Before My Withering

I received a message from Qi Shu the time I walked out of the cafe:

[If you’ve decided, call me and I’ll pick you up.] 

He’d already gotten my phone number, it wouldn’t be difficult to locate me through the phone, so why’d he even bother with this? His usual style would be to directly send someone to drag me away. 

I hardened my grip on my phone, and felt endlessly worn out. 

Song Zhiqian said that even if I didn’t agree, Qi Shu had tons of other methods, if only I had truly been alone, otherwise I’d always have a weakness. 

Sure enough, the second message was sent shortly after:  

[My patience is limited. You wouldn’t want to see me make a move on people close to you.]

People close to me… Zhou Chen? 

Although Zhou Chen doesn’t care about him, Qi Shu had turned mad, and it’s possible he’d fight at the risk of mutual destruction, yet neither side would gain anything. 

I mustn’t let Zhou Chen get hurt. 

[I’ll wait for you at home tomorrow morning.]

I’d long since thought that the thing between Qi Shu and I had long since come to an end. 

I dazedly sat by the bay window as I hugged my legs, the beautiful rosy clouds outside the window spread to the horizon. Zhou Chen arrived that same evening.  

In the beginning, I had thought Song Zhiqian’s house would be my home, but it wasn’t.

Afterwards, I’d then thought the apartment left by Xiao Fei was my home, but it wasn’t. There should be people if it was a home, but I only go back there to eat and sleep occasionally, like a tenant.

Then later I tried to think of Qi Shu’s house as my home, but that too had only been a cage. Qi Shu was not my family.

Now that I finally felt at home here, I’d never thought I would have to leave in the end. 

“Why didn’t you turn the light on?” Zhou Chen barged in and broke my train of thought. 

He lowered his head, and his expression changed slightly. “What happened to your hand?”

I didn’t really care when I was burned by the coffee that afternoon. When I came back, I  found it left a scalded mark, though I didn’t feel like treating it.

“Water... Accidentally scalded it… It’s okay.” 

“Let me see.” Zhou Chen squatted down and picked up my hand.

I was restless and was extra sensitive to his touch. I uncontrollably brushed his hand away and said, “No need.”

He paused, raised his eyes to meet my own, and asked softly, “What’s the matter?”

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

I was distracted by his eyes, I looked down and took a deep breath, then said, “I have something I want to tell you, don’t ask until I finish.” 

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“You should stop caring about me.”

    …… 

I rambled incoherently, I don’t know if Zhou Chen understood.

At the end of my line of sight was his clenched hand.

I didn’t dare raise my head to look at him. I could only judge that he wasn’t currently calm with the small zapping noise flowing in the air.  

This time, the silence had been particularly long. Just when I thought he was so disappointed with me that he wouldn’t talk anymore, he spoke, “What happened? Why all of a sudden?”

“…Nothing’s happened, I just… figured it out all of a sudden.”

“Figured it out…” He chuckled extremely softly. 

He then gradually stood up. “You know I wouldn’t force anything on you. If you really meant it, then I’ll… grant your wish.” 

The sound of the room door closing resembled a sigh, even though I made him angry, he didn’t slam my door.

I am not worthy of Zhou Chen. 

I knew clearly in my heart that I don’t deserve him. 

I could ask for his help, but I mustn’t.  

The evening glow faded into the darkness, and a long time after, a bright light appeared on the horizon.

I’d been sitting by the bay window the entire night. When I went downstairs in the morning, I noticed that Zhou Chen’s eyes had a bluish hue. He probably didn’t sleep well, either. 

I avoided his gaze, silently apologizing in my mind.  

His expression darkened even more when he saw my box. 

“Have you decided?”

I nodded and said “En”.

Only a few things were in the box, and all were given by Zhou Chen; books, brooches, a music box, pillows, and StellaLou who he’d compensated me for at the amusement park that day. 

I didn’t bring my instrument intentionally, leaving myself a bit of glimmering hope, the luxury of returning.

“Xiao Yu.” He called my full name. “You’re still young, so I understand your choice, but you have to know, I’m not so young anymore.”

He walked up to me and stroked my hair one last time. “I may wait for you, but not for too long.”

Then the doorbell rang. 

Seeing Qi Shu for the second time felt as if a generation had passed. 

I had used to look forward to him picking me up when class or school was over and going home together countless times, but when this moment finally came, I had only desolation in my heart.

The two of us, it seems, had always staggered behind one step from each other. 

Zhou Chen handed my suitcase over to Qi Shu and said, “The medicines he usually takes are here, each bottle is labeled. If you’re too busy, remember to find someone to supervise him to take the medicine.”

Qi Shu said deadpan “Please don’t feel obliged”, yet took the box nevertheless. 

Then he looked at me, and that momentary gaze had the surprising illusion of deep affection.

“Let’s go.” He reached out his hand to me. 

I walked over to him, unsure of what he meant, and doubtfully placed my hand on it.

Qi Shu held my hand and pulled me to his side. He’d placed so much strength that I staggered.

“Qi Shu,” Zhou Shen frowned. “He has heart complications… Be good to him.”

“Elder cousin, has no one ever told you not to concern yourself with other people’s issues?” Qi Shu showed a vague smile, and added, “I told you he’d return on his own. You’ve already lost.”  

Lost… Did they use me as a bet….

I didn’t want to listen any longer. I pulled Qi Shu’s sleeve and urged, “Let’s go.” 

Both of them were much taller than me. As long as I kept my head down, the sadness in my eyes wouldn’t be discovered. 

Until the very end, I didn’t raise my head to take another look at Zhou Chen. I’m afraid he’ll find out that I didn’t want to go.

The gate closed behind me, cutting off the Sunset Lane from the other world. 

I tried to break away from Qi Shu. His grip had been too tight, as if he’d wanted to crush my bones. 

However for him, my strength was comparable to a cat which could be readily ignored. He stuffed me in the backseat and instructed the driver to drive home. 

“Qi Shu….” I was physically, and mentally drained, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

His hand trembled a bit.

“What is it that you really want?” I asked him.  

“What do I want… You don’t know what I want?” His grab on me tightened. “I want to break your legs and lock you up, so whenever you open and close your eyes, I’ll be the only one you’ll see for the rest of your life.”

When he said this, some of the bad memories resurfaced and I unconsciously shrank back.

Witnessing my movement, the evil intent in his eyes had somewhat vanished and he added, “But I won’t.”

So what if he does do it? He’d already ruined my life, what’s two more legs?  

I didn’t want to look at him anymore. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.

The car returned to silence. The mountain road was smooth, and the shadow of the trees dappled.  

Who knows how long after, I heard Qi Shu speak as if mumbling to himself, “Sometimes I wonder if all those times you professed your likes and love were true, or if you were lying to me.

“At the very beginning, it clearly wasn’t the case for you. 

“Every person who’d been in my bed dares to ask me if I loved them, but why do you…. never ask?”

I opened my eyes, and saw the side of his daylight-plated face.

“….Do you love me?”

He lowered his head, and smiled subtly, “Not love.”