North x Northwest

Their eyes met.

They both reacted, but Lil was faster. Concentrating all her strength, she managed to push her opponent away with her leg. Ed, whose stomach was kicked in, reflexively shrank his upper body. Lil then threw herself at him and aimed for his shoulders. Due to the counterforce, Ed’s body now staggered backwards as it could no longer balance its weight. The moment Ed’s body hit the floor, Lil quickly jumped on top of him, took a short dagger from her sleeve and stuck it down in one fluid motion. Ed’s hand immediately gripped the hilt and Lil’s wrist together. Everything happened so fast that they both barely had any time to catch their breaths.

A quick breath from Lil spread across Ed’s face.

“…You are terrible.”

“…”

Ed simply looked up at her without attempting to push her away.

“You’re making me want to kill you.”

“…”

“It’s annoying how you’re acting like you’re the only one who’s hurt!”

Her hand was desperately resisting her opponent’s grip. However, Lil’s remaining strength had already converged to zero. Still, Ed didn’t push her away or twist her wrist. On the contrary, he even brought the dagger’s tip to his own throat, in accordance with her inertia.

“Then kill me.”

“…What?”

“Isn’t this a great opportunity? I’ve had too much to drink, so I don’t have the energy to fight… This music room is far from all the other rooms, so you should have plenty of time to get away before my body is discovered.” 

“Didn’t you just say you don’t have the hobby of getting hurt twice?”

“Well, to be honest, I think I prefer the version of you who wants to kill me over the version who doesn’t seem to care whether I die or not.”

That was exactly what Lil wanted. To not care whether Ed died or not. But it was so obvious even to Ed, that he knew that she would never be able to do that. 

His green eyes, which didn’t blink, were fixed on her. His hand remained wrapped around hers, pressing down the knife. Similarly, Lil glared at him with the tip of her blade brushing against his neck, ready to kill him. Their burning eyes slowly drew closer and even though they were about to touch Ed never stopped. Lil tried to resist his power, but Ed didn’t let go of the hilt, causing Lil’s forearms and shoulders to become sore.

Lil eventually grabbed him by the throat with her left hand. She then twisted her right hand, which was still held together with the dagger, and pulled it out. The strangled Ed gave a short cough.

“What the hell do you want, you madman?”

“…”

“Are you really asking me to kill you? Or is this another test* of yours to make me feel dirty?”

“…”

“What if I pass this test, will you spare my crew this time? What kind of nasty thoughts are going through your head? It’s revolting that you believe you have the right to test and evaluate me. You’re a self-centred bastard. You don’t give a damn about how you betrayed others. You’re just a selfish, self-centred nutcase who only sees his own wounds and dwells on his own pitiful emotions. The rumours about the Admiral are all correct after all. Kind of ironic don’t you think? You could confirm all those rumours because you know yourself so well!”

“…”

Lil released Ed’s throat. Despite her strength being comparable to that of feathers, she had squeezed his neck long enough to leave a red handprint on his skin. While Lil slowly straightened her back, Ed remained lying on the floor without an attempt to move.

“I’m not killing you for the same reason I had in Panichi*. Because you saved me… Even though I never asked you to be shot in my place… And now I feel dirty because to me it feels as if I begged you for my life. This is nothing more than the similar feelings I had at the time, so don’t delude yourself.”

“Is that it? You’re the one who said that you wanted to talk, but after you said you wanted to kill me, you changed your mind again and now you’re uttering something about sparing me because you will feel dirty?”

“No. However, I can’t hold a proper conversation with a human who only knows self-pity. I was overestimating you.”

‘Originally, I came in because I couldn’t stand it. Hearing that unfortunate song right after Levi’s explanation about why Linhardt asked her to come here, made me unable to shake that ominous feeling… With things already turned out this way, I should try to compromise with Ed, but how? Should I use the words he wanted to hear? Words I couldn’t even utter back on the Bell Rock? No… For now, an initial apology and an attempt at a dialogue should suffice… But the problem is that I keep forgetting what kind of guy Ed is. If I had known that he’d been drinking and drowning in sorrow, I wouldn’t have faced him.’ 

Lil started to repeat the same sentences over and over again to brainwash herself. 

‘…This human isn’t the ‘Ed’ I knew…. ‘Ed’ is a fictional character who only existed in plays…’ 

Even though Lil was now in an upright position, Ed was still lying down.

“…I…”

“..?”

Ed murmured as he grabbed Lil’s fingertips.

“…I was mean…”

“…”

Lil looked down at her fingers that were tenderly being held by Ed. He appeared very cautious and timid and when she didn’t respond his nervous fingers even slid down to only hold on to her fingernails. Ed eventually let them go altogether when Lil watched him with disapproval. 

‘In the state he’s in now, it looks like he’ll even grab my leg without hesitation.’

Lil kept her eyes on Ed, who didn’t intend to get up and calmly admitted his guilt. 

‘Is he drunk? It wasn’t that obvious before, but he might be hooked by the alcohol. Or is he plotting something else? Otherwise, there’s no way that this noble Admiral would come out so docile.’

“I know that expression. Are you guessing what kind of conspiracy this is? I’m afraid there’s no such thing. But I can understand it’s hard to believe for someone who’s walking around with a weapon hidden on every limb.” 

“Only easy-minded people would believe such bullshit. This is the Admiral’s lair, and I’m a pirate captain. Besides, that Admiral is the second most insane person in the Empire…”

“Do you really think so? I don’t know why you still believe such absurd rumours. What about the me you saw? Why do you trust what you heard rather than what you’ve experienced yourself?”

“The Ed I experienced is someone who doesn’t exist anymore. He died off the coast of the Ingres sea. You’re Edgar Retiro… Why do you pretend to be Ed and act all pitiful? It’s annoying and confusing… You said that the rumours were true with your own mouth. I trusted the facts you said back then and I got deceived in the process, so why should I bother with what you’re saying right now?”

In order to get up, Lil momentarily rose above Ed, who till now never made an attempt to move from his position. The bare marble floor had made her knees and shins feel cold. She brushed down on her crumpled dress in the hope to smooth the wrinkles. Because there was only one window with the curtains opened, the doorway they were near was dark. The daggers that had been thrown were scattered on the floor between the window and herself. As Lil looked at them with regretful eyes, Ed raised his upper body in the shade. But before he could say anything else, Lil turned around and grabbed the doorknob.

“…I was wrong.”

“..?”

‘…Did I… just hear that right?’ 

Lil paused and looked back at Ed over her shoulder. Ed was rubbing his face dry as if to chase away his drunkenness. The more he rubbed his face, the more her disdain towards him went away as well. Lil felt it. It had to be now if she wanted to get away from him. But she couldn’t ignore Ed and she ended up staying. 

‘However, I still need to organise my thoughts. I haven’t had the time for that at all, so this can only end in disaster… I didn’t want to face Ed yet because I feared being so pathetic. I made a terrible mistake by coming here…’

“…I deceived you from the beginning… and didn’t admit it until the very end.”

“…”

Lil’s gaze returned to the door. Her hand gripping the doorknob slipped in sweat until it became a piece of damp iron. 

‘This door is thin and light, so it will open with just a little bit of force. It isn’t difficult at all… But can’t I seem to leave this place just because I heard him say that he was wrong? Do I want to hear more about what he wants to tell me? Do I not want to miss this moment of apology? How is this possible?

 …Ignore it or listen to his apology? What do I want?

 …But for all I know, even this can be a lie told by Ed. He’s a human being who could do this without any remorse. Then why… What the hell am I supposed to do with this madman…’

“…Don’t go.”

“…”

His voice rang in her ears, making her throat sore and tight. Lil pressed her lips together. Ed came up behind her and stretched his arm to touch the door over her shoulder. When the door was pushed back, the latch clicked and snapped again. After doing so, he remained motionless. Ed’s breath that was too close brushed past Lil’s ear. She felt his intoxicated body temperature at the nape of her neck and the heavy wine scent prickled to the tip of her nose. Lil gazed at Ed’s fingers pushing the door with the embossed arabesque pattern. As Ed was only touching it with his fingertips, Lil could easily open the door and walk out if she wanted to…

“…I’m sorry.”

– – – – –

References: 

“…Or is this another test* of yours to make me feel dirty?” / “What if I pass this test, will you spare my crew this time? … It’s revolting that you believe you have the right to test and evaluate me…” = This is about the time that Ed never defended himself when he was caught with the pigeon, he expected Lil to move in a certain way, but she never did. Later shortly mentioned in chapter 186

“I’m not killing you for the same reason I had in Panichi*. Because you saved me… even though I never asked you to be shot in my place…” = Lil told Ed that she couldn’t kill someone who just saved her life.