lack of intimacy with other people, but at that time, Chen Jingchuan was even more overwhelmed.

So he deliberately didn’t ask why, nor why he didn’t eat snow hawthorn. He even left Shanghai early the next morning.

However, it has been more than half a year since he left.

When he was in Zurich, he looked at the scenery outside the window on his way back to the hotel, and remembered the asphalt road with not many people and a broken wooden bridge that he and Shen Dongyu walked on when they were in school. Because the accident in Zurich had made Chen Jingchuan nervous for several months, he actually felt a lot more relaxed when he thought of Shen Dongyu.

He then asked his assistant if Shen Dongyu had called recently. The assistant’s answer made him a little disappointed. He had been thinking about the phone call at the company party, but work and time always made him miss the opportunity to apologize and make amends.

He wanted to wait a little longer, wait until he returned to China, and wait for Shen Dongyu to take the initiative to call.

But when he returned to China, Shen Dongyu didn’t call, and the school had already closed for the holidays, and there was no one around. When Chen Jingchuan stood on the balcony outside Shen Dongyu’s classroom and overlooked the entire campus, he realized that he had been away from Shen Dongyu’s life for so long, even though that person had always liked to call him in confusion and ask him if he could come back and fix the light in the corridor that was broken.

It was snowing in Shanghai. When can he go home again? He always wanted to go home.

There was also a gift that Shen Dongyu was going to give him for Christmas, but Shen Dongyu put it around his neck and was so stubborn that he never gave it to him again. Clearly, the words “Chen Jingchuan” were engraved on the necklace.

And on the seaside in Guangdong, he was so beautiful, young, and boyish. But when he met Chen Jingchuan, he refused to turn his face to him. He blushed at the sea water and the sunset, and finally told him arrogantly that he had been unhappy for so long. Then he was happy again, finally willing to smile at Chen Jingchuan.

So Chen Jingchuan didn’t want Shen Dongyu to stand by the river crying because he woke up and found that he was not there, holding the snow hawthorn and tilting his head in sadness. After finally summoning his luck, he made that phone call at an inappropriate company party because of Jiang Yuan’s words. And while hiding on the rooftop and collapsing, he could only restrain himself from saying something uncomfortable to him.

He wanted Shen Dongyu to be happy and smile at him.

Chen Jingchuan was also accustomed to Shen Dongyu’s dependence and help from childhood.

After Chen Jingchuan told Li Muxu seriously, he still didn’t understand what Chen Jingchuan meant. Before leaving, he very seriously suggested that Chen Jingchuan go to the psychology department of the People’s Hospital for a check-up to see if there was really any mental illness.

 

After the living room calmed down, Shen Dongyu went downstairs barefoot and wearing the clothes he took off last night. Li Muxu’s cup had already been taken away, as if no one had been there just now. Chen Jingchuan was just grinding coffee seriously, and succeeded. A heart appeared on the coffee prepared for Shen Dongyu.

Shen Dongyu lowered his head and looked at the pattern made by Chen Jingchuan. He wanted to smile, but he couldn’t. His face turned red and redder and he just said thank you.

“This is my first time doing it.” Chen Jingchuan said, “You have to tell me what it’s like.”

Shen Dongyu put his lips against the edge of the cup, looked into Chen Jingchuan’s eyes, took a small sip, then slowly put down the cup and told him, “I like it.”

Chen Jingchuan raised his eyebrows slightly, walked over and took a sip from the cup of Americano, nodded slightly, and commented, “Not bad.”

But his words were directed to Shen Dongyu, and he didn’t really care about whether the coffee tasted good or whether Shen Dongyu’s answer was sincere.

Because whether it was good or not, Shen Dongyu would say yes.

Chen Jingchuan looked at his pale cheeks, which were as soft as reeds. Chen Jingchuan’s lips touched and then left seductively, causing Shen Dongyu to lean forward involuntarily and close his eyes that were swollen from crying.

When Shen Dongyu didn’t get a response, he was embarrassed and wanted to give up, but Chen Jingchuan didn’t let him leave. He held his chin and kissed him deeply.

The morning light outside the window shimmered between them, along with the swaying poplar trees. The hot __1It was like this in the raws. Use your imagination I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ between their teeth developed into a strong lust. The coffee couldn’t contain the hospitality2“hospitality” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), and was spilled by Chen Jingchuan.

“Do you like it?” Chen Jingchuan let go of Shen Dongyu’s chin and asked with a smile.

Shen Dongyu only had eyes for him and said, “I like it.”

“Don’t be unhappy in the future, okay?” Chen Jingchuan touched the corners of his eyes with his thumb and looked at the eyes that were about to turn red again.

Shen Dongyu swallowed the uncomfortable soreness in his throat and nodded obediently, “Okay.”

 

TL: Seeing it from Chen Jingchuan’s perspective was nice. I was wondering where his feelings for Shen Dongyu suddenly came from, but this chapter explained it pretty well. Also that last part ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Sorry I was a bit late with this chapter. I had so many writing assignments last week I wanted to throw my keyboard away.

1It was like this in the raws. Use your imagination I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯2“hospitality” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)