Marriage In Trouble

I look at my own reflection in the mirror. My cheeks are red as well as my lips. I cupped my own face and check every corner of it. When I feel like I still look ugly, I washed my face a couple of times and apply some cream.

When I'm done, I turn my back away from the mirror and close my eyes. I didn't know that the first night they are talking about is totally scary and nerve wrecking. I can feel my own skin vibrating because I'm feeling so damn nervous.

First night. This is my freaking first night as a wife, as Mrs. Calyxander Lockhorst. It was funny to think that 10 years ago, I dream and wish and even hope to be his wife. But now I am here, I don't know if this is really exciting or not.

Because, yeah. We got married. But unlike any other relationship tying a knot because of so much love and commitment to each other, I know our marriage is not really like that. We are just a married couple. We are committed but not totally committed to each other emotionally.

So yeah. My life is kind of cliche. It's too pretty common to be tied up with someone who doesn't love you. But I vow to myself, infront of him, infront of the Almighty which I also recite my own true vow inside my head that I will not make him regret marrying me. Even though I can feel he already regret it.

I took a deep sighed before I decided changing to my not so me sleeping clothes. Instead of wearing a daring nighties that I should be wearing in our first night, I wore a loose T-shirt and cotton pajamas.

He's my husband anyways. I should not ask for his attention anymore. He's already tied with me. Legally. That's the only thing that matters. I'm not going to ask for more.

CALYX is out of sight when I got out from the bathroom. I only saw his laptop in the table. I glance at the veranda and I saw his shadow outside.

When I'm not yet married to him, I always cling to him, not leaving him, and always under his radar. Even if he doesn't want to. Even if he is already annoyed. Even if he is cursing my own existence. I am always around him. Because this is who I am. Severa Trexler and now a Lockhorst.

I smiled at my own thoughts but dismissed it afterwards. Never ever expected that my life would turn out this way. I am still fortunate but unfortunate in some way. I know he won't ever love me the way I love him.

I crawl into our bed and make myself comfortable. It was hard for me to stop myself from going outside to see him. It was hard for me to stop myself from hugging him or kissing him. But if I didn't stop myself, it means I neglect my own vows infront of him. My own kind of vow I will never ever disclose to him.

Minutes passed, Calyx emerge from the veranda and went to the bathroom directly without looking at me. I smirked because I already expected his actions. He just wait for me to finish my own ritual so he can do his own routine afterwards. No surprise for that.

But this night, it really gives me so much feels. I feel so nervous. I feel so scared. I feel so lost in a way I questioned myself. Is this really worth it? I feel so tired looking for an answer to that. But my vow to him is the one who gives me hope to continue with this kind of life. Even if it is really hurting me inside.

Confusion with my own thoughts and emotions are slowly drowning me. It feels like I'm going to have a split personality in just a moment. Everything feel so heavy but feel so light on the other hand.

I close my eyes and recite again what I promise to myself and for him. I recite again my vows in a hushed voice, scared that Calyx might heard me.

"I vow, to be your wife. Just be your wife. I vow to respect you, and to keep myself away from you. I vow to support you, even if I need to disregard my own feelings for you. I vow to give you peace and stop annoying you just like what I did before this day I said I do. I vow to be faithful and loyal to only you. I vow to let you go if you will ask me to. And I vow to love you even if you don't love me too."

The moment I finished reciting my vow that I only recite in my head earlier during our marriage ceremony, the bathroom flew open. When his eyes meets mine, I immediately withdraw myself and got up from the bed. I get my own pillow and went to the sofa and I lay there. With my close eyes, I know Calyx was suprised with my own actions. But this is my own way of thanking him of saving me. And I will not going to feel him that this marriage is a prison for him. Because I am not going to lock him up in a marriage where love from the 2 union does not even exist.