Shanghai Jiamu

Later, I studied diligently. It was very tiring but there was a little sweetness in the effort, like eating the candy that my mother hid when I was a child. When I performed well, I would give it a lick and take a small bite thinking, ah, today is also a good day. When I was very tired, I would chat a few words with Xu Jiamu. I would look at the sentence he sent, “I’ll wait for you in Shanghai”, and my exhaustion seemed to disappear in an instant.

Oh, when did things start to change. It seems to be the most ordinary weekend. As usual, I couldn’t wait to share this week’s life with Xu Jiamu. I want to say that a fierce and fat big orange cat slipped into the school. I want to say that after six o’clock, the school’s garden looked so beautiful. I want to say tell him about the interesting book I read this week. I want him to spell out a sentence from the pile of nonsense I rambled on – Xu Jiamu, I miss you so much.

But before I had time to start typing my sentence, my eagerness had been thoroughly drenched by the rain.

His avatar is no longer the picture of a stupid Shiba Inu, but a cute anime image that doesn’t quite fit his image. The half-picture that is obviously missing the other half clearly tells me that this is a couple picture.

I knew Xu Jiamu’s character too well. I’ve thought about what kind of a person he is thousands of times in my heart. He is not a person who would use a couple picture like this with his friends. We both have the same obsession with old things, objects we are used to, songs we like, the people we interact with, and we don’t change even small inconsequential things like avatars easily.

The sudden change of profile picture and him sometimes forgetting to reply to my messages in previous weeks were all too obvious.

Xu Jiamu is in love.

The boy who told me he will wait for me in Shanghai, the boy who comforted me when I was helpless, the boy who ignited sparklers for me, the boy who I thought I would be able to stand shoulder to shoulder with when I grew up, the boy I secretly kept in my heart was in love.

He didn’t make an official announcement, but changed his signature to a small red heart. He didn’t say anything, but the latest post in his circle of friends was a video of him playing guitar and singing – “Today you will marry me”.

There is no feeling of heartache and suffocation like I read in the novels. I just felt that my eyes are sore, but I didn’t feel like crying. I just felt very depressed and aggrieved.

From the age of fourteen to seventeen, I waited for so long. I was no longer a little sister but Xu Jiamu refused to wait for me.

After three years of dedication, I vaguely understood that a three-year age difference between me and Xu Jiamu was not the only reason.

Zhou Jingwei can be Xu Jiamu’s little sister, can be Xu Jiamu’s friend but cannot be Xu Jiamu’s girlfriend. Xu Jiamu’s girlfriend must be like a fairy but Zhou Jingwei has mediocre facial features and a bad figure. She is an ordinary girl who can’t be found after being thrown in the crowd.

Xu Jiamu and Zhou Jingwei are the bright sun and a sunflower in the daytime. The sun never belongs to me, it’s just that it’s light happened to shine on me.

But I was not reconciled, everybody wants to monopolize the sun, I also want my sun to shine only for me.

A friend sent me a link a long time ago. I thought it was a ridiculous thing. You enter any number from 1 to 520 and the site will generate a corresponding love sentence.

My brain must have stopped working, I found the link and sent it to Xu Jiamu. By the time I realized what a stupid thing I had done, two minutes had already passed and it was too late to withdraw the message. Then again, I thought, maybe it was a just coincidence, maybe I was reading too much into it, what if… what if it wasn’t what I thought…

People should at least have a little hope in their hearts.

After an unknown amount of time had passed, Xu Jiamu sent a message.

Not a single extra word, just a question mark.

Utopia: “Hahaha, don’t you think it’s very interesting, the one who created it is a genius.”

That reason was so crude that I can’t bear to read it again.

Huangfu Tie Niu: “Hahaha yeah.”

Maybe Xu Jiamu is too good at taking care of other people’s emotions usually, or maybe I know him too well. He clearly only said these two words, but I saw the alienation in his words.

Utopia: “You can send it to your girlfriend, girls like these kinds of things, don’t say I didn’t help you.”

I followed that with an emoji with a panda head.

Huangfu Tie Niu: “This is what you said. Don’t say I’m showing off my love later.”

Utopia: “Congratulations, you found your fairy.”

Huangfu Tie Niu: “Hahahahahaha thank you.”

Tsk, his overjoyed mood really makes me miserable, and now I don’t even have that last bit of hope in my heart, It was wiped out by Xu Jiamu himself.

Although I made up an excuse about the link, it is very clear that since that day, the distance between Xu Jiamu and I widened a lot, and we hardly chatted again.

It was really unfair, the intimacy of the relationship between two person is determined by two people but the distance between them is not. If a person intentionally alienates you, no matter what you do, you can’t bring them closer. Just like me and Xu Jiamu, I became friends with him, and I even thought of him as the confidant I found after searching for a long time, but now we have become avatars in each other’s contacts that have not been lit up for a long time. The stranger with the title of “my friend” quietly existing in my chat records, with the last message being his “Thank you”.

I live my life as usual, but I can’t let him go as I imagined. Maybe because of the natural restraint in my character, after finding out Xu Jiamu fell in love, I neither wept bitterly nor acted miserable, but during a certain evening during my self-study session, I raised my head and rubbed my neck that was sore because I had bowed my head for too long. When the dim light of the setting sun penetrated into the classroom through the window, I would still unconsciously think of Xu Jiamu.

I will also often look towards the southeast direction and think about how Xu Jiamu is doing now. He hasn’t sent me his daily routine for a long time. I don’t know if their cafeteria’s spicy hot pot is as delicious as usual or if that bathroom that couldn’t be locked has been fixed. I don’t want him to have a bad life because he didn’t choose me. That’s his freedom. I used to like that person so much, and even now, I hope from the bottom of my heart that he will have a smooth life.

Forget it, Xu Jiamu, I won’t wish you a smooth life, I’ll wish you a successful life.

Later, a boy in my class confessed to me. I was curious about how it feels; to be in love, and I wanted to know how did Xu Jiamu feel? I agreed to his confession but later felt that it was not as good as I imagined. When I told him I liked Li Bai from the novel “Changan Ke” very much, he told me about Li Bai from the game glory of the king. He would tell me about a recent basketball match, and would excitedly talk about a star he liked. I can only smile and nod at those times, because I couldn’t come up with a reply. He never tried to come into my world, and I didn’t want to go into his. Later, I was relieved to learn that he also didn’t think that seriously of our relationship. So peacefully and sloppily, my first love ended.

A person like me just can’t be satisfy with “almost good enough”. How much is almost? No matter how much almost good enough is, it’ll never be Xu Jiamu.

After the summer vacation, I started my third year of high school. The last year of high school went by unreasonably fast. Gradually, I can’t even find the time to miss Xu Jiamu. In the blink of an eye, the first half of the semester was over. I guess high school students don’t deserve to have a winter vacation. After a seven-day break for the new year we had to go back to school.

I sat alone on the balcony that year. The fireworks down there were still beautiful, there were even a few new designs this year.

But there was no one to light up the sparklers for me anymore.