North x Northwest

Cesar showed no signs of backing down. 

‘If he truly lost the letter, then there’s no longer any physical evidence left.’

Lil chewed her dry lower lip nervously. 

‘I’m convinced that Ed wouldn’t have harmed me. However, it’s no good to speak out about something that’s only based on my feelings, for Cesar will easily refute me… But why do I have to choose? Ed and Cesar are incomparable.’

“Why should I pick between the two of you? This isn’t a matter of choice. I just need an answer.”

“You’re only questioning me, so if it’s not a matter of choice, what else can it be? Does your heart lean towards him?”

“What kind of nonsense is that? I said I wanted to know the truth!”

Cesar grabbed Lil’s shoulder. As it had been a few days before, his tight grip lifted her heels off the floor. The closer the flames in his eye came, the hotter the heat rose. But this time, Lil didn’t lose and continued to face Cesar.

“Liloa, you know this, don’t you know? Faith takes precedence over material evidence.”

“…”

“Anyone can give and receive trust based on proof. But in fact, that kind of relationship isn’t equal to a trustworthy one. The reason why trust is valuable is it stands even when there’s no physical evidence. It’s simply given despite the lack of tangible proof. That’s why trust is a privilege to those who share a close relationship.”

“…”

“I no longer have the proof of the doctor’s betrayal, so have you, perhaps, decided to believe in the doctor instead of me?”

“I said I only believe in the truth! You want me to give you a pass over the questionable circumstances regarding the disappearance of the letter and the pigeon, all in the name of trusting you? Is that how you expect me to act? I didn’t even give Ed a chance to defend himself because I was only looking at you! I didn’t even try to listen to him! In the end, I was the one in the wrong. It’s like I destroyed the system I’ve built with my own hands over the years in an instant… But now that Ed is dead, you want to move on as you please?”

“You didn’t come here to simply see the message. You came here because you started to doubt what I had read. You don’t believe it anymore, and now it’s nowhere to be found. That’s how things turned out to be. Now the message’s disappearance isn’t what really matters, but your suspicions.”

“…”

“Think about it. The doctor was an impurity with no credibility. I’m the only one who stood by your side until this day. The difference between the doctor and me is as clear as the sky and the earth. Therefore, your trust in him isn’t based on reason but on emotions. Do you really want to know the truth? Or are you just harshly taking it out on me because you were deceived by him?”

When Cesar hit the nail on the head, it made Lil confess the trigger that moved her to do this.

“He told Alain that he was innocent. I deeply regret not even hearing his explanation. That’s why I wanted to look into everything again. Even if it appears as if I’m doubting you, I can’t help it even if you’re upset. I won’t repeat the same mistake again.”

Cesar gave a rare sneer.

“Is that all? How can you be sure that his claims of innocence are false or not?”

“I don’t care if his claims were true or not. I’m going to do what I should have done back then. So, tell me, why did you lose the letter…”

“Why are you so concerned about the doctor?”

“What?”

“Do you find it a pity that he’s no longer by your side? Don’t you know what to do, now that his body is wandering the sea?”

“What are you getting at?”

“…”

Lil shook her arms violently. When Cesar released her, her heels hit the floor with a thud. She quickly regained her balance and snapped.

“Do you even know what I’m doing here on the Bell Rock?!”

“I do.”

“No, you clearly don’t. Because to you, it’s all child’s play. Do you think I’ll get sick of it if you wait a little longer? Like some game?!”

“…”

“Do you still not understand what I want to protect?”

Lil’s heart felt like it was going to burst from frustration.

‘Cesar knows absolutely nothing. It’s cruel of him to assert that he knows, despite the fact that he doesn’t. Although he never imposed on me that what he believed was the truth, he also never showed any interest or asked me if what he thought was correct or not… Cesar is completely ignorant of the Bell Rock.’

“I understand. However, you never reprimanded me when I broke the rules and rescued you. I know you felt sorry for the sailors you cared for the moment they were killed for the sake of rescuing you, but I guessed you let it go because you knew how I felt. I’m no fool. I know you were sad and mourned for them. And I know how much you care for the Bell Rock and how hard it’s for you to decide to end this life and be with me…”

“Then why don’t you respect me? Why do you always ignore what’s important to me and trample the Bell Rock’s significance to me?”

“Was my offence to you that grave that you had to resort to using the word ‘trample’? To me, Liloa, the Bell Rock is nothing compared to you. I only do what I think is right for you. So whenever my affection is belittled like this… it breaks my heart.”

“Do you really think you’re doing that for me? What you claim to do for me is limited to my safety, it has nothing to do with my happiness… In addition, I’m not someone you have to protect. I want to do something on my own and I want to make it happen. If there is a problem, I want to be the one to solve it. I want to experience that feeling of achieving it… I’m a person with a lot of different needs… I’m not someone who can be satisfied with only staying comfortable in your arms. So, if you really care for me, don’t ignore the various things that I want to do.”

“Do you think I don’t know that? If I were truly overprotective of you, do you think we would still even be on the Bell Rock? You know how much I respect you, and I also know what you want to protect.”

“…”

“What puzzles me is why you, who have always understood me, are pushing me on this matter now. Even if there are some doubts, don’t you have a moment’s certainty that I did it for you?”

“…”

Cesar didn’t give Lil any room to intervene, so she had to hear every word he said, motionless.

“You seem more worked up about this than you were the time when you lost half of your crew. Don’t you think that’s enough grounds for me to be suspicious about the way you’re acting?”

“…”

“Liloa. Do you know the reason behind that?”

Of course, Lil knew the reason. It was a reason that was most painful to Cesar, but he couldn’t help to confirm it.

“It doesn’t matter what you did in the past or present as I’m the one who made the mistake. It’s different from then. I’m condemning myself for disobeying the code I created, because I acted as your woman, not as the captain of this ship. I was always proud of being fairer than anyone else, but in the end, I wasn’t any better than the rest. I made an irrevocable mistake…”

“Do you mean that if your two roles collide, you will choose to be the Captain?”

“Why should I have to choose between one of my many roles? Cesar, have you ever done that? Have you ever been made to choose between the you who’s the son of a Count, the you from the navy, and the you who’s someone’s lover?”

“I chose to be with you…”

Cesar didn’t have to say more as Lil could fill in the blanks in her head. 

‘Because Cesar chose me, he can no longer stay in the Count’s house nor become a Navy officer again.’ 

She had no way to refute it. Due to the circumstances surrounding their unusual relationship, everything Lil would say now would only turn her into a shameless woman. There was no other option but to be subject to Cesar’s choice because Cesar saved her from hell. Lil, who became this ungrateful, selfish woman in mere seconds, had to shut her mouth and be obedient.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. It’s not that I don’t want to be your woman, it just pains me that I acted so unfairly. I really can’t let go of a fault as big as this one…”

“Is that really all there is to it?”

“Then what more is there…”

“Aren’t you hiding another reason?”

“What are you trying to say?”

His red eyes were so intense as if they were trying to penetrate something intangible. Cesar walked up to her. Lil’s resolve to keep the fragments of her soon-to-be-revealed feelings hidden tightened. She looked up at him while holding her breath.

‘What the hell are you on about?’

“Do you love him?”