Marvel Reborn: Gems Of Infinite Potential

After leaving Elektra, I scheduled a meeting to discuss the revelations about her past and Stick with the full group for the next day, and then headed to Natasha's quarters.

When I pressed the admittance key, I was mildly surprised that the door popped open; usually, she had it set to require her permission. I stepped into the open door frame and knocked quietly on the wall next to it as I looked at Natasha curled up on her couch with a book of Russian poetry in her hands and a glass of vodka on the table next to her.

I looked at her questioningly, and she indicated the couch next to her with one hand. "Came to talk about my past?"

As I sat, I shook my head in the negative. "No, but I am willing to listen if you want to talk."

She snorted slightly. "I'm Russian, we're a stoic people. Besides, what is there to say. My past is horrific, but I survived, and those who made me suffer that life are burning in the most depraved of Hells, courtesy of my own hands. I am what I am, and there was nothing I could do about my situation. To allow it to continue affecting me is to allow them to win. To allow it to beat me, and those are things that I will not allow."

"So very strong." I murmured in awe before saying, louder, "I knew your past was bad and guessed that it was worse than I knew, but I didn't even begin to guess just how bad it was. I am surprised that you told Elektra though."

"Why? She needed help and convincing her that someone could have it worse and still come through intact was something that I could do. We swore an oath to help one another as and when we were able. I take my oaths seriously, and I could help, so I did. It's not a story that I like to spread around, it brings back bad memories, but I'm not ashamed of it either. Crimes were done to me through no fault of my own. I survived and avenged the wrongs done to me." She was quiet, if sincere.

"Which all may be true, but I still feel bad about it. You suffered a fate I wouldn't wish on any child, escaped that fate, only to continue living the life they forced you into. And then I came along and continued using you in the same way." I tried to articulate my own feelings for both her and my benefit.

She shook her head vehemently. "No, Octavian. You were not like them. From the very beginning, you treated me like a partner, not a tool. You trusted me with your plans when you had no way to ensure my loyalty, and while I may have fulfilled your requests, you never once actually ordered me to do anything. Even in the very beginning, you did nothing but offer me jobs, and let me take them or not as I chose. And then you gave me a cause that I can feel good about. I have a lot of red in my ledger, Octavian. I've done things after I went independent that was evil in a way few things match. Did I ever tell you what my last job was before you hired me?"

I thought back over our previous conversations. "No, I don't think so."

"I blew up a kindergarten, Octavian. Two hundred and seventeen kids. And all for nothing but a paycheck that I didn't even actually need. Do you want to know what I regret? It's not my childhood, it's not any of the jobs I did when indoctrinated, it's not any of the work I've done with you. No, it's that I took that job instead of killing every last one of the motherless goat f.u.c.kers when they told me the assignment. So here, with you, with what we are doing, I feel like I just might be able to do enough good to at least balance the scales. I'll never be able to wipe away the red, but at least I might be able to dilute it. And you gave me that opportunity, one that I never expected to receive, Octavian. So don't ever think you were like those abominations from my past."

She looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen her before, and it was plain on her face that she expected me to recoil in horror.

Instead, I reached over and pulled her into a hug. "Natasha, I'm going to let a city burn simply to temper a handful of people and for a PR gain. The crimes I have and will commit, both by action and inaction, have and will leave my ledger running red with the blood of innocents. Do I do it for money? No, but the motive doesn't matter in the final analysis. Those innocents will still be dead, their families will still lose their loved ones, lives will be destroyed. I could try and rationalize those actions, say that they are necessary sacrifices for the greater good, and they would still be true. But in the end, rationalization is the pathway to self delusion and regret. Those people have and will die because I have chosen, of my own free will, to kill them or allow them to be killed. I might end up being wrong. There might be some information that comes to light in the future that would have allowed a less bloody path.

"And that doesn't matter. I made the choices that I did because I judged them the correct choices with the information that I had at the time. You don't feel regret that you killed those kids. You were and are too strong to allow anyone to force you into anything you don't choose to do. What you are calling regret is your unwillingness to face your own choice and own it. For good or ill, you chose to commit that act for reasons that you considered valid at the time. You have obviously learned more about yourself because of it and have found a path that is more true to yourself.

"Does that excuse what you did? No, but you need no excuses and the only absolution that truly matters is that which you grant yourself. In the final analysis, will the good you do outweigh the evil you do? That's for whoever does the judging to decide, and he, she, it, them, they, or whatever is far beyond our power to understand, predict, or know. Worrying about how we will be judged by some theoretical entity at some theoretical future date is not just pointless, but actively harmful."

Natasha looked me square in the eyes for a long moment, searching for something. "You really do believe that. I expected you to pull back, or perhaps to offer platitudes. But no, you gave me honesty. I'm not sure if I exactly agree with your position, but it does give me something to think about."

I shrugged slightly. "You deserve nothing less. My advice to you, though, is to sit down and really think about your own moral code. What are your lines? What will you do for what return? Don't listen to some religious texts or the words of anyone else, just you sitting alone in your room thinking about who and what you are. Who is Natalia Alianovna Romanoff?" She jumped slightly at my use of her full birth name, obviously having thought I was ignorant of it. "And once you have your code, once you know who you are, be true to yourself always, and you will never have cause to regret. For if you regret an action, it means that you failed to know yourself completely."

She stared at me in stunned surprise. "That's how you live?"

"Since I was a child and I first read the Bible. Decided that it was so full of holes and delusions that the only way I would follow it was if God himself came down and told me to follow it under penalty of eternity in hell. I quickly decided that all of the rest of the supposed moral and ethical teachings were just as much trash for, ultimately, they were all created by humans, and thus had no more inherent legitimacy than my own opinion. So I sat down and derived a personal moral and ethical code from first principles, and then I have lived by it."

She c.o.c.ked her head. "And you've never had cause to regret since?"

"Only once, and even then, I know that it is irrational," I said very quietly.

"What was it?" she asked, equally quietly.

"Taking you to my bed. I knew enough of your past that I should have guessed, and then I used you just like men have been using you since you were a child."

She shook her head and slapped me on the arm. "No, you took me nowhere. I could have killed you without any effort then, and I was a more than willing participant. You didn't order me to your bed, and all we did was f.u.c.k. It was nothing but p.l.e.a.s.u.r.e and relaxation for the both of us. The Red Room was wrong about virtually everything, but they were right in one thing they taught me: the body is the body, and the mind is the mind. What happens to one only affects the other if you choose to allow it. We f.u.c.k.e.d, just like I have f.u.c.k.e.d every remotely decent guy in this entire base at one time or another, just like I have f.u.c.k.e.d some of the most evil bastards around. At best, it was nothing more than momentary p.l.e.a.s.u.r.e and relaxation. At worst, it was merely an unpleasant but necessary part of achieving an objective. In any event, it had no meaning because I chose to ascribe no meaning to it, and so there is nothing to regret."

I smiled slightly and sighed. "Very similar to my own opinion, and I suppose that if you don't have any issue with it, then my regret really is pointless."

She leaned over and kissed me before whispering in my ear. "Good, now take me to bed and make love to me."