Before My Withering

I didn’t realize I had said a lot. 

When Dr. Zhou refilled my tea for the second time, I realized that it was getting late. 

“Sorry, doc…” I glanced up at the wall clock and felt my cheeks burn,  “I’ve held you up for so long.”

“It’s okay.” Dr. Zhou was still as calm as he was before. 

He looked no different from two hours ago, and there wasn’t a single crease on his clothes. 

“It’s good that you’re willing to talk about it. There’s no way to routinely medicate depression during pregnancy; you need to learn to guide yourself. “

“How did you know about my…”

I don’t remember mentioning pregnancy.

Doctor Zhou gave a mysterious smile: “I’m a doctor.”

When he said this, he no longer acted so steady and self-restrained; he seemed to be a lot closer to me all of a sudden.

I blurted out while my head was hot: “Can I still talk to you in the future…”

After asking, I felt very presumptuous. Unexpectedly, doctor Zhou readily agreed: “Of course.”

He gave me a business card; a low-key metallic texture with only his name and contact information.

Zhou Chen. 

I silently read his name, then I put the business card away properly and said goodbye to Dr. Zhou.

When I walked out of the hospital, I remembered that it’s lunchtime. Should I invite Dr. Zhou to have dinner with me…? I troubled him all morning and I just left like that… 

Next time, bah… 

Qi Shu said that I wasn’t suitable for dealing with complicated interpersonal relationships. It’s better to be a pet obediently waiting for the owner to get off work at home. 

He once tried to stop me from going to school, but later he let me go back because he thought it was too noisy for me to practice at home.

I also had an old instrument in Qi Shu’s house. If Wen Yan comes back, I may have to ask someone to move it away sooner.

I don’t hate Wen Yan at all, or even jealous of him.He’s such a good person. If there’s no Qi Shu, perhaps I might like him.  

So I could understand Qi Shu’s obsession with him. 

He’s the destined white moonlight. 

But I’m bad. I took possession of his things and slept with his person. 

I’m even… pregnant. 

Qi Shu wasn’t home when I got back. 

I remembered that the instrument was in the storage room on the third floor, along with some of my miscellaneous stuff. Although I dare not treat this place as my home, I’ve accumulated a lot of things in the past four years. 

When I cleaned up, I found the original contract in a file bag. 

At that time, Qi Shu really regarded me as a duck with a marked price. He even asked his lawyer to draw up a very formal contract for maintenance, which was signed once a year and renewed on August 24 every year.

I considered it as a birthday present.

The card he gave me was also clipped to the contract. I didn’t use it, as if to fool myself that it wasn’t a money transaction, but rather a love agreement. 

I put the card in my wallet, went downstairs and asked Aunt Zhang for a big box, and slowly came up to collect things.

The money in the card, along with my property, should be enough for a child to live comfortably until the age of 18.

There was still half a year left. I could make good arrangements for his future life. It’s just that he’s destined to have no way to get his parents’ company, and I don’t know how to make up for that.

I’m selfish by nature.

I couldn’t be responsible for him, yet I want to bring him to this world.

The process of tidying things up could lead people to gradually calm down. I put everything else away in the box except the musical instrument, which was too big.

It turned out, all four years could fit in one box.

The room became dimly lit and I noticed it was getting dark.

I sealed the box and pushed it to the corner. I got up and went downstairs, just exactly to see Qi Shu coming in from the outside while he was on the phone.

He didn’t seem to be in a good mood and his expression was a bit impatient.

I wanted to help him with his coat, but because I had squatted for a long time in the afternoon, I couldn’t stand steadily. It didn’t take a few steps before suddenly, my legs turned weak and I stumbled on his body.

Qi Shu didn’t hang up the phone. He held my waist and said: “You’re becoming more and more proficient in throwing yourself in someone’s arms.”

I knew it was useless to explain to him, so I just whispered that I was sorry.

As an afterthought, I realized that there was still someone else listening on the other end of the line, and my face burned up.

Qi Shu didn’t say anything. He took off his coat and handed it to me, then went into the study with his phone.

I rushed to check if Aunt Zhang had prepared dinner.

After ten minutes, Qi Shu called and asked me to have dinner with him.

I saw that his face wasn’t as heavy as when he came in, so I wondered if I should talk about the child. Before I made up my mind, he suddenly asked, “Do you know who I just called?” 

“Who?” I asked. 

Qi Shu smiled a little. The smile was very light, yet his gaze seemed a little cold instead. 

“Wen Yan.” 

Wen Yan… 

“He…” I wanted to look natural, but I was so stiff that I couldn’t utter a word.

 “He asked me how you were doing, and I said I wasn’t very good at raising small animals.” Qi Shu said indifferently, “It seems that you are a little bit worn out by me.” 

I didn’t quite understand Qi Shu’s meaning. I suddenly raised my head and asked, “Does he know that we…?” 

“Of course he knows. What, you’re scared?” Qi Shu scowled at me. 

Qi Shu’s gaze made me uneasy, as if I had made some kind of mistake.

But why is he acting so righteous? Isn’t he at fault…

I lowered my head again, staring at the plate in front of me and said, “Senior… Will you get married?” 

The air was encased with silence for three seconds before Qi Shu asked, “What do you mean?” 

“That’s…” I pondered and said: “Marry an omega you like and have a baby… Senior Wen Yan is coming back, you…” 

“I won’t get married, and I won’t have children.” Qi Shu said coldly. 

“Why?” 

He took a sip of water, and the glass made a crisp clinking sound as he placed it back. 

“There is no one in this world who is worthy to get married to me. As for children, there’s no need for them.” 

Could it be, not even Wen Yan… 

In the end, I underestimated Qi Shu’s cold blood and fickleness. I thought love was long-lasting and exclusive, but I forgot that possession was more important to Qi Shu. 

Besides, he doesn’t want children…

If he knew that I was pregnant, he would probably be very angry and order me to abort it.

I felt a chill run through me.

 “I remember telling you that many times.” Qi Shu tapped the table with his fingertips. “Don’t waste your energy, and don’t mind my business.”

Right, that’s what he said.

All my struggles and efforts, in his opinion, were just a waste of effort.

“Got it,” I said. 

I actually expected this. if Qi Shu said, “give birth to it, I will be responsible”, that wouldn’t be normal.

It was a good outcome for me to have him extinguish the unquenched flames in my heart with his own hands.

I didn’t feel like eating anymore. I reluctantly accompanied Qi Shu to drink another bowl of soup, then waited for him to go upstairs before I vomited everything in the toilet.

The person in the mirror was pale and ruined, with nothing pleasing about him. The lower abdomen was also flat, and the pregnancy was nowhere to be seen.

I suddenly thought of that man.

Was it this hard when he was pregnant with me?

Maybe even harder. He lost his life to give birth to me.

The doctor’s right. Beta men aren’t fit to bear children.

Would he be disappointed and say, “How can you be more stupid than me?” 

Those two completely unfamiliar words that I hadn’t utter once in twenty-two years.¹ 

Now that I’m finally coming to this point myself, I realize how heavy those two words are. 

“Teach me what to do.”

I squatted down wearily and closed my eyes.

He hadn’t taught me how to grow up, how to protect myself, how to love people properly, or how to raise my own children.

He only taught me one thing in his short life: Don’t fall in love with an alpha who doesn’t love you.

I didn’t learn this one.