Break-up

Tang Yi,

By the time you read this letter, with 80% probability I will no longer be here. Probably gone to the Western Paradise of Ultimate Bliss, or met the Queen Mother of the West to eat a peach(1), or maybe slapped into hell, rolling in a frying pan and wading through a sea of fire, just so I wouldn’t have to drink that bowl of Meng Po Soup(2).

Of course, the most likely scenario is to be put in a small, square box, a big man of 1.85m (might shrink a bit in the old age) leaving no more ashes than a log would. Gee, it makes my teeth ache to write this, and suddenly I don’t want to die.

I forgot to introduce myself; I am twenty-eight years old at the time of writing. Today you told me about my origin and you spoke very slowly and clearly about Shen Fan and every bit of information you found. I don’t know what my performance was like today, I suppose I should’ve been very calm. Because I guessed it a long time ago. 

It’s just still sad.

I don’t remember most of the things from when I was a kid. I was not badly injured in the car accident, but my brain must have been knocked out. I can’t remember many things, but there are some intermittent bits and pieces. For example, I remember very clearly when a kid scolded me, calling me a bastard. I also remember the expressions of my parents when I first got home.

I vaguely knew that I was adopted by my parents, but they were really good to me, and were good enough to fix all my shortcomings. When I was a kid, I was always given first dibs on the rib stew, and when I didn’t have enough points to go to high school, my dad borrowed from all over the world to buy me a place. It’s not that I didn’t think about my biological parents, it’s just that when I thought about them at the time, I was hoping that I would earn money in the future to give my parents a good life, and then when those two came over to claim me, I would throw the money in their faces and tell them to get lost.

But I got to know it today and found that I didn’t know how many times I had rehearsed the scenario in my head and couldn’t do anything about it.

I have an impression of the fish tank that Weiwei described today.

The same fish tank that appeared in my dreams countless times was an absurd story. There was a middle-aged man with a gentle face, whom I called Dad, who would cook for me, who would teach me to read and write, and who used to trot over to lift me up, spin me twice high and then, as if coaxing a little girl, pull a big white rabbit milk candy out of his suit pocket and give it to me.

I can’t be sure if he was who you said he was, and no matter whether he was or not, it feels ironic.

I knew what you were going to say when you said the first sentence, but when you said the words  ‘Zhou Dongchuan’, I still couldn’t help but get chills on my body. At that time, I opened my mouth and asked you for a cup of water to drink. You were stunned for a while, and then I realised that the cup was in my hand and there was only half a cup of water left as the cup trembled, tilted to the point of overturning.

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At that moment, the words ‘biological father’ became more vivid and real than ever before, and were also more repulsive than ever before.

I don’t want to acknowledge him, nor do I want to hate him. But my heart is still blocked and sad.

However, after I calmed down, those strong emotions slowly dissipated, and I began to rejoice again. I am glad to have met my current parents, and I am also glad to have met you.

This is also the reason why I am writing this letter to you.

Because you were carefully observing my expression tonight, but you didn’t know how painful your own expression was.

You were taking care of my emotions, and you even considered what if I didn’t want to recognise the other party and the other party forced me; or what if I wanted to recognise him and someone obstructed it. You said that you already had your own independent small company, and you were not afraid of anyone’s blackmail. As long as I am happy, you will take the entire company and go with me, carrying the sword if I want to attack and guarding my back if I want to retreat.

Only then did I understand why you suddenly wanted to acquire this subsidiary. When you said this, your expression was indifferent, but I laughed sadly.

You asked me what’s wrong.

I said that you are like a domineering male lion at this moment. In order to protect me, you have carried all your belongings with you as if you were going to die, ready to get killed with the enemy at any time to protect me.

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You laughed, dumbfounded, but my eyes were wet when I lowered my head.

At that time, I thought that the only regret in my life was that I couldn’t write the words ‘Tang Yi’ into the spouse column on my household registration.

The matter of my biological father had long since been put behind me, and all the emotions of frustration and helplessness were replaced by an even greater sense of trepidation. I was more afraid of losing you than ever before, and more afraid that you would be wronged.

So I am writing this letter while you are asleep.

As long as I am here, I will do my utmost not to let you suffer in any way. If, one day, I were to leave first, Tang Yi, the following things are all I have. This may be the last thing I do for you, but don’t feel bad, I love you no matter where I am.

[My surname is Gu, my first name is Yanting, I am 28 years old, my place of origin: T Province. There is only one lover in my life, whose surname is Tang and his name is Yi.

I have the following properties under my name: bank fixed deposit 3,200,000; stock account balance 850,000; one real estate: Apartment 6#402, Green Garden Community, No. 28 Jianghuai Road, T City Centre, with an area of 88 square metres. One motor vehicle, Volvo S60.

If I unfortunately die due to illness or accident, all my property will be given to my lover Tang Yi unconditionally.] 

I only wish you a smooth and safe life.

Gu Yanting

December 26, 200X

A Taoist goddess, peaches of immortality grow in her garden‘Old Lady Meng’, the goddess of forgetfulness in Chinese mythology who serves Meng Po Soup on the Bridge of Forgetfulness or Naihe Bridge. This soup wipes the memory of the person so they can reincarnate into the next life without the burdens of the previous life.