The Hated Male Concubine

#133 

“… Sorry?”

“Isn’t this color similar to your hair? So I picked this, not any other color, by myself.”

Hwawoon blinked, taken aback by Yihan’s unexpected remarks. Yihan’s face was flushed, but he continued to speak without avoiding Hwawoon’s gaze.

“You asked me what my favorite color is.”

“Oh…”

Only then did Hwawoon realize what the emperor was saying. Hwawoon clearly had asked that. Asking if Yihan had a favorite color. The emperor was telling him the answer that he couldn’t give back then, the answer that Hwawoon said he would be waiting for. His heart jumped like it was going to explode as he recognized the color. 

“Since then, I’ve always been drawn to red color. I don’t know if I had always liked it.”

He had never really paid attention to anything like color before. Therefore, Yihan had no way to find out if this was a realization of what he originally liked, or if he just came to like it. The only thing that was certain was that he now had a color that was special in his mind and captured his eyes.

“But now, if I were to choose between the same things, I’d choose red, and if I happen to see it by chance, I’ll give it a second glance, so it’s safe to call it my favorite color. ”

“… That’s right, Your Majesty. Thank you for remembering it and letting me know.”

Feeling his fingers strangely numb, Hwawoon clenched his fists, which were hidden in his sleeves. He liked blue, and the emperor liked red. It made him think that the combination was a good match for some reason.

In the meantime, Yihan continued as if he still had something to say. 

“Woon-ah.”

The nickname, which Hwawoon was still unable to get used to, crashed into his heart. Hwawoon couldn’t bring himself to answer and only gulped his saliva. Yihan’s eyes, looking at Hwawoon, had sunk deep. 

“It’s thanks to you.”

“Your Majesty, that is—”

“No. Listen to me through. Because you asked me. Because you were curious about my favorite color. So, for the first time, I thought about ‘me’ instead of the emperor.”

“…”

“You have no idea what this means.”

It was nothing short of finding and saving a life that had been erased. When Yihan didn’t know what he had lost and didn’t even realize he needed to look for it, it was Yeon Hwawoon who cleared away the piles of dirt and stones and found ‘Sung Yihan,’ not the Emperor. It was only possible because it was Yeon Hwawoon. If it had been someone else’s question, he wouldn’t have looked back on himself so seriously. 

“I have tried so many times to push you away. I lied to myself so many times, pretending that what I felt for you was nothing. I blamed you and I blamed myself. I fought so hard to escape you.”

He recalled countless nights of confusion. He ran and ran to escape the fog surrounding him. However, when he thought he had finally found the way out, he ended up being in front of Yeon Hwawoon again. It just kept happening.

“And yet, I couldn’t help myself.”

His voice trembled. It sounded like a wail.  The majesty emperor, the supreme ruler, was shaking and vulnerable like this in front of a man. 

Even if he recalled countless painful memories over and over again. Even if he visited the tormented Empress Dowager at night and scourged himself for her misfortune, claiming it as his own. 

“No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t resist. I can’t even pretend I don’t notice it anymore.” 

Yihan embraced Hwawoon last night, and he remembered the feeling of overwhelming happiness like he was finally where he was supposed to be. He had traveled a long way to get here. Yihan now decided to stop running away.

“Your Majesty, Your Majesty…”

In desperation, Hwawoon called Yihan. He thought he had to stop Yihan from talking. A loud, thunderous alarm seemed to blare in his ears. Fear surged in like a tidal wave. Hwawoon thought he shouldn’t have heard this. But Yihan, who was smiling slowly with a tearful face, said without stopping.

“Yeon Hwawoon. Woon-ah. You, I think… I sincerely…”

But the reason Hwawoon couldn’t do anything. The reason he couldn’t run away from the spot or stop Yihan’s words. It was likely because his hope for that one word was stronger than his fear. A tear trickled down Hwawoon’s cheek. The emperor’s hand wrapped Hwawoon’s wet cheek, and soon Yihan let out the words that he had endured so far.

“I must be loving you.”

“Oh…”

“Not the emperor, but me. Sung Yihan. I’m really in love with you.”

A heart-rending, agonizing pleasure filled Hwawoon’s entire body. It hurt, but he liked it. It was frightening, but he was happy. It was sorrowful, but he cherished it.

Hwawoon closed his eyes while facing Yihan, who was slowly approaching him. Even if the heat that penetrated his lips would tear his whole body apart, Hwawoon liked this moment.

***

In the dream, Hwawoon was under the sunlight, sitting on a swing in the garden. The wind, neither hot nor cold, swept his hair pleasantly. He couldn’t help but hum. Everything in the world looked so beautiful that it made him think that if there was a paradise, this would be it.

He felt perfectly at ease. The feeling of guilt or something that had plagued Hwawoon for a long time had disappeared. Hwawoon felt like he had lived as Yeon Hwawoon for a very long time. 

Sometimes, the courtiers of Jeongan Palace would walk through the garden. Strangely, their faces looked blurry, but Hwawoon could feel that they were all those who had been with him for a long time in Jeongan Palace. They were Hwawoon’s people who didn’t feel uncomfortable or afraid to meet him.

He didn’t have a single worry in his mind. There was no difficulty. There was nothing to worry about all night, feelings to avoid, nothing. At this moment, all that was in Hwawoon’s mind was anticipation and excitement for the upcoming moments. 

The sun was warm, and he held out his hand. He had already felt familiar with the beautiful white hands as if he were born with them. It wasn’t only with his hands. The fine and beautiful face, the thin and fragile body, and the weak constitution. Hwawoon was already used to those.

“Here comes His Majesty the Emperor.”

Just then, he heard a delightful sound. Only then did Hwawoon realize that he was sitting there waiting for that loud noise. The emperor said he would come in the evening, but Hwawoon had been waiting for him since broad daylight when the sun was high in the sky, and the emperor also came to Jeongan Palace when it was still long before sunset. Hwawoon slowly came down from the swing and stood up. The emperor was already right in front of him. 

“Greetings, Your Majesty.”

When he got down on his knees and gave his greeting, the emperor held out his hands and grabbed Hwawoon’s shoulders naturally. It was the will of the emperor that he never wanted Hwawoon to kneel on the cold ground.

“I’ve told you many times not to kneel down. You are really the only one who ignores the emperor’s order like this.”

The emperor’s voice, which was like the sunshine on a spring day, as gentle as the wind of autumn, came out. The love so evident showered Hwawoon that he couldn’t help but to recognize it even though he had lived without knowing what love was.

They made eye contact and smiles spread on their faces. If it weren’t for the courtiers who were still around them, they would have kissed. 

“Let’s go in.” 

Said the emperor, leading Hwawoon with a careful gesture, and Hwawoon naturally walked side by side with the emperor. It was no longer special here in Jeongan Palace to see their fingers intertwining.

It was such a perfectly normal moment. One of many days that couldn’t even be named.

***

“Gasp…!”

Hwawoon opened his eyes as he took a violent breath. Blinking quickly, he could see the ceiling pattern of Seojeong Palace, which was still unfamiliar to him, and his sense of reality returned. As the scenes of the dream slowly came back to his mind, his heart naturally became stuffy. It was a funny thing. Hwawoon’s dream was so peaceful and beautiful. It was a dream that everyone would probably wish for, but Hwawoon was breathing hard like a person who had a nightmare. 

At that time, a large hand came up swiftly and swept the messy hair off Hwawoon’s forehead. Yihan, who had risen himself, was looking down at Hwawoon with a worried expression. 

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“No. I didn’t, Your Majesty.”

“But how can you be so pale?”

“… It’s really fine. Did I wake you up?”

Hwawoon, who had only calmed down somewhat after hearing Yihan’s affectionate voice, pulled the blanket up to his neck and averted his gaze. Yihan burst into laughter at the obvious behavior. He thought that Hwawoon was so amazing. He made him worried as soon as he woke up, but now he was making his heart throb again.