Give Way, You’re Blocking My Road to the Yellow Springs

By the time the little celebrity woke up, he was lying in his own bed. Staring at the snow-white ceiling in a trance, it was like everything had been one big dream.

He thought, maybe nothing had happened yet. Maybe he hadn’t hastily driven his way to the Yellow Springs1, and no one had obstructed him in the midway.

Until he turned his head and caught the sight of the little young master who had fallen asleep on a chair. 

His figure was sinking into the wide chair, his clothes were still dirty, granules of sand from the riverside stuck all over his trousers, and his hair slanted to one side, revealing his closed eyes. He looked extremely meek.

He just watched quietly for a while, not thinking about anything, and not daring to think about anything.

As the little young master was a light sleeper, he opened his eyes in a daze, and seeing that the little celebrity had come to, he straightened up quickly.

“You’re awake. Your manager said he would return to the office first and asked me to stay and take care of you.”

The little celebrity’s lips moved, but no sound came out.

The little young master naturally knew what he wanted to ask. “After that Weibo post was sent out, someone helped you call the police. The police searched for a few hours. I explained to them that originally you were going to jump but just happened to bump into me who also wanted to commit suicide. In order to save me, you spoke to me all night about how there really were genuine people on earth, that there’s true love on earth.”

The little celebrity: “…”

The little young master: “Reporters were also present at that time. I couldn’t let them write that you sent out the post on Weibo but backed out at the last moment.”

The little celebrity silently seized his phone, dying to check Weibo. It was useless even if he deleted that post now, it would only serve as another matter for ridicule.

Unsurprisingly, it had already exploded on ‘top searched’.

The little young master didn’t have the time to see what was written in the suicide note on that post before so he also took out his phone to check it out.

The Weibo post wasn’t long, but it was really eye-catching.

The first line of red bolded big words—— This earth is not worth living on anymore. Presenting you with melons once more from the afterlife, Qi Jing wishes you an early happy new year!

The little young master: “…”

The little celebrity truly had an entertaining spirit. The entire piece of writing was jubilant and festive. Banging the drums and gongs to declare that he and that particular bigshot were lovers, it was as if they were just about to be sent into the bridal chambers, naturally, it would be a ghost marriage.

The series of mockery, sarcastic, and fervent speech all flowed smoothly.

The little young master read all the way to the end and even unconsciously laughed a few times at his renditions.

He thought, if the little celebrity had died last night, it really would’ve been a brilliant swansong of one-sided ridicule.

The problem lay in the fact that they both were still alive, so the commentary developed in a pretty predictable direction.

“What I’m saying is, people who genuinely want to commit suicide don’t write something this flashy.”

“Everyone else’s excuse for an unsuccessful suicide is a successful rescue, how come you can’t even put up appearances like them?”

“Really died laughing, how much did you pay that little lad? This excuse will not do, I thought I was watching some kind of Moving China2 scene!”

“Everyone, don’t scold him. He’s probably planning to reveal that he has clinical depression tomorrow.”

    …

The little young master exited Weibo and looked up to see the little celebrity still holding the phone at loss.

He stretched out a finger and poked his arm. “Let me add another one.”

The little celebrity: “?”

The little young master: “I’ve never been roasted so badly in my whole life.”

The little celebrity finally reacted to what he was saying, blocked his eyes with his arm, and couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Okay, it’s a draw.”

Suddenly the little young master’s stomach rumbled. He looked at the little celebrity in embarrassment. “I’m slightly craving for sweet and sour pork.”

The little celebrity: “…”

The little young master grabbed his fingers. “The kind of sweet and sour sauce thickened with cornstarch is the tastiest, not the kind with tomato sauce.”

The little celebrity: “I also like sweet and sour sauce, then toss a plate of cucumber salad for crunchiness.”

The little young master thought up some more. “That wouldn’t be enough for the both of us, we also have to make seaweed egg-drop soup with no green onions and no cilantro.”

The little celebrity: “Why are you so picky? Then add another stir-fried sliced potatoes, extra spicy.”

The little young master: “How about shredded meat in Peking sauce?”

The little celebrity: “Then you have to go to the supermarket to buy some tofu* skin.”
*made by drying the skin that forms on the surface of soymilk during cooking, not actually made from tofu.

After choosing four dishes and one soup, the little celebrity also felt a strong sense of hunger. “The kitchen has not been used for a long time, you should be careful to check the gas.”

The little young master froze. “Ah? Am I the one cooking?”

The little celebrity was also shocked. “If not, should I be the one doing that?”

The little young master: “But I can’t cook.”

The little celebrity: “Then do I look like someone who knows how to cook?”

The little young master: “Then who usually cooks?”

The little celebrity: “A cooking auntie I hired.”

“And now?”

“I have no money now.”

“…”

After dragging it out for quite some time, the little young master made a compromise to go out and buy food, out of the four dishes and a soup, at least he still knew how to make cucumber salad. They could make do with buying two more buns for this meal.

When he got to the door, he caught a glimpse of a sheet of paper on the shoe cabinet.

The little young master hesitated for a moment before picking it up to read it. The handwriting on it was barely legible, it appeared to be the real suicide the little celebrity wrote.

There were only two short lines: I’m leaving, I’m not coming back this time. Much appreciation if someone can help water the flowers on the balcony every once in a while, they’re quite expensive.

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Translator’s Notes:

The term ‘Yellow Springs’ means the underworld in Chinese.It seems to be the name of an annual award program that airs on a major news channel in China. The awards are given for contribution to society, the stories tend to be really sappy, preachy, and overexaggerate (and screams propaganda). You can google translate and see: https://news.cctv.com/special/gdzg2021/syPAGEA3BHYvYOUoOLJXa11wbt220115/index.shtml