Dandelion Lover

I always was a shy person, and I was frequently under the impression that everything that I have done was doomed to have failed. This feeling of inadequacy was deeply rooted in my heart and, as the dandelions one can find on the side of the road, similarly hard to get rid of.

These kinds of feelings would have kept a person hunched back in self-pity for a long time unless rotted out from the depths of one's mind. One had to explore the deepest part of their insecurities to be able to find the cause for this kind of feelings, but even then, after you would have gotten down and dirty and fought a long war to rid yourself from them, the self-doubts and judgements from others would just encourage new spouts to grow and the nightmare would start all over again.

I have tried not once, not twice, but numerous times to escape these crippling feelings, but I was unsuccessful. These weed like feelings had taken control of my life and have dictated the way I saw myself and others around me. It had left me feeling devoid of willpower and corrupted by the dark thoughts that I wasn't able to share with others, no matter how close to my heart one would become.

My life had been always affected by these thoughts and because of their influence, I was struggling to find a way and stay afloat in today's society.

I wasn't always like this, I was once an optimistic person, and people around me always said how my cheerful disposition made them smile, however this all changed once I grew up.

My family was never rich, and when my mother passed away when I was little, I was left in the care of my father who was mostly grieving on his own, trying to drown his problems in alcohol. In the end, he left me to be cared for by my elderly grandmother.

I couldn't complain much, but the absence of my parents, who were supposed to be my pillars of support, and the increasing judgemental society, I started to feel unwanted. And then the thought that I was not good enough for them, started to eat away at me. And that is how the feeling of being inept in everything I tried, followed me through my forming years.

As I passed my teenage years, I learned to lie in order to hide my shortcomings and to put up a font towards everyone. I was always the person who smiled the most, when I was nervous, when I was sad, when I was lost, every emotion I felt would be masked by a bright smile.

I once read that to be happy, all you needed was to smile brightly and believe it. I never could fully believe it, so it never worked for me.

I could no longer cry around people or show them when I was sad, my defense mechanism was so well put together that I would automatically plaster a smile on my face whenever someone even looked my way, no matter what I was really feeling inside.

And so the years have passed, and school was over in a blink of an eye.

I stumbled from job to job in search for something that I could say I was good at, a talent that everyone else seemed to have, except me. I worked for a while at a web design company doing content writing, adjusting keywords and researching them and even article writing. When that didn't work out I stayed for a while at home looking for jobs and working on small freelance projects. I was from a small town so a job in something I actually had experience with, were few and far between. I ended up working for various stores, such as clothing stores, a toys store and even an animal store.

My last experience at the animal store only drove me to never look for another job as a sales clerk again. I loved to be around animals and I was good at understanding their needs, I finally thought I found something that I was going to excel at, but I was proven wrong. My kind-hearted disposition along with my own convictions that I would mess up things made a good target for being taken advantage off.

From working two full weekends without a break to having to work a total of seventeen days in a row. Being accused of giving the wrong change and then made to cover the loss. And even being the only one to clean and mop up the shop after closing. I was being made into a joke by my colleagues and everyone knew it, even me.

Although they were all aware that this was not right, that did not stop them but instead made it seem like I was only making a big deal out of nothing. It was this kind of attitude that made me sick of working there. Before my trial period was even over, I had reached my breaking point. While I felt sorry for the animals I was leaving behind, I submitted my resignation.

Even on the day that I submitted my resignation, I was made to stay through the day although I was not obligated to by the contract, I did not want the animals there to be left unfeed because there were not enough employees around. Besides, I had some good times as well, such as exercising with the dogs, catching parrots and other exotic birds, and heck, even scooping out fish was pleasurable if the customers were patient since it was quite time-consuming.

After this experience, I had already reached the age of 28 and gained a new understanding of my situation. I would have to find a workplace where I felt comfortable, be it on a lower pay or out of the city, but I wanted to be somewhere where I would be appreciated. And so, I started looking once again for a job that included my favorite pastime, namely writing.

With the new idea in place, I knew I had to change to some degree, I would not be able to keep running away from every job just because it was hard, with this next job, I would surely hold my ground and learn to adapt. This effort would be something necessary for me to grow up and would help me become a functioning member of society.

Who would have known, that this new endeavor, would forever change my life...