Shanghai Jiamu

To Xu Jiamu

I hope this letter finds you in good health.

I have now settled in Hangzhou. Although I have walked through this city a thousand times in my mind, when I really arrived, I realized that you are right. It is a city that will make people feel more relaxed.

I seldom contacted you after graduating from high school. The last time was when you sent me the invitation card. I wanted to apologize to you on WeChat that I may not be able to be there due to work reasons. But after counting the days, I found that there is still some time left, so I thought about it, decided to write a letter to show my sincerity.

I have always regarded you as a confidant since I met you in my second year of middle school. I don’t know if you know, but the first time I met you was not in that English class, but in that same morning when I was late for class and you were playing basketball in the court. I was really surprised at the time. How did someone actually dare to sneak out to play basketball during class. I can’t remember the details since it has been a long time but I just remember that it was a rare bright spring day.

I am most grateful to you on the day we first talked on the phone. You are an enthusiastic person, and you have done a lot of good deeds, so no matter how unintentional your actions were that day, I still want to say thank you seriously. You said you believed that I would get rid of the influence of my family and become a good person. I don’t know if I succeeded, but fortunately I didn’t fail.

And on that New Year, it was a coincidence. I took a video of the fireworks at home that day. I wanted to share it with you but I received your blessing first. Unfortunately, the video you sent me that day only exists in the old mobile phone I had at that time. I couldn’t even turn it on the last time I was at home. I’ll sent it to the repair shop when I have time, I hope it still works. I still remember that in the video you were wearing a black down jacket and you were smiling stupidly. Apart from feeling happy, I was also a little worried about what would happen if those sparklers set your clothes on fire, alas, I seem to be stupid at the time too.

Xu Jiamu, the two fairy sticks in your hand that year were better than the thousands of fireworks I watched later.

At that time, I hated that I was too young. I also blamed you, always talking about how I’m “still young”. In fact, you are not that old. You are only three years older than me. Actually, if we had met when we were a little older, that age difference is quite appropriate, but I was really naive at the time. I thought that age was the only problem, that if twenty-seven and thirty-year-olds can be together so can seventeen and twenty-year-olds.

One more thing, that link I sent at that time should be one of the reasons why you and I gradually grew estranged. It was a bit of a blow, as you know, I am a timid and thin-skinned person, I’m sorry for scaring you, I hope you can be more magnanimous about it.

Did you think my first year of high school was the last time we met? It wasn’t, Xu Jiamu, I went to see you secretly. That was a bold move that exhausted all my courage. Right at the gate of your university, I looked at you walking out of your university with that girl. Seeing everything is fine with you, I thought that was good too.

I am writing this letter for no purpose other than to put an end to my youth. Xu Jiamu, I thank you, thank you for being with me for many years, thank you for making me feel like I was someone special during that time of my life. And I don’t blame you for your silent refusal.

It’s just that Xu Jiamu, you once shared a quote from Henry Zhang’s song- “I didn’t hurt spring, sorrow, autumn for you, I don’t deserve to have regrets” (I haven’t been sad over you so I don’t deserved to feel bad.)

But thinking of how many times have I been sad for you, let me have a little regret.

Finally, I wish you a happy wedding and a hundred years of marriage.

Sincerely, your friend Jing Wei

–

“Jing Wei, are you writing a letter?” My roommate asked in surprise when she came out of the bathroom, “I don’t see many people writing letters these days.”

I responded with a wordless smile. The second I closed the cap, I felt like something was pulled out of my body. It was an astringent feeling, but I also felt an indescribable ease.

“Do you want to send it out? I’m going to the hospital; I can drop you off at the post office.”

I stared blankly at the envelope in my hand, do I want to send it out? There is a desire in my heart that wanted me to send it, not for anything else but to get some kind of a reply to all those years. But after hesitating for a moment, I made the decision not to.

“Thank you, don’t worry, I’m just writing it for fun, no one reads letters these days.”

I put myself in their shoes, if I were Xu Jiamu or the bride, I would not be happy to receive such a letter. I can’t always cause trouble to others for my own selfishness.

I opened the drawer and put the letter at the bottom of the pile of documents. I opened my WeChat and sent the edited message to the person who I put in my contact as “Senior Xu”.

“Sister-in-law is so beautiful! The cp I shipped had finally came true~ Sorry, I couldn’t make it because I need to be at the hospital that day. Congratulations to the senior for getting your beauty. Happy wedding!”

……..

Every trace of my entire youth is engraved with the same name. When I see the trees on the street and the clouds on the horizon, I will subconsciously think of him. I remember the bubble tea he ordered for me. I remember the fairy sticks he lit up for me. Those memories once supported me through a period of time, and made me think that I was someone special for him. When I was young, I often wondered, is it possible? Even if it is a one in ten thousand chance, what if I am the heroine in his story. I have said goodbye to him countless times, on the phone, on WeChat, face to face, every time without pressure, because I know I will see him again.

But this time is different, Xu Jiamu, this time I really have to say goodbye to you.

Goodbye, Xu Jiamu.  

——End——