Heartbeat of Innocence

Advertisement

TW: mentions of suicide

On the second day in Ho Chi Minh City, Shen Dongyu stayed in the residence without going out. He left Chen Jingchuan and Li Muxu to go out by themselves, and even though he thought they’d play to their hearts’ content, the two of them were actually very bored, sitting in a tavern and drinking in broad daylight.

Vietnam also had a lot of tropical fruits, so Chen Jingchuan bought some to bring to the live house for Shen Dongyu. When the performance began, everyone quietly waited for the prelude to start, yet Shen Dongyu sat in his seat, not knowing where to look.

Shen Dongyu’s hands were hidden in his pockets, slightly trembling. His heart also kept constantly tightening, and his breathing slowly accelerated.

He would always feel out of place in crowded places. He would feel down for almost no reason, scared to look at anyone in the eyes, and even afraid of others looking at him.

When Shen Dongyu came here, he arrogantly thought that he would like it, that he wouldn’t be so afraid, and that his illness was being controlled properly. However, reality told him the cruel and harsh truth.

The guitarist had shoulder-length black hair, and the songs of the lead singer had a sweetness and tranquility akin to Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

Shen Dongyu stuffed a piece of fruit into his mouth. He chewed and chewed, hoping that once he finished eating, the performance would be over and then he could quickly go home.

The grapes were a bit sweet and oily. If they were placed at home in Shanghai, he would’ve eaten them quickly. But now it was hard to swallow, and he felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t stand the drumming in his ears, so he took a sip of the cocktail and left while Chen Jingchuan was immersed in the performance.

He stood on the rooftop. The night in Vietnam was rather busy. It was quite windy, and Shen Dongyu finally got to breathe some fresh air, eventually feeling less burn in his stomach and only some exhaustion in his mind. It didn’t feel comfortable with the tiredness.

Pham Ngu Lao was the craze during the night. When looking down from higher up, there were tables and chairs on the sides of the street. Some people even sat in the middle of the street. Among the variety of people, there were street racers, thieves, and many beautiful-looking women. It was different from the rooftop Shen Dongyu was at, which only had people dating and kissing in secret.

Shen Dongyu stood for a while, and just as he wanted to go back, Li Muxu came to find him.

Advertisement

He gave Shen Dongyu a cigarette first, and he lit his own cigarette before handing the lighter to Shen Dongyu.

Li Muxu had seen Shen Dongyu smoking alone in hotel corridors, but seeing that he seemed to hesitate over whether or not to smoke, deliberately asked, “You don’t smoke?”

“It’s not that.” Shen Dongyu shook his head and didn’t think too much. After lighting the cigarette, he skillfully took a puff and held it between his fingers.

“Jingchuan bought the plane ticket back to Beijing for tomorrow afternoon.” Li Muxu flicked the cigarette ash off and said.

“En, he told me.” Shen Dongyu felt that Li Muxu’s mood wasn’t very good, so he tried to keep his voice as low as possible.

For some reason, Li Muxu lowered his head and smiled. He put the hand holding the cigarette against his temple, then turned to face Shen Dongyu and said, “When I first saw you, I thought you were really weird. I even thought you were about to commit suicide by jumping into the river.”

Li Muxu’s words were so straightforward that Shen Dongyu didn’t understand his meaning and quietly waited for his next words.

“It was only a few days ago that I found out you have depression, and then the things that I thought were weird weren’t weird anymore.” Li Muxu spoke very fast, as if he didn’t want to talk too much about Shen Dongyu.

Advertisement

Shen Dongyu could feel that, so he also hoped for him to quickly finish his words and for himself to also know why this person had complaints about him.

“The thing is, if you don’t like something, you don’t have to do it.” Li Muxu no longer smiled. He squinted and took one last puff, and after exhaling the smoke in the wind, he lowered his head and stomped out the sparks. “If you don’t want to come and play, you could directly refuse. You always act like anything’s okay, but when you can’t act, then there’s no point.”

The hand that Shen Dongyu held the cigarette in hung down, and the ashes fell on the concrete floor. He didn’t know what he should say and could only quietly, bit by bit, utter a “en” from his nasal voice as the final word.

“Kid, learn to be more sensible. Don’t waste his hard work and care.” Li Muxu raised a hand to pat his thin shoulders, then left the rooftop.

Shen Dongyu actually didn’t like Li Muxu’s evaluation. He felt that that kind of person not only didn’t understand him, but his actions were also carried out with prejudice.

Shen Dongyu took a deep breath, trying to let out the unhappiness in his heart. Yet, breath after breath, he still felt uncomfortable.

Objectively, Li Muxu was only complaining about his own unhappiness, and Shen Dongyu admitted this guess was most likely true. But he didn’t care, because Li Muxu was not important to him.

Shen Dongyu didn’t go back down again, and neither did he hear Chen Jingchuan’s “Valder Fields”.

On the way back to the residence, it began to heavily rain out of nowhere.

The air was filled with the warm moisture of tropical areas. The rainwater flooded into the sewer next to their feet. The raindrops on the edge of the roofs made the dry clothes hanging outside wet again. The sounds of people complaining started one after another.

Advertisement

Shen Dongyu looked up to see the empty night sky.

Chen Jingchuan looked at his face, which was always indifferent to anyone.

The rainstorm in Ho Chi Minh City was so sudden, and the mood of Shen Dongyu was so down but quiet.

It’d be nice if it changed for once, Chen Jingchuan thought.

The rain in Ho Chi Minh City made them end their vacation and return home early.

Probably due to the temperature difference, Shen Dongyu caught a fever when they returned to the Beijing airport.

Chen Jingchuan was afraid that the dormitory would disturb Shen Dongyu, so he brought him to a hotel near the school. Shen Dongyu was sick, but he didn’t want to go to the hospital or take medicine, only continually sleeping in the room.

Chen Jingchuan could only contact a friend for a private doctor to come and check out his condition.

Shen Dongyu slept in the room for two days, and when he groggily woke up in the morning, he saw Chen Jingchuan’s vague figure sitting by the bedside on a phone call.

Chen Jingchuan would occasionally test his forehead’s temperature, setting up the transfusion for him with a gentle tone and slow movements.

Those shadows in his dream when he was asleep reminded him of the Indian musical ending that one summer afternoon.1From all the way back in Ch7, when he ditched PE to watch the Indian musical with Chen Jingchuan’s class

The hotel’s closed curtains were very good at blocking out light, and only when the wind occasionally blew would a glimmer of light be revealed, passing over Chen Jingchuan’s face.

Shen Dongyu fell back asleep, and when he woke up again, it was already night. There wasn’t anyone in the room, and he had a headache from sleeping. He stumbled up from the bed, picked up the phone placed on the chair to give Chen Jingchuan a call.

The room was stuffy, so what he saw after pulling open the balcony doors was the snowing Beijing city, blanketing everything he could see in a layer of white.

The cold wind poured into the sleeves of the pajamas, making Shen Dongyu feel more awake.

Advertisement

“Where are you?” Shen Dongyu took a step forward, and the snow immediately blew into his face. The cold touch made him back away.

“I just finished class.” Chen Jingchuan packed up his books in the classroom while holding his phone in one hand and asked in a voice as soft as Shen Dongyu’s, “Are you hungry?”

“No.” Shen Dongyu’s stomach was empty, but he didn’t have any urge to eat.

“Then do you still need me to come back?” Chen Jingchuan said.

The nights in Bangkok and Vietnam were both hot. They were crowded everywhere without the painful coldness and snow in the winter. People would not separate in every certain season, because there were only endless summers there.

Vietnam was so hot that it made people agitated, but as soon as the sea breeze gently swept by, everything would be alleviated.

Shen Dongyu didn’t answer this question, saying, “Chen Jingchuan.” It was the first time he called out to Chen Jingchuan like this, and he seemed inadvertently solemn. “I had a dream.”

“What did you dream about?” Chen Jingchuan was willing to idly chat with him.

Shen Dongyu swallowed to relieve the pain in his throat, then stared at the promotional video on the big screen of the shopping mall in front of him, and said with a smile, “I dreamed of celebrating my birthday with my parents when I was a child. Everything in the dream was so real. The cake in the dream was really small, but the candles were very warm.”

“And then?” Chen Jingchuan walked along the road in the school, and Shen Dongyu could hear his breathing, neither light nor heavy. Everything was very real.

“That was it, there wasn’t actually any cake.” Shen Dongyu’s voice sounded a bit regretful.

Cheng Jingchuan felt the slight change in his mood, but wasn’t sure how to comfort him, so he could only passively listen to him moving to another topic.

“Jingchuan.” Shen Dongyu called out to him again, expressing his sincere emotions: “I was actually very happy in Bangkok and Vietnam, and more relaxed.”

But he was a little greedy. He wanted to always stay there.

Even if there were Li Muxu’s comments that sounded light but rather serious, and the milk tea that gave him a stomach ache, there also were Chen Jingchuan’s innumerable gentleness and connection with him.

After they ended the call, Shen Dongyu entered the bathroom for a shower. When he came out, the phone that he had placed by the sink was vibrating. It was Chen Jingchuan.

“Open the door.” It wasn’t enough for Chen Jingchuan to say it over the phone, he even rang the doorbell.

“Oh, coming.” Shen Dongyu calmly put down the phone, put on a bathrobe, and went to open the door for Chen Jingchuan.

“You showered?” Chen Jingchuan walked in, saw that his hair was still wet and dripping water, stretched out his palm to cover Shen Dongyu’s forehead, and felt it for a while before saying, “You still have a low fever, try not to shower these days.”

“Okay.” Shen Dongyu nodded slightly.

“Go blow-dry your hair, then take some medicine after that.” Chen Jingchuan instructed on what he should do next.

Shen Dongyu had no objections and very cooperatively followed what Chen Jingchuan said.

He had to take a lot of medicines, so the doctor advised him to avoid taking those and his antidepressants at the same time. But Shen Dongyu thought it was so troublesome that he simply stopped taking antidepressants, so there were still signs of relapse today.

But Chen Jingchuan didn’t know that he had stopped.

At noon on their second day in Beijing, Chen Jingchuan first bought Chen Jingchuan’s plane tickets back to Shanghai online, then asked the school for leave to go to the hotel for dinner with Shen Dongyu.

Under the sun after a heavy snowfall, they strolled through the old alleys with a cup of hot drink in their hands.

There were small pebbles under their feet. Their dark shadows slid across the brick path.

Neither of them spoke, and just like that, they reached the alley exit and waved for a taxi back to the hotel to pick up the luggage before going to the airport.

It wasn’t until Shen Dongyu was about to check in that Chen Jingchuan realized the reason he didn’t talk.

“Are you unwilling to part with Beijing or unwilling to part with me?” Looking at his increasingly disheartened face, Chen Jingchuan couldn’t help laughing.

“Probably both.” Shen Dongyu’s thoughts were seen through, so he tried to cover it up by looking anywhere but Chen Jingchuan, but that only made it more obvious.

“If you have time after the New Year, you can come back.” Chen Jingchuan comforted him, but inadvertently revealed information that Shen Dongyu was sensitive to.

Shen Dongyu opened his mouth slightly in surprise, his tone seeming urgent, “You’re not coming back to Shanghai for New Year’s?”

“Not coming back.” Chen Jingchuan said.

“But wh…” Shen Dongyu wanted to ask, but there wasn’t any use in finding out the reason, so he disparagingly said, “Forget it.”

Chen Jingchuan didn’t understand Shen Dongyu’s hesitation to speak. Seeing time fly by, he didn’t waste time asking. He opened his arms, and said to Shen Dongyu, “Let’s hug again.”

Shen Dongyu looked at Chen Jingchuan’s embrace, then let go of the suitcase. Amidst the sound of the airport broadcast, he slowly walked towards Chen Jingchuan, then closed his eyes and pressed his chin to Chen Jingchuan’s collar, like a warm snuggle. Shen Dongyu thought he didn’t lean in that close, but he still heard Chen Jingchuan’s heartbeats.

Chen Jingchuan comfortingly patted Shen Dongyu’s back a few times, his voice still as gentle as Shen Dongyu had heard: “Don’t hurt yourself anymore. If you want to come to Beijing, just give me a call. I’ll go pick you up.”

Shen Dongyu nodded, and with this movement his hair rubbed against Chen Jingchuan’s chin.

“Okay.” Shen Dongyu said.

 

1From all the way back in Ch7, when he ditched PE to watch the Indian musical with Chen Jingchuan’s class