I Think The Genre Has Changed

Content warning: suicidal thoughts

Engraved (4)

“Oh my god!”

After waking up, I took a deep breath and removed my blanket, feeling claustrophobic. The white ceiling entered my vision as I blinked. Even if it was far from pitch black, it was still dark.

“…”

After idly breathing, I reached for my phone next to my bed. When I pressed the power button, the time 3:03AM flashed. It was too early to get up, but it felt like I slept too much.

Kang Sihyun.

Reciting his name internally, I looked at my hands. From my knuckles, my fingers and the shape of my nails – it was all someone else’s.

‘It’s your body.’

He said it was my body now.

But it doesn’t feel right. I covered my vision with the back of my hand. I felt feverish.

The conversation I had with the 17-year old boy was clear in my head. Thinking of the boy I spoke to in my dream revealed the truth, recalling his voice.

Yoo Sihyun.

That was my name almost a month ago. Not Kang Sihyun, but Yoo Sihyun. It was the first time I heard that name after possessing his body. My stomach felt nauseous. It felt like a strange hand was digging my heart out.

Emotions surged in waves. As time went by, instead of calming down, I got up from bed, as if spurred by the nagging pain that worsened, and ran to the bathroom, covering my mouth.

“Yuck.”

Falling face down in front of the toilet, I tried to vomit. Even if I tried, nothing came out. Remembering the moment when I was hit by a car and my body floating, I finally managed to vomit.

I remembered my broken phone and the day I first woke up here. Suddenly, something uncontrollable surged out of my throat, vomiting out my insides. My mouth tasted sour as if gastric juice just came out. My eyes watered from the repeated retching.

What should I do?

Closing my eyes at the question I couldn’t answer, I stretched my body over the toilet cover. My body felt drained. I felt sick to my stock, but the tingling at the back of my throat made me think that if I vomited some more, I wouldn’t even get my money’s worth.

“…”

There’s no going back.

Suddenly, I was certain of that fact. And I was sure that I actually died.

I was sure that Kang Sihyun may not get the opportunity to go back before going to bed, but now, I am sure Kang Sihyun can never return to my body.

A single conversation with Kang Sihyun made me feel a bit more certain about a lot of things. I don’t know if I was lucky or unlucky, but at least for now, I feel unlucky.

Why did you save me?

You even gave up your body.

Who helped? How? Why? So many meaningless questions bubbled up inside me, before I vomited again. This time, it came out without me knowing. Ugh, some foam fell out of my mouth as I felt even more nauseous. My throat was sore. The tip of my nose twitched as my eyes burned.

I’d rather not know.

It was better to hold onto a precarious hope than to fall into a hopeless place. That’s why I persevered even when I was out of breath or even frustrated. But now that I found that the rope I had been holding onto was broken, I lost. That feeling of hope disappeared.

I was sinking.

…Should I die?

When I first came here, my attempt to jump off the roof of the apartment was stopped by an unknown figure. So this time, something different could happen. A miracle might happen.

Like miraculously returning to the place where I lived, or miraculously returned to my real body and being welcomed by my crying older sister. Imagining the possibility of being with my family, I laughed. I moved away from the toilet cover, leaned against the bathroom wall and closed my eyes.

The unfamiliar air made it difficult to breathe. This unfamiliar body felt like a hard piece of wood.

I’m exhausted.

I was tired of hiding it from others, enduring it alone and not being able to make a single noise about my unhappiness.

I was tired. I had no energy. Lifting my eyelids in silence after a long time, my unfocused eyes stared into space.

Time passed. After a few minutes, I flinched when I thought that my body may have stiffened after sitting still and organizing my thoughts.

When I took over someone else’s life, I thought I could return, but now I can’t believe it when this has become my life…

‘I can’t go back anymore…’

It reminded me of a boy who was in denial. I remembered the look on his face. Pressing my lips together and raising myself up, I looked down at my hands, which felt familiar yet unfamiliar.

There was a lot I hadn’t heard yet and a lot I didn’t know. If I died without knowing, it would probably be a lot more unfair.