The Hated Male Concubine

#151

So Jeong wanted to kill Yeonbin to comfort Yeocheong’s soul, but it had already gone wrong. He knew it was a lost cause, but if Yeonbin truly had changed and it was not a lie. If the personality that had caused him so much trouble and made him hesitate so many times in the short time he had spent in Jeongan Palace was true. The only thing he could do was desperately hope that Yeonbin would do what he could do for the poor Yeocheong’s soul.

The wind blew through the closed window. Tears streamed down Hwawoon’s cheeks, who had been silently listening to So Jeong until then, and he hurriedly lifted his sleeve to wipe them away. He didn’t think it was right for him to cry in front of So Jeong at this moment.

While his consciousness came in and out after he fell into the water, Hwawoon saw many things. Sometimes he saw the emperor’s gentle face looking at him with a smile, and other times he saw Yeon Hwawoon being angry and letting out bitter, bloody tears. Sometimes the emperor would stand in the light and tell him that whoever you are, I love you, and sometimes he would stand in the middle of the darkness and angrily turn away, saying how dare you deceive me like this. Ahjin said she would be with him no matter what, and Seocheon asked if he was really Hawoon, and why he didn’t tell him the truth.

And when he finally woke up. When he saw the sleeping face of the Emperor, who had been by his side, looking like he hadn’t eaten or slept properly. That was when Hwawoon realized.

That he couldn’t escape it. That he would never be able to escape this guilt. At that moment, Hwawoon realized that the day would never come when he would be able to take his happiness as Yeon Hwawoon for granted.

Perhaps he had already known that long ago. He knew, but he turned a blind eye. He pretended not to know. He was busy running away, pretending he didn’t know what to do.

The truth was, he didn’t want to lose it. He wanted to face the Emperor’s face, to feel his warmth, just a little longer. He felt sad to throw away this opportunity that he had traveled so far to get, that he would never get again, even if he died. That was why Hwawoon persisted, even as he fought the relenting nightmares.

Alas, the time was due. He couldn’t hold out any longer. If only the Emperor hadn’t given him his heart. If only he hadn’t known about the emotion named love. Then he could have stayed a little more brazen. However, he couldn’t pretend to be ignorant when he held the most precious thing in the world, the Emperor’s heart, in his arms.

Even if it meant abandonment. Even if it meant losing everything he had now.

For the sole reason that he loved that person, Hwawoon only wanted to be true to him.

Hwawoon knew it was time to wake up from his vain dreams. The man before him would be the means for him to use the power he had gained by possessing someone else’s body for the right reasons one last time.

After a long moment of silence, Hwawoon spoke.

“Although it was my mistake to fall into the pond.”

So Jeong’s shoulders visibly trembled. Seocheon looked at Hwawoon with wide eyes as well. Unperturbed, Hwawoon continued.

“Since you, So Jeong, have failed to fulfill your duties as the head eunuch to serve your master, you are to be dismissed from Jeongan Palace. However, since you have done your best in the short time you have been here, I will not punish you further.”

“Your- Your Highness…!”

Surprised, Seocheon urgently called out to Hwawoon, but Hwawoon raised his hand to stop him. So Jeong looked up in confusion, and Hwawoon locked eyes with him and continued.

“As you said, I don’t remember that girl. Even if I did, what difference would it make? It wouldn’t bring her back to life…”

“…”

“I’m only doing what I can do now. I will issue an order to find her body to put her to rest in peace right away. When I find it, I will make the most precious burial I can.”

“Hic… Hic……”

Eventually, So Jeong couldn’t hold it in and burst into tears. It had been a cold winter. Thinking about how Yeocheong’s soul must have wandered the cold roads during that long winter, So Jeong had to feel such terrible pain that he would have rather endured having his entire body torn apart. Thus, So Jeong wavered, unable to decide whether he should be thankful or anything to Yeonbin, to the person in front of him who had started all this pain.

“Instead, you shall live. Don’t give more pain to that girl, who was probably hoping you’ll make a good life for yourself, by saying you’ll follow her.”

Hwawoon could have just died as Hawoon. But if someone killed someone for him, or decided to die for him, he would have grieved until his soul faded and disappeared. Besides, in So Jeong’s case, weren’t they lovers? Hwawoon was sure that Yeocheong would not want So Jeong to waste his life so futilely. Looking at So Jeong, who was now prostrating on the ground and unable to stop crying aloud, Hwawoon finished his sentence as calmly as he could.

“I take it that you understand me… You may go now.”

After speaking, Hwawoon took a deep breath. His mind was tired and overwhelmed, but the work he had to put into the closure was just beginning.

***

“Your Majesty.”

Eunuch Oh’s call brought Yihan to his senses like a man suddenly awakened from sleep. He blinked a few times, then looked down to see his hand hovering in midair instead of stamping down the Imperial Seal. Yihan had been like this all morning.

Yihan couldn’t get the image of Yeon Hwawoon, somewhat looking foreign, that he had seen earlier in the day out of his head. He seemed to disappear like a mist if he were to reach out to hold him. Yihan couldn’t concentrate on anything because the image of Yeon Hwawoon, which seemed so far away, like he was somewhere beyond a far distance away, kept coming back to his mind. Yihan, who had never been so distracted in his life, tried and tried to keep his mind clear, but without realizing it, he found himself sinking deeper and deeper into the anxiety caused by Yeon Hwawoon.

“Why don’t you take a short break, Your Majesty?”

Eunuch Oh, who couldn’t watch it any longer, cautiously advised the Emperor. No matter how he looked at it, the Emperor currently seemed unable to devote himself fully to state affairs. Even Eunuch Oh found the Emperor’s demeanor, which he had never seen before, was extremely unfamiliar. At times like this, he couldn’t easily decide whether to suggest a walk to distract him, or to take him to Seojeong Palace to untangle the knots in his mind.

Yihan was not Eunuch Oh’s first master, but at the same time, the Emperor Sung Yihan was the first for Eunuch Oh. Just as the Imperial Palace was a place where everyone was faced with fierce choices at every turn, Eunuch Oh was learning the hard way what would be best for the Emperor at every turn.

Yihan put down the Imperial Seal he was holding and lowered his head, covering his face with his hands. When he finally admitted his feelings for Yeon Hwawoon, he thought it would be the end of all his troubles. He was the emperor, and no one could dare deny the Emperor’s heart. Yihan thought that all he had to do was admit to himself the feelings he had always denied, and he would be able to share the warm spring days with Yeon Hwawoon.

But what was with all of this? What did these feelings mean? He wondered if being in love meant to have to fight these anxious, nervous, and fearful feelings every moment. Yihan found everything so painful and difficult.

“What’s good about it?”

Yihan, who had been burying his face, suddenly blurted out. His voice was fragile, and Eunuch Oh, sensing that he just wanted to complain, didn’t answer. Yihan continued.

“What was all the fuss about love?”

“…”

“It just makes me restless because of a bunch of little things, makes me anxious, and distracts me from my work.”

The slightest expression on Yeon Hwawoon’s face made his heart crumble, and the words he muttered in his confused state of mind made his heart ache like it was going to be torn apart.

“As expected, I was not wrong even about one thing.”

For the Emperor, love was unnecessary. He shouldn’t have it. It only distracted him from taking care of the nation. It was a judgment based on experience.

“…”

The Emperor sighed while Eunuch Oh kept his silence.

He knew it, and yet it was too late to escape. Even at this moment of discontent, all he wanted to do was face Yeon Hwawoon, to look into his good, clear eyes.

Love really wasn’t any good, not one bit.

***

With So Jeong gone, Hwawoon was now alone with Seocheon. Sitting on his knees, Seocheon’s expression was hard to read. It was Hwawoon who spoke first, barely able to push down his turbulent mind.

“Thanks to you… I stayed alive. No amount of compensation can repay you for my life, but if there’s anything you want, say it.”

His voice trembled at the end, making no use of his effort to control it. It was hard for Hwawoon to hold it together as his long-worn feelings kept trying to come out.

Hwawoon wanted to tell Seocheon that he was actually Hawoon. That he was the one who shared a friendship with him even for a short time. It was hard to resist the urge to tell him the truth he had been so desperate to keep hidden and to cry out his heart.