Heartbeat of Innocence

Shen Dongyu was inexplicably nervous. His palms covered with cold sweat, he awkwardly shook his clammy hand with Chen Jingchuan’s warm palm, and politely let go after two seconds. 

After Jiang Yuan wiped the remaining snow off of Chen Jingchuan’s clothes, she led Shen Dongyu by the shoulders towards the door of Chen Jingchuan’s bedroom, and softly said, “Let gege1Chinese for “older brother” play with you for a bit, I’ll call you for dinner when the dumplings are ready.”

Chen Jingchuan didn’t speak, his eyes slightly scanned Shen Dongyu, as if he was used to Jiang Yuan’s warm and enthusiastic nature. 

His room was relatively simple, containing a small sofa that’s only big enough for a single person, with snacks and game controllers next to it. Chen Jingchuan let Shen Dongyu sit on the sofa, then turned on the TV and casually handed him the game controller, “Play what you want.”

Shen Dongyu didn’t have any interest in games, and didn’t mind Chen Jingchuan’s indifference. He took out his own phone to browse travel photos, while Chen Jingchuan chatted with his girlfriend. At the end of the day, the girlfriend’s video call request came in, and only then did Chen Jingchuan get up to go to the bedroom’s balcony, closing the sliding glass door to separate him and Shen Dongyu, who was still in the bedroom. 

Dinner wasn’t ready until nearly the end of Chen Jingchuan’s call. Jiang Yuan asked him who he was talking to, and he said he’s discussing a basketball game with friends. 

After a few exchanges during dinner, Shen Dongyu realized Chen Jingchuan’s school and the school that he will be going to in the next year are one and the same. 

Jiang Yuan warmly recommended it to Shen Shuran. 

Jiang Yuan also urged Chen Jingchuan to take Shen Dongyu out for the next two days, letting him gain more familiarity with Shanghai. Chen Jingchuan, as polite and considerate as always, looked at Shen Dongyu and asked, “Anywhere you want to go?”

Shen Dongyu was busy eating dinner, but he raised his head and looked at Chen Jingchuan, jabbed the tang yuan2a traditional glutinous rice dessert shaped into balls and stuffed with fillings a few times with his chopsticks, then calmly smiled and generously said, “Not yet.”

When the time came to leave after dinner, Shen Dongyu didn’t touch the sugared hawthorns on the table. It was Chen Jingchuan who saw them out and handed it to him.

“Remember to eat it, it’s really sweet.”

“I will, thank you.”

 

On the morning of the next day, Shen Dongyu originally wanted to lie in bed and sleep, but he was dragged out of bed by Shen Shuran, who said that Chen Jingchuan was waiting for him downstairs. 

“Waiting for me for what?” He reluctantly got up, furrowing his eyebrows.

Shen Shuran helped him out, then said another line, “Didn’t you agree yesterday that you guys would go out together today?”

He thought that was just a casual conversational exchange, so he didn’t take it seriously.

When Shen Dongyu went downstairs, he saw Chen Jingchuan stepping around on the snow. Chen Jingchuan had both of his hands in the pockets of his down jacket, half of his face facing the rising sun, the other half captured in Shen Dongyu’s sight as he walked over, though it was partly blocked by a few stray hairs in front of his eyes.

Chen Jingchuan is tall and handsome, Shen Dongyu secretly evaluated.

They first took the bus to the quiet and refreshing Huashan Road, where European-style buildings with red walls and white roofs stood among the two rows of trees. 

After walking for a bit more, Wukang Mansion, a local landmark, comes into view on the opposite side of the street. Chen Jingchuan asked Shen Dongyu if he wanted to take pictures as a souvenir. Shen Dongyu bit his lower lip and looked around, but didn’t want to needlessly waste time so he shook his head without putting too much thought into it. 

They lingered around for about the same amount of time as two red lights. Chen Jingchuan waited until Shen Dongyu finished viewing before bringing him to the next location. It was only on this day that Shen Dongyu found out there is someone else who also likes unsweetened coffee. 

There already were some customers in the cafe located at unit 378. From spending a whole morning with Shen Dongyu, Chen Jingchuan already guessed in his heart that Shen Dongyu doesn’t like places lively with people, so he told the waiter that they’ll have the coffee to-go. 

Just as they left the cafe, a hurried stranger bumped into Shen Dongyu’s scalding hot coffee head on, causing Shen Dongyu’s hand to immediately turn red. Chen Jingchuan raised his hand out of the range of the coffee, and impatiently said to the person, “What are you rushing for?!”

The person kept apologizing nonstop. Seeing that Shen Dongyu hasn’t said anything, Chen Jingchuan held back the words in his mouth, and instead ignored the stranger to run back in the cafe and get some ice cubes and napkins. 

Chen Jingchuan also helped him buy another cup of coffee, specifically asking the cafe staff to not make it too hot. But even so, Chen Jingchuan kept the coffee in his own hands this time. When Shen Dongyu wanted to drink it, he would hand it to him, let him take a small sip, then regain possession of the cup. 

Shen Dongyu didn’t like it and found this way of drinking coffee very awkward, but when faced with Chen Jingchuan’s intentions, he couldn’t refuse. 

They went to many places in those two days. Visiting Tianzifang during the day, walking around the old alleyways under the warm sunshine, where there were spider ivy hanging down from the verandas. Through the windows, they could see the elderly having lunch together. At nightfall, they saw girls at Xintiandi, chatting, taking pictures, and hurriedly passing by. The black-bricked road has a feeling reminiscent of being inside an alley from the previous century, where a national romance would unfold.

Shen Dongyu also tried the red bean rice cake and shuang niang tuan3a traditional glutinous rice dessert made with sesame that Chen Jingchuan bought for him. 

After they reached Nanjing Street and were about to leave, Shen Dongyu, seeing so much tasty food around, impulsively acted. He pulled over Chen Jingchuan who was walking a bit fast, then spoke awkwardly, “I…… want to treat you to a meal before we leave.” 

He thought that since Chen Jingchuan spent the two days of his break on him, he should show him some sincerity and goodwill as well.

Chen Jingchuan picked the restaurant, while Shen Dongyu secretly paid. The meal time was rather dull. Even with the accompaniment of music, there wasn’t anything especially noteworthy.

At places with a lot of people, Shen Dongyu would inevitably end up feeling anxious, as if the emotions were grabbing onto his stomach. Before he could even try the soup, Shen Dongyu had already run to the restroom to puke. Maybe because he didn’t eat much, he didn’t throw up anything. 

After he came out, he asked the waiter for some warm water, and took a quarter of the alprazolam4a drug to treat anxiety and panic disorders that he always brought with him. 

Shen Dongyu was very good at faking. It was only his pale face that made Chen Jingchuan notice he might not be feeling well, so Chen Jingchuan quickly ate the dinner, finishing in half an hour. He then suggested taking a walk, and Shen Dongyu accompanied him without saying anything. 

Because of his condition, Shen Dongyu felt a bit worn out. His head dizzy, he didn’t have the energy to watch the street. Luckily, Chen Jingchuan would occasionally pull on his clothes, and in a kind voice, tell him to be careful. 

It was also due to Chen Jingchuan’s hold on Shen Dongyu’s shoulder that stopped him from running into the traffic.

“Don’t go, the light is red.” The gentle voice of Chen Jingchuan was so pleasant that it started to sound somewhat unreal. 

The water of Huangpu River crooned with a low sound, the skyline was wide, and the youth standing near the crossing at the center of the busy city finally pulled his attention back to reality. 

“Mn.” 

It is seven o’clock, and the heavy snow and colorful lights gradually inlay into the city. Not even two minutes after sitting down and waiting, the bus passed through the intersection, arriving at the stop. There weren’t many people riding the bus at this time, with many empty seats in the back, but Shen Dongyu left the choice to Chen Jingchuan. 

Shen Dongyu ended up sitting at a window seat.

The irregularly aligned buildings moved backwards in view through the window, with the windshield wiper breaking the drifting snowflakes into pieces. Being among the crowd who weren’t hurrying home on this snowy night, Chen Jingchuan and Shen Dongyu listened to the radio of the public bus. At this moment, they are isolated from the outside world, quiet and peaceful. 

“What’s this song?” Shen Dongyu asked suddenly 

“En?” Chen Jingchuan, who was spacing out, moved his ear closer to him, wanting him to repeat the question that he didn’t clearly hear, “What?” 

Shen Dongyu leaned close to his ear, speaking quietly, “The song is nice, do you know the name?”

Chen Jingchuan, after hearing his question, raised his head to look towards the mini TV hanging near the front. It played a MV from a band. 

The scenes played through quickly. He shifted his line of sight and said, “I know you know I love you, from Sunset Rollercoaster.” 

Chen Jingchuan’s voice is clean and pleasant, reminding Shen Dongyu of that time inside the dim corridor. The flickering lights and those fascinating French phrases, like the drifting snow brought by the wind through the clouds and moonlight, can calm one’s heart. 

“En.” Shen Dongyu buried his face back into the collar of his clothes, and didn’t look at Chen Jingchuan again. 

 

For the remainder of the holiday, the two of them barely talked. The characters “Shen Dongyu”5沈东予, different from his actual name 沈冬予. It sounds the same but changes the character “winter” to “east” that Chen Jingchuan had effortlessly typed became the noted name for Shen Dongyu among his contacts, out there among many names, slowly being forgotten. 

During that period of time, Shen Dongyu would still silently pass through the corridor and gaze at Chen Jingchuan from far away. At the other side of the deep hallway, he would be standing in front of the window, reading French out loud, with a few books and a voice recorder sitting at the windowsill. Perhaps the tape recorded him speaking romantic sentences of love, or stories of motivation. On the way home, Shen Dongyu stopped and stood there for a long time. Above his head there were still the dimmed lights, fading out into luminescent circles, watching over the back view that was eternally engraved into Shen Dongyu’s memory. 

However, Chen Jingchuan’s French lessons would conclude at the end of the semester, and Shen Dongyu won’t be able to halt his footsteps by the corridor’s stairs again. 

Airplanes drew a white trail onto the blue sky, coming from the fantasy of Europe, the winter of North America, the tropics of Singapore, coming into the new year of another country. 

Shen Dongyu went back to Hangzhou from Shanghai to spend his new year. He originally planned to go to Australia with Shen Shuran, but their mother Yu Nuan stubbornly commanded him to go back to spend the new year, saying that it would be even better if Shen Shuran could go too. 

Shen Dongyu passed on some of her words, but never mentioned the matter of Shen Shuran going back with him. He knew deep down that it would be an unpeaceful year, so he didn’t say anything, only letting Shen Shuran drive him to the station on the 29th. 

It took 45 minutes to arrive at Hangzhou East station. He spended this time using his earbuds to listen to music, looking at updated posts from social media. 

He switched between WeChat and a music app with boredom. His earbuds finished playing an English song, then switched to a song he was not so familiar with. It was the song played on the bus that day. 

At this moment, the quiet social media suddenly had a new post notification.

Chen Jingchuan posted a photo with his classmate. 

Shen Dongyu clicked into the photo, first noticing the girl whose arm was held by Chen Jingchuan. Her head was raised, looking at Chen Jingchuan’s face, and the sunlight at the school in the background projected onto the youths. It is almost as if in those few seconds, Chen Jingchuan was truly wholeheartedly joking with that girl, and the girl laughed, unable to hold back. Whoever took the picture coincidentally pressed down the shutter at the same moment. 

He liked the post and turned off his phone. 

After getting off the train, he boarded the subway. Shen Dongyu stood next to the automatic door, spacing out and looking at his own reflection from the glass. With a face mask covering half of his face, the hat pressed low on his head, and his hair wrapped around the outside of his ear. Eyes watering from yawning, clear and bright. 

The late winter in Hangzhou is a chill that strikes to the bones, making one want to escape, and making Shen Dongyu, who already doesn’t like winter, dislike Hangzhou even more. 

The pedestrians on the overpass often stop and take pictures of the streetlights hidden among the banyan tree leaves. The bright yellow light gives a slight feeling of warmth to the withered leaves even in the cold late winter. 

When he arrived home, Yu Nuan was putting food on the table. She didn’t seem as cold, almost as if she was a different person from her usual self. She did it on purpose, putting on an extra and unnecessary show.

Shen Dongyu didn’t have any concepts of “home”, having almost never felt the warmheartedness associated with the word. 

Because he had missed many important parts of his childhood, the experience of bullying at school caused him to underperform at the middle school placement exam, leading to a two year long rehabilitation treatment. 

“What did Shuran say?” Yu Nuan was picking cilantros in a bowl. With her eyelids lowered, it was hard to tell what her expression was.

Shen Dongyu quietly thought about the answer in his heart, coming up with a rational lie, “Jiejie is still very busy, she will be going on a business trip in Australia with her boss tonight.”

“Shuran hasn’t been back for years, I never know when she will come back and visit us.” His aunt interjected.

“She wants to come back too.” Shen Dongyu said. “Jiejie will probably come back after the new year.” 

“Who is she earning so much money for?” Shen Jiaying6Shen Dongyu and Shen Shuran’s father spoke, unable to hold back anymore. 

“Definitely not for us two.” Yu Nuan’s bloodshot eyes became more and more pronounced, revealing a look of reproach.

Shen Dongyu shoved some rice into his mouth, with a feeling of bitterness that spread from his mouth, making it difficult to swallow. 

“I raised two such ungrateful kids.” Shen Jiaying always disliked Shen Dongyu’s humble and cowardly appearance, the way he never said anything. The inexpressible anger in his heart flared and exacerbated, giving rise to a completely poor tone. “What is even the use of bringing you to life? I should have choked you to death.” 

Shen Dongyu had been quietly eating the rice this whole time, his head feeling dizzy. He even tried to convince himself to get used to it, but the neverending harsh words still left him completely defeated.

“What have you been saying?” His uncle beside them immediately tried to persuade them after seeing this, “They’re still so young, there’s no need to rush.”

Shen Jiaying and Yu Nuan didn’t seem to have let all of their anger out, but unwillingly stopped talking and started to eat. 

 

After eating, the big family started watching TV in the living room. Shen Dongyu didn’t want to cluster up with them, afraid that the conversation would end up pointing fingers at himself. If that happens, then the new year’s night will end in conflict. That has happened before, so he just wanted to avoid it this time. 

Before returning, he went back to hospital to refill his medicine. Alprazolam as a temporary anxiety relief and seroquel as his sleeping pill, capable of putting him to deep sleep soon after taking it.

He went to the living room to get some water. Yu Nuan, perhaps realizing that Shen Dongyu is about to take medicine, called on him. “A’Yu.”

His aunt was watching the drama on TV, and didn’t mind. Perhaps she knew that he had depression, but chose to turn a blind eye, tolerating Yu Nuan’s treatment towards him. 

“Are you still taking the medicine?” Yu Nuan asked.

“The doctor said to take it regularly.” Shen Dongyu lightly felt that this was the calm before the storm.

Yu Nuan pressed the button on the controller, and her face without makeup exposed her real age immediately.

“What are you still unsatisfied about?” Her expression appeared plain, but her temper and personality were at the other extreme. She forcefully asked, “Why don’t you tell me why?”

Shen Dongyu didn’t understand why she is so fixated on this question. Just like the past. Still like this now. 

Shen Dongyu thought, perhaps even after he said it hundreds of times, she still wouldn’t be willing to admit the true reason. 

He held the cup, speaking nothing. Painfully waiting for this night to pass. 

“Say something!” Yu Nuan smacked the controller onto the ground, and the volume in the background drastically increased.

The background music of the TV drama still couldn’t relieve the atmosphere under this context, but instead made it even colder. The other people present were acting like they hadn’t seen anything. The ones watching TV won’t shift their line of sight, the ones chatting won’t step in.

“What do you want to hear me say?” Shen Dongyu asked back with the eyes that were so different from Yu Nuan’s. 

“Others all behave so nicely and normally, why do you and Shen Shuran just have to be different!” Yu Nuan exploded the emotions she had bottled up. She had never been good at hiding her grievances, and even after what happened tonight, there will still be more quarrels tomorrow.

Shen Dongyu’s hands, hanging by his sides, clenched into fists and trembled slightly. He always had to press down his anger and ignore his emotions to communicate with Yu Nuan normally. “What’s so different about us? Aren’t you the cause of this?”

Yu Nuan let out a curse, stood up from the couch, then walked in front of Shen Dongyu and directly raised her hand to slap the left side of his face with no hesitation. Shen Dongyu didn’t try to dodge at all, tolerating the action that Yu Nuan had done countless times. 

“I gave birth to you, how you grow up can only be decided by me.” Yu Nuan pressed her index finger against Shen Dongyu’s forehead hard. “Other kids are never as hard to deal with as you.” 

Shen Dongyu didn’t want to keep fighting with her. All the voices in his mind said that it’s unnecessary. There’s no need to keep talking. Yu Nuan and Shen Jiaying would never understand, and any other people would just be bystanders, watching this happen with cold eyes. 

 

TL: As you can tell by this point, the novel does include discussions of mental health. If you’re sensitive to this kind of topic, please keep that in mind while reading. There also were a lot of mentions of traditional Shanghai desserts and landmarks in this chapter. I have (tried to) include pictures of them below if you’re interested ^^

'I Know You Know I Love You'I Know You Know I Love You Desserts & Landmarks 1Chinese for “older brother”2a traditional glutinous rice dessert shaped into balls and stuffed with fillings3a traditional glutinous rice dessert made with sesame4a drug to treat anxiety and panic disorders5沈东予, different from his actual name 沈冬予. It sounds the same but changes the character “winter” to “east”6Shen Dongyu and Shen Shuran’s father