Thousand Autumns

—SHEN QIAO WAS IN A DAZE. Though he had a mind like that of an arrow readied on a bow, always alert and ready to wake, his eyelids were shut tight. No matter what he did, they wouldn’t open.

And then to have a strange and sudden warmth spread up from his lips. It was like that of something invading and wreaking havoc upon him. He struggled for some time, making a soft groan as he did, before finally opening his eyes with great effort.

The fire had been burning for almost the entire night, and its light had gradually weakened. He was being held close in the arms of someone else, only separated from the warmth of the other person’s body by a layer of clothing. It was the sort of warmth that would have settled into someone’s bones and emit a sort of indolence from them, leaving them wanting to sink even deeper into sleep, and never wanting to wake.

Shen Qiao suddenly felt as though he were out of breath. However, this pressure was not from his wounded chest, but rather from his mouth and nose.

“To think that the great zhangjiao of Xuandu Mountain can’t even inhale and exhale right. If anyone found out about such a thing, then they’d probably laugh themselves to death, wouldn’t they?” He could make out his teasing voice, which sounded as though it were both far away and close by at the same time. But the truth was that it was just by his ear, and that their faces were very close. The other man had pulled his tongue from Shen Qiao’s parted lips before slowly kissing him once more. Only then did he finally draw back somewhat and pinch both of Shen Qiao’s cheeks. “Surprised?”

Shen Qiao finally came to from his muddled state. He immediately struck Yan Wushi, who shouted an aiyah! and pulled away. “Ah-qiao, it’s me, Xie Ling!”

Shen Qiao stopped and stared at him, frowning.

Yan Wushi once more held him close, speaking in a gentle voice: “It’s me, Xie Ling. You don’t recognize me?”

Shen Qiao did not say a word. Instead, he raised his hand once more and struck him again.

Yan Wushi was quick to react. He caught Shen Qiao’s arm and said, astonished: “You’d even hit Xie Ling when you’re in a daze from sleeping?”

Shen Qiao was hardly in a mood to talk: “Why would Xie Ling call me ‘Ah-qiao’?!”

Yan Wushi burst into laughter. “That’s right, I forgot. He calls you meiren-gege. But you know, I couldn’t get myself to say it! I didn’t think that, with your good looks, you’d take advantage of me for so long. Every time you heard Xie Ling call out to you, you never let it show on your face, but deep down, you were incredibly happy, weren’t you?”

Shen Qiao turned around, refusing to face him: “Stop talking![49]”

Yan Wushi kissed his cheek. He took advantage of the fact that the other man had yet to react and stopped before provoking him any further, instead making sure there was three chi of distance between them.

Shen Qiao wanted to stand. But because of his internal injury, he could only cough while holding his chest, allowing the pain to slowly pass over him.

He could only shout angrily between coughs, “It’s this time of night, and you’re—still acting like this—!”

Yan Wushi couldn’t help but break into laughter: “Ah-qiao, you’re just too cute! You can’t even curse people right! What do you mean, acting—like—this—? Here, I’ll teach you: this is what they mean when they say, lust is born from warming up and eating well.”

The face of this beautiful man had turned red from both anger and his coughing fit. He had coughed so much that there were tears in his eyes, blurring his vision. With the fire’s soft brilliance spreading over them and his desire unfulfilled, Yan Wushi could not take his gaze from Shen Qiao’s heaven-made beauty. A shame that he could only look and not feast.

After realizing that Yan Wushi had purposely teased him so as to make him angry simply for his own enjoyment, Shen Qiao gradually calmed down: “If you anger me again, my wound won’t be able to heal over fully. If someone were to attempt to kill us, I may not be able to protect you.”

Yan Wushi laughed. “That’s not a problem. I have my own plan around that.”

Shen Qiao was not convinced. “What sort of plan?”

“Last time, didn’t you dress me up in women’s clothing? That was quite smart. This time, why don’t we both dress up like women, rent a carriage, and pretend we’re going to Hanzhong to live with our relatives. That way, we’d practically be able to cross even the sea with just a trick.”

Shen Qiao heard this, and knew at once that he was trying to get even for last time.

Though he had been unwell before, the person who had to dress up had been ‘Xie Ling’. But they shared the same body, so Yan Wushi absolutely couldn’t have been unaware.

Shen Qiao blinked. He completely avoided touching upon the subject any further and asked, “How are you feeling?”

“Are you asking me, or are you asking how Xie Ling is feeling?” Yan Wushi asked.

Shen Qiao was silent for a moment. He responded with a soft en.

He suddenly remembered the dream he had before. The first half had been about his shizun. Most likely it was because his chest was wounded that he had dreamt his shizun had placed the rock on top of him. It was a strange and ridiculous dream. But the truth was that, perhaps it was because he had, deep down, missed his shizun so intensely that he had dreamed this. Before, on Xuandu Mountain, their wugong studies were truly arduous. But their shizun had sheltered them from human cruelty like that of a great tree. By the time that he had experienced the difficulties that he did, he remembered those bygone years, and deeply missed them. Back then, shizun was still with them; he and his shixiongdi were as close as brothers and loved one another greatly. They did not think of anything else except for studying wugong, truly free from all worries. They were hardly burdened with anything.

As for the second half of the dream, it was only flashes of people he had seen in the latter half of his life. A blur of people appeared, one after the other. The last person that had caused him to wake up, and the only one that he could remember seeing, was Xie Ling.

Like this, Yan Wushi asked: “Ah-qiao, do you wish that Xie Ling were still here? Or that he hadn’t been here?”

'Xie Ling’ was the disposition born from the fragments of Yan Wushi’s qi deviation. Any moment that he existed naturally meant that Yan Wushi had yet to fully recover.

Seeing that Shen Qiao did not know how to answer, Yan Wushi smiled somewhat. “If it’s the former, then I’ll have to disappoint you. Though I have yet to heal the flaw in my demonic core, I have already suppressed the significant changes to my disposition that occurred as a result of my qi deviation. From now on, Xie Ling will never again exist in this world.”

Shen Qiao was faintly taken aback. He did not speak, but his eyes slowly betrayed a sense of sadness from within them.

He wrapped his outer robe around himself more closely, wearing a blank look. He looked so lonely and desolate, so pitiful and lovable.

However, Yan Wushi knew very well that, underneath this seemingly weak and delicate appearance, was the unyielding strength of a man who would not yield to any circumstance, be it harsh winds or rain.

Had it been before, malice would have surfaced from his heart. He would have attempted to find a way to wear him away, layer by layer, so as to see the soft flesh within him, to see whether or not he can experience what it meant to be destroyed, and if he could remain the same as he did before.

But now, a faint, strange sensation had welled up within his heart.

Though he had smothered ‘Xie Ling’, was a trace of him still left, unwilling to leave?

Yan Wushi smiled mirthlessly to himself. What good is that? The Shen Qiao that you love so much will forget you sooner or later. And you will never again be able to approach him.

Shen Qiao did not know what it was he thought. After some time, he sighed, lightly, and only said: “I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep again.”

He laid down weakly and wearily, as if struck with illness. His outer robe was especially thin. Because he was unwell, he felt rather cold and could not help but tuck his body in closely. Yan Wushi watched him from behind, unable to make out his expression.

Yan Wushi approached him. The other man did not react.

He extended one hand to touch him. Though Shen Qiao had brushed him off, the tips of Yan Wushi’s fingers had touched something moist.

“You’re crying?” Yan Wushi said, as if it were a completely unfathomable thing. “You’re crying, just like that? Xie Ling is but the fragment of a soul. You couldn’t even call him a person.”

Shen Qiao responded, crestfallen: “Perhaps to you, he is nothing more but the fragment of a soul. But to me, he was someone that had once existed.”

Yan Wushi sneered. “Is it simply because he returned to search for you in the underground city?”

Shen Qiao did not take notice of him.

To Yan Wushi, amongst all of his dispositions, only Xie Ling was the weakest and easiest to take advantage of. It was the disposition most unlike him. Who would have imagined that it would be the one that Shen Qiao would like the most?

Upon thinking of this, his face revealed a displeased expression: “With how weak you are, how could you ever talk about becoming my opponent in the future, or even having a match with me? If you keep thinking like this, you’ll most likely never reach the peak of wu dao.”

A long silence followed after. Shen Qiao suddenly said: “What does Yan-zongzhu believe to be the peak of wu dao? Would it be that of my shizun, Qi Fengge? Or Cui Youwang? Or even Tao Hongjin?”

Every time that he called out Xie Ling, his voice was filled with such tender affection. And now, as they faced each other, completely within reach, he called him Yan-zongzhu in a voice that lacked any feeling at all.

Yan Wushi repressed the unpleasant sensation within him, and responded, coldly: “Their wugong was certainly masterful. But it could not be considered the peak of wu dao.”

If someone ordinary were to say something like this, one would think that they had overestimated their own abilities. But before Yan Wushi experienced a qi deviation, he did indeed have the qualifications to say such a thing, despite the fact that there was a discrepancy between his wugong and the three other men.

“That’s right,” Shen Qiao said. “Wu dao is a path that never ends. So what can be considered the peak? Though this poor daoist lacks talent, I know that there is no correlation between a soft-hearted disposition and wugong. You, Yan-zongzhu, have your own path—and I have my own. Do not do to others what you would not have done to you. I am mourning an old friend who is no longer here; what does this have to do with you? I must ask that you conduct yourself with some dignity.”

He had known him for a number of days, and met him sparsely. He did not even know why Xie Ling was named Xie Ling; and yet he called him an old and departed friend?

Yan Wushi laughed bitterly in his mind. Yet his expression was as cold as frost. He continued in a tender voice: “All right, all right. There’s only the two of us here, and we are relying on one another to live. We were only having a chat. What are you getting so angry for?”

Shen Qiao’s response to this was to pull his outer robe over himself so as to cover his head, to express that he declined to discuss anything with him any longer.

Yan Wushi: “...”

The night passed without a word between them.

The day after, Shen Qiao woke early. By the time he had come to, Yan Wushi had already come back washing his face by the stream. Upon meeting Shen Qiao’s eyes, he said while smiling: “Ah-qiao, lend me your Shanhe Tongbei sword.”

His expression was warm and gentle, while his mood seemed good. It was as though he didn’t even wear that unpleasant mood he had last night.

Shen Qiao responded, guardedly: “I got a stomach ache after eating yesterday. You didn’t shave the birds’ feathers well enough.”

Yan Wushi responded: “Oh? That’s because I realized that it was better to pluck the bird feathers by hand. This time I won’t use your sword to shave bird feathers.”

Shen Qiao was still concerned. “What are you going hunting for? Why not let me do it instead?”

The moment he stood, a dull pain throbbed throughout his ribs.

Yan Wushi watched as he frowned. He said, gently: “You were wounded because of me. I’ll go. In any case, I’m not taking your sword to shave any birds’ feathers.”

Shen Qiao did not believe that within the short span of a night, Yan-zongzhu would suddenly possess a heart filled with gratitude. But because his wugong had experienced such a setback, it would be better for him to carry a sword on his person, just in case if he did run into any danger. At the very least, he would not lack the capability to strike back. After much thinking, he decided to hand the sword over to him.

Yan Wushi took the sword and headed out. Before leaving, he was considerate enough to roll up some leaves to bring water to Shen Qiao to wash his face.

It was only the beginning of spring. The cool water against his cheeks cleared his mind at once. The effects of the yu congrong fruits were truly extraordinary. Although his chest wound had yet to completely heal, he felt that it had improved quite a bit after waking up. Even the pain that had come with breathing had eased up somewhat.

He sat cross-legged to circulate his qi and heal his wounds. After quite some time, Yan Wushi finally returned.

“You left the mountain?” Shen Qiao asked, astonished.

“I didn’t,” Yan Wushi said, “I just walked around to see what the situation was like for a bit. If nothing out of the ordinary happens, I think that we should be able to leave the mountain by this evening.”

Shen Qiao nodded. He noticed that he carried a long tree branch that acted as a skewer for two fish. He then asked: “How did you get those two large fish.”

“There’s a lot of rain in the spring. Of course the fish are more delicious.”

Shen Qiao suddenly experienced a somewhat foreboding feeling rise up within him. “How did you gut and scale them?”

Yan Wushi didn’t even raise his head. “I used the sword, naturally.”

“I did not give you the Shanhe Tongbei sword so that you could scale fish with it!” Shen Qiao shouted furiously.

Yan Wushi sighed.

“Ah-qiao, you really didn’t reason anything out. You said that I couldn’t use it to shave bird feathers, and I promised you that I wouldn’t. But now, here you are saying that I can’t use it to scale fish. In any case, aren’t you getting half of these fish anyway? Or are you saying that, now that your sword smells like fish, you won’t be able to use jianxin on your opponents any longer?”

He wore an expression that said,  “You’ve gone and deliberately made trouble. You’re lucky that I’m lenient and forgiving towards you.” Shen Qiao was so angry that he nearly picked up a nearby rock and flung it at him.