Blue Moonlight

Who says sleeping has to be on a bed?

At nine o’clock in the evening, under the urging of Yu Xinqiao, Xu Yanhuan went to take a shower.

Carrying clean clothes, he walked towards the bathroom and turned his head to see Yu Xinqiao trailing behind him, his hand reaching out and then retracting, as if he wanted to grab the hem of his clothes.

Xu Yanhuan knew he was worried and said, “I’m fine.” After a moment’s thought, he added, “I’ll be out soon.”

Yu Xinqiao had witnessed Xu Yanhuan’s speed in showering before, but this time it was even faster, taking only three and a half minutes.

Yet Yu Xinqiao still felt it was slow, as if every second of waiting had slowed down to an hour. Countless thoughts swirled in his mind, briefly pausing and then rushing past, replaced by new ones.

He thought about many things, but none of them led to a conclusion, like a tangled ball of yarn that couldn’t be unraveled.

After Xu Yanhuan came out, he went to the kitchen as usual to peel an apple for Yu Xinqiao.

Seeing him with a knife made Yu Xinqiao uneasy. The sound of the blade sliding against the fruit peel reminded him of what Bai Wei had said, that day when Xu Yanhuan had a fruit knife in his pocket and wanted to kill his father.

Feeling a gaze fixed on him, Xu Yanhuan said while peeling, “At that time, it was with this knife, nearly stabbing it into his heart.”

Yu Xinqiao’s breath hitched.

Xu Yanhuan continued, “Before that, I looked up human anatomy online, observed the position of the heart, just so that I could strike a fatal blow and kill him on the spot.”

The fruit peel fell into the dish, the blade pierced into the flesh. Xu Yanhuan sliced the apple, his voice chilling, sending shivers down one’s spine. “It would have been premeditated murder. According to today’s laws, it would be punishable by death, life imprisonment, or imprisonment for at least ten years.”

“Almost, I almost killed him.”

Uttering these words meant that at this moment, he had made up his mind and prepared himself for the possibility of losing everything.

Therefore, when Xu Yanhuan finished tidying up and came out of the kitchen, he saw Yu Xinqiao poking his head out of the master bedroom, beckoning him to come in. Xu Yanhuan’s first reaction was disbelief.

But he still walked over.

Yu Xinqiao pulled the hem of his pajamas and led him to the side of the bed, patting the outer edge of the mattress. “You’ll sleep on this side tonight.”

Having just finished eating the apple, Yu Xinqiao went to brush his teeth before bed.

When he returned from the master bedroom bathroom, Xu Yanhuan was already lying down, lying on his left side without moving.

In fact, he was awake and could clearly feel the slight depression on the other side of the bed as Yu Xinqiao climbed up and slipped under the covers, bringing with him the gentle scent of toothpaste and the warmth of his breath.

Yu Xinqiao imitated him and lay on the left side, while a slow-moving arm underneath the covers wrapped around his waist.

His forcibly closed eyelids trembled fiercely when Xu Yanhuan suddenly turned over and, illuminated by the still-lit bedside lamp, locked eyes with Yu Xinqiao.

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Xu Yanhuan’s eyes were full of confusion. “I asked you to stay away from me, so why are you still getting closer?”

He felt his throat dry, took a quick breath, and said, “I… almost killed someone.”

He had thought that if Yu Xinqiao learned about this, he would be afraid of him, would keep his distance, and might even never want to see him again. That was the worst outcome, the consequence that Xu Yanhuan had already accepted when he revealed those things.

But he didn’t know that if the same words were spoken by someone else, Yu Xinqiao would definitely be scared and retreat, maybe even call the police and sever ties with that person, never to have any contact again. But when Xu Yanhuan said them with his own mouth, all Yu Xinqiao could see was him personally uncovering old scars, laying himself bare without reservation.

“I’m not afraid because, after all, you didn’t kill him,” Yu Xinqiao looked straight at Xu Yanhuan without flinching. “And besides, you can’t hurt me.”

His pupils suddenly contracted.

The impact of this statement was no less than when Yu Xinqiao had said earlier that he liked him regardless of being eighteen or twenty-four years old.

In a world where everyone had biases against him, believing that the son of a gambler couldn’t be a good person, even Xu Yanhuan himself had believed the assertions of others. He thought he and Xu Zhen were the same type of person, with inferior genes, irredeemable, inherently bad, capable of ruining themselves at any moment.

But Yu Xinqiao said he wasn’t.

“I’m not a good person,” Xu Yanhuan reiterated. “I’m not what you imagine me to be.”

He was selfish, greedy, aware that he could bring misfortune to the people around him, yet he still wanted to try to keep Yu Xinqiao by his side.

Understanding his meaning, Yu Xinqiao wasn’t afraid at all. He smiled and said, “My definition of good and bad is different from others’. And, before I believe in you, I believe in myself more.”

As he spoke, he leaned in and lightly touched Xu Yanhuan’s tightly pursed lips with his own, a gesture of comfort.

“My judgment isn’t that poor.”

With that affirmation, the gentle kiss turned into a passionate one.

Xu Yanhuan propped himself up with his arms, covering Yu Xinqiao from above, his neck lowered, and he almost hungrily captured his lips.

Everything happened suddenly, and Yu Xinqiao had no intention of resisting. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Xu Yanhuan’s shoulders, matching his intensity in the kiss.

It felt as if a person who had been drowning for a long time finally reached the surface to take a breath and come back to life. At the same time, the long-term lack of oxygen caused a dull pain in the chest, as if an invisible hand tightly gripped the organs, making it difficult to breathe, and tears of relief welled up.

After the kiss, Xu Yanhuan pulled back slightly and saw that Yu Xinqiao’s eyes were reddened, and he was biting his lip, holding back tears.

Taking advantage of the convenient position, Yu Xinqiao’s hand slipped into Xu Yanhuan’s collar and touched the wound on his shoulder. “This, was it your father who did it?”

Xu Yanhuan didn’t speak, and Yu Xinqiao understood. He pouted, “So you lied to me when you said you got into a fight with someone and got injured. That day on the playground, the wound reopened, right? There was so much blood…”

“It wasn’t that dramatic,” Xu Yanhuan freed up one hand to wipe away the traces of tears from Yu Xinqiao’s eyes. “I got it stitched up right away. The doctor said it was nothing serious.”

“Doesn’t ‘nothing serious’ mean it could reopen? And you still dared to play basketball with the injury.” Thinking about how Xu Yanhuan joined the basketball team for someone’s sake, Yu Xinqiao felt even more distressed. “Your father… I mean, that man, why did he attack you so brutally? How can a father be like that? Did you fight back?”

Xu Yanhuan was amused by this childish remark and just as his lips curled up, Yu Xinqiao lightly tapped his chest.

“You can still laugh!”

Lowering his body, Xu Yanhuan slowly settled on top of Yu Xinqiao, resting his chin

 in the nape of his neck, temporarily relieving some of his weight.

“I’m sorry,” Xu Yanhuan’s deep voice whispered in Yu Xinqiao’s ear. “During that concert, I didn’t mean to keep you waiting for so long.”

Yu Xinqiao finally understood the specific meaning behind Xu Yanhuan’s words at the entrance of the concert hall when he said, “In fact, I didn’t want to go back then.”

“That day, you were in the hospital, right? You were injured by him and had to go to the hospital,” Yu Xinqiao answered his own question and uncovered the truth. “So why didn’t you say anything? Am I so unreasonable? I waited for six years, how could I not wait for half a day?”

Xu Yanhuan was taken aback. Perhaps it was because they touched upon the past, or maybe it was the first time he heard those six years mentioned from Yu Xinqiao’s mouth.

“I’m afraid I’ll still make you wait in the future, year after year, waiting without hope,” Xu Yanhuan’s breath became slightly hurried. “I don’t deserve to make you wait. You deserve someone better, a better life.”

Even now, Xu Yanhuan still felt powerless because he believed his abilities were not enough to meet all of Yu Xinqiao’s expectations.

There is a poem that goes like this: “I look back slightly at the past with a cold eye, only to see the twists and turns of joy and sorrow, disappearing in an ancient desert. Only then do I realize that all my efforts have merely accomplished an ordinary life.”

In front of Yu Xinqiao, his self-esteem and pride were always so weak and insignificant, easily shattered. He had to admit his own failures, had to admit that even though he had given his all, what he could offer Yu Xinqiao was still so limited.

But Yu Xinqiao said, “You’re so silly.”

He embraced Xu Yanhuan tightly, his hands gently patting his back. It was as if their souls had exchanged places, with Xu Yanhuan returning to his powerless eighteen-year-old self, while Yu Xinqiao became the mature adult who could stand on his own at twenty-four.

“I’ve said it before, I have my own standards for good and bad,” Yu Xinqiao said slowly. “Why do you think that I can still find someone better than you and have a better life than now?”

Xu Yanhuan buried his head in Yu Xinqiao’s shoulder. “I’m different from what you imagine.”

He still remembered Yu Xinqiao saying that the only reason he would give up on liking someone was if “they were different from what I imagined.”

Even in Yu Xinqiao’s standards, he might be considered a good person, but he knew his own greedy and selfish nature. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have seized the opportunity and held on, even knowing that Yu Xinqiao might be seeking revenge, keeping him trapped in the confines of marriage.

And from those words, Yu Xinqiao understood the source of his fear.

It was now Yu Xinqiao’s turn to laugh. “What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you a lawyer? Your understanding is so poor?”

“I’ve never liked following the crowd. If others think something is good, I won’t easily believe it unless I’ve tried it myself. Similarly, if I think something is good and others say it’s not, I won’t pay any attention.”

“I’m not comparing you to an object. What I mean is…” Yu Xinqiao choked up for a moment. “You are exactly how I imagined you to be.”

“It’s not that I saved you. You saved yourself.”

Time passed second by second, and the world was so quiet that they could only hear their intertwined breathing.

Xu Yanhuan still couldn’t believe it.

He had heard that when faced with great happiness, a person would become timid. It takes more courage to hold onto happiness than to endure pain.

Since Yu Xinqiao said those two words, “I like you,” Xu Yanhuan felt like he was dreaming. He even began to hope that this dream would last a little longer, even longer, preferably never to wake up.

TN: 喜欢 (xǐ huān) – To like

“But,” Yu Xinqiao said again, “that doesn’t mean I can completely forgive you.”

He used both hands to push Xu Yanhuan’s shoulders, making him sit up and meet his gaze.

“Most of the time, you’re good, but occasionally you’re bad… You always give me hope, and then make me sad.”

When talking about the past, it’s inevitable to feel aggrieved.

Xu Yanhuan looked at Yu Xinqiao’s teary eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbed, and he said once again, “I’m sorry.”

Yu Xinqiao already understood that he was helpless. He raised his hand and gently stroked his face, saying, “If this can make you feel a little better, I accept.”

“Even at the age of twenty-four, I should apologize to you. I live in your house, eat the food you cook, and even suspect your motives for marrying me.”

“Xu Yanhuan, you are so good, you need to be confident.”

After going around in circles, the conversation returned to the starting point.

Xu Yanhuan finally gathered the courage that had fallen to the ground for a long time and asked hesitantly, “Then why did you send me that text message?”

Only heaven knows how he felt when he saw the words “Let’s forget about it.” It was like a precious treasure that he had finally grasped in his palm was about to fly away to a place where he could never find it again.

This time it was not six years, but the remaining half of their lives. He couldn’t bear such a loss, so he avoided mentioning it.

And Yu Xinqiao, the “instigator” who brought about their marriage and was about to break it apart, blushed on his cheeks and became shy.

He searched for the quilt for a while but couldn’t find it. Feeling at a loss as to where to hide, he bit his lip in confusion and mumbled like a mosquito, “I guess, at the age of twenty-four, I heard from your mother that when I stopped you from killing someone, I thought you agreed to marry me as… repayment.”

Coupled with Bai Wei’s extremely pleasing attitude towards him, treating him almost like Xu Yanhuan’s savior.

And there was no need to use the word “guess” because, after all, the twenty-four-year-old Yu Xinqiao and the eighteen-year-old Yu Xinqiao were the same person.

Xu Yanhuan was stunned for a while and then burst into laughter.

Yu Xinqiao felt embarrassed and annoyed, “You’re laughing at me again! Press down the corners of your mouth!”

Xu Yanhuan obediently pressed them down, but with the help of external force.

It was another long kiss, pouring out the suppressed emotions of the two. After parting, Xu Yanhuan gently rubbed the moist corner of Yu Xinqiao’s lips with his fingertip and whispered, “I’ll give you one more chance to regret.”

Yu Xinqiao was confused by his kiss and asked, “What?”

“I’ll give you one more chance to stay away from me.” Xu Yanhuan stared at Yu Xinqiao, his eyes deep as if he wanted to draw him in.

Yu Xinqiao hadn’t recovered yet, but his attention was drawn to Xu Yanhuan’s hand. “By the way, what happened to the scar on your hand? It looks like a knife wound, in the position of the tiger’s mouth, and it’s from your dad…”

“Hush—” Xu Yanhuan raised his index finger and pressed it against Yu Xinqiao’s lips. “We don’t talk about him.”

Yu Xinqiao widened his eyes and mumbled, “I’ve told you everything, it’s not fair…”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“What does matter then?”

“Now, do you still like me?”

“…What do you think?”

An hour ago, he had already confessed his feelings, and now looking back, it seemed unbelievable—how did he say it like that?

Receiving a relatively satisfactory answer, Xu Yanhuan’s tense nerves relaxed, and he slowly exhaled a breath.

Even though there was a faint feeling in her heart, Yu Xinqiao couldn’t help but ask, “And what about you? Do you like me?”

Xu Yanhuan mimicked him, saying, “What do you think?”

“What do I think?” Yu Xinqiao said, “All I know is that you bullied me when I lost my memory, made up stories to deceive me, and said we kissed every day…”

“And aren’t we kissing every day now?”

“…” Yu Xinqiao was taken aback, “Then you said we slept on the same bed. I observed it, and only my side of the mattress is slightly indented, indicating that only my side has been slept on for a long time.”

Xu Yanhuan raised an eyebrow, “Who said sleeping must be done on a bed?”

He emphasized the word “sleeping,” and Yu Xinqiao’s face immediately turned red.

“Bullying” was enough, and Xu Yanhuan tapped his forehead, speaking seriously, “If you could think that I married you out of gratitude, why didn’t you consider why you were able to stop me back then?”

Yeah, why?

Just because she liked him?

Was eighteen-year-old Yu Xinqiao really that powerful to change someone’s fate?

Before Yu Xinqiao could think clearly with his tired and sluggish mind, Xu Yanhuan couldn’t wait any longer and announced, “Alright, time’s up.”

“Wait…” Yu Xinqiao said, “It’s too late.”

“There won’t be a second chance.”

He turned over, stretched out his hand to grab the phone that Yu Xinqiao had placed on the bedside, unlocked it in front of Yu Xinqiao’s face, opened WeChat, found their chat, and long-pressed to delete the message that said, “Let’s call it off.”

The whole process was smooth and seamless, as if it had been rehearsed countless times in his mind.

After finishing these actions, Xu Yanhuan lifted the blanket and tucked Yu Xinqiao in. Only his head was left outside, and Yu Xinqiao blinked his eyes, wanting to say something but hesitating.

“Even if you want to leave now, I won’t agree.”

“I didn’t…”

“And besides, our marriage certificate was obtained abroad, easy to get but difficult to cancel.”

“…”

Xu Yanhuan also lay down, extending his arm and forcefully pulling Yu Xinqiao, asserting his possession.

He conveniently turned off the bedside lamp, and in the darkness, Yu Xinqiao felt a gentle touch on his forehead from warm lips.

“Let’s pretend that text message never existed,” Xu Yanhuan embraced him like the moon and stars, or all the luminous bodies in the dark night. “Sleep now, good night.”

——————–

Author’s Note:

Looking back on the past with a cold eye, I saw that the twists and turns of joy and sorrow had vanished in an ancient desert. It made me realize that all my efforts were just fulfilling an ordinary life.

From “Míng Xiǎng” by Mu Dan

When faced with immense happiness, people often become very timid, as holding onto happiness requires more courage than enduring pain.

From “Xià Tū Wù Yǔ”